Jon Lajoie

34 Audios encontrados en Podcast: Jon Lajoie
 
Jon Lajoie
Canal: Comedy Music
Por: Pepe Lotas
Ranking: 8882 - Ver evolución

Descripción del podcast de Jon Lajoie:

Jonathan Lajoie (nacido en 1980) es un comediante Canadiense, actor y celebridad de Internet nacido en Montreal, Quebec.



Fuck Everything - Single
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
03:39 min | hace 10 meses
by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulIOrQasR18 iTunes: http://itunes.app le.com/us/album/f-k-everything-single/id452833194 Lyrics: Yo. All the rappers claim to not give a fuck. Well step aside bitches, cause I give the lowest amount of fuck humanly possible. What?! (I don't a give a fuck...) About anything, fuck everyone and fuck everything, what (I don't give a fuck...) I literally don't give a fuck about anything I don't give a fuck about motherfuckin' anything People care about shit, I say fuck everything Fuck you, fuck me, fuck the sky, fuck trees, fuck the sun I don't need he _____________ And fuck toasters. I don't need to cook my bread And fuck coasters. I use a little plate instead And fuck roosters. With their useless cockadoodledoo We invented the alarm clocks. We no longer need you Don't give a fuck about chairs. I prefer to stand And fuck air conditioners - I got a ceiling fan And fuck the the movie the fan, staring westly snipes Demolition man's the only snipes moving your light And fuck liking shit. I don't even like the stuff that I like Don't give a fuck about not liking all the shit I don't like Like tissues. Fuck them! I blow my nose on the couch And fuck my nostrils and my senses now I breathe through my mouth Don't give a fuck about seeing bitch, fuck my eyes Fuck physical perception yo, I rather be blind Fuck time, seconds are too short and minutes are a joke And I was awake too long, it should be half an hour at most And fuck coasts, who gives a fuck about where water meets land And fuck boats, just because you float you think you're so fucking bad And fuck jokes, I don't need to be funny all the time My dog has a tumour and he's probably gonna die, boy (I don't a give a fuck...) About anything, fuck everyone and fuck everything, what (I don't give a fuck...) I literally don't give a fuck about anything Walked into a coffee shop and ordered a cup The girl says "small, medium, large? I say bitch I don't give a fuck She said I can't process your order if you don't pick a size I say fine, I'll take a large, but I still don't give a fuck alright Don't give a fuck about beverage size options motherfucker And I don't give a fuck about liquidsizer They're all wet and shit and tend to spill all over the place Like human semen when I get it all over my face I'm not gay, I just don't give a fuck about straight sex And fuck my dick, I'll pee and cum out of my mouth instead. Fuck biological functions, fuck the human body I prefer the body of a bat with the head of a coyote I call myself batyodie and I fight crime at night I know its similar to batman but motherfuck copyright I plagarise all the time, I do it everyday Cause I'm on the right track baby, I was born this way And fuck perth, and anywhere in the world where jason tom is a bitch Searching for purpose in a random universe sucks dick Is it deterministic or am I free to choose my way Did I choose if I give a fuck about ice cube trays If I wanted ice I'll go to the fucking corner store and buy a bag Filling you up and waiting for the water to freeze is a motherfuckin drag You know what? Fuck the word fuck, I don't need to use it I'll replace it with the word chainsaw for this chorus (I don't a give a chainsaw...) About anything, chainsaw everyone and chainsaw everything, what (I don't give a chainsaw...) I literally don't give a chainsaw about anything If there was a contest to see who doesn't give a fuck the most I wouldn't win cause I don't give a fuck about women yo I don't even give a fuck about not giving a fuck, so I do give a fuck... wait, what (I give a fuck...) About everything, I love everyone and care about everything (I give a fuck...) I literally care about every motherfuckin thing
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
The Best Song - Single
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
03:20 min | hace 10 meses
by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_cikTgwMXY iTunes: http://itunes.a pple.com/us/album/the-best-song-single/id445628659 Lyrics: This is the best song ever made in the world This is the best song ever made in the world Other songs are good, even some are really good But they are not the best songs ever made in the world It has a lot of good beats and a lot of good singing And the music is so good, even scientists don't know what it is You can listen to it anywhere, on a bike or on a different bike You can dance to it any time, in the morning or with your arms You can also dance to it at other times, like at lunch What are you gonna have for lunch? I'm gonna have two soups If you already haven't noticed, soup is my favorite food I also really like my watch, and my favorite song is this song This is the best song ever made in the world This is the best song ever made in the world Other songs make people dance, like Beyonce and Eminems But they are not the best songs ever made in the world If you like listening to songs with your ears, well this is the song for you You can listen to it while you jog or while you're running away from cars My friend who is a mail man even likes this song I guess a lot of mail gets delivered here, 'cause he stands on this corner a lot If you like eating sandwiches, you'll probably like this song Because just like sandwiches, this song is not made out of glass A glass sandwich, that would be gross, I'll just stick with soup Did I mention soup's my favorite food? ...Oh yeah, I did This is the best song ever made in the world This is the best song ever made in the world Other songs have different instruments, like a guitar or a girl But they are not the best songs ever made in the world If you like this song a lot, say that you like it a lot I like it a lot And if you think this song is the best, have a bowl of soup with me (slurping) Oh boy, that is good soup And if you think this song is the best in the world, have a second bowl of soup with me (slurping) That is also good soup Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I tricked you, I don't even like soup But you though I did, ha ha ha ha, oh boy I'm so good at tricking people into thinking that I like soup Ever since my whole family got drowned, it's my favorite thing to do This is the best song ever made in the world This is the best song ever made in the world Also my best friend got killed when he got hit with a snake But this is the best song ever made in the world
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Very Super Famous - Single
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
05:55 min | hace 10 meses
by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi6Ddd6eRqM iTunes: http://itunes.a pple.com/us/album/very-super-famous-single/id420495075 Lyrics: Aw, yeah, drop the beats In the planet of the Earth I am the most famous person of the world Everybody knows who I am, even the people who don't know who I am Because... (CHORUS) I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!) Very super-famous, a lot of people know I exist I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!) Very super-famous You are not, so you are shit All around the world, people know who I am Even in the Chinese countries like Japan North, South, East, West, to East I make their panties wet like basements in New Orleans In the France language, girls say, "Montre-moi tes génitaux!" Spanish girls also say things, but I don't know What they're talking about 'cause I don't speak Spanish at all But they're probably talking about how my penis is super not-small I led the Vaginist Revolution in Russia They call me the Cockadile Hunter in Australia Wait, that sounds like I hunt penises--I don't; I do chicks In Iraq they found WMD's--Women on My Dick I'm Osama Bin-Semen, the vaginal terrorist On 69/11, I took down two chicks And a third girl inexplicably collapsed on her own Sorry, I just watched "Loose for Change," the pornspiracy video German girls devour my franksquirter in Germany I raise my rod in Egypt and I split the Red Sea By that, I mean I had sex with a girl on her period--that's right I don't mind ketchup on my hotdog as long as the bun is tight In England, the girls ask me to be or not to be The person who will take their anal virginity I always do, but I still make sure to use a condom 'Cause my sperm's so famous it could make you pregnant in your bum (CHORUS) I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!) Very super-famous, a lot of people know I exist I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!) Very super-famous You are not, so you are shit If a lot of people know who you are, it means you're a talented artist In order to be super-famous, you have to be the most smartest When I'm on the red carpets or at celebrity parties Fat kids are on my dick like hot bitches on Smarties More people know me than there are people on the Earth In all the thousands of countries people are singin' my words Even in the countries where people die 'cause they're so poor They save up to buy my album instead of going to the grocery store 'Cause I'm more famous than food--that's right, you heard me More people know me than there are people who know how to eat I'm more famous than mountains, I'm more famous than watches And if you wanna hang with me, make sure your panties are crotchless I'm like Lee Harvey Oswald, I shoot really fast All over your face until your head flies back Back, back and to the left, back, back and to the left For your safety, wear a helmet and a semen-proof vest Yeah, the Eiffel Tower is a lot like my dick It's big and it stings when soap gets inside the tip My sex moves are like the movie "Die Hard With A Vengeance" They're awesome...and Jeremy Irons is a good bad guy (CHORUS) I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!) Very super-famous, a lot of people know I exist I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!) Very super-famous You are not, so you are shit The girls up North wanna get all up in my butt 'Cause even though I'm Canadian, I'm more famous than Canada I'll light a dick-fire to warm up your cold vagina-hands Then I'll cover you in white like the Klu-Klux Klan All the Mexicans love me down in South America From Colombia to Brazil all the way to Algeria I'm Che Vagina, I liberate girls from oppressive pants I'm Fidel Asstro, the Dictator of Ass I'm Sodomy Hussein, the King of Being Hung I'm Queen Ejizzabeth, I wear a crown of cum I'm President Hard-as-a-Rock Obama I'm reforming the health care system--wait, that wasn't sexual... Proparopzzi follows me every day of my life I'm like Princess Diana except I am alive I'm like AIDS, everyone has heard of me I'm Happiest Inside Vagina, I got HIV I'm on the cover of magazines, the headline of the newspaper Reads, "Hide Your Daughter! MC Vagina's Gonna Rape Her!" Whoa, whoa, what? I, I didn't write that [Sorry, sorry, that was me, my bad] (CHORUS) I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!) Very super-famous, a lot of people know I exist I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!) Very super-famous You are not, so you are shit Aw yeah, fame is like a tree: It helps you get pussy For all you French ladies out there, "Le feu sur le cheval était brisée...Bitches." I'm outta here, I'm going to a party with other famous people like Puff Diddy and Brad Pitts Peace off!
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Radio Friendly Song
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
04:18 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0Gs4xGw1Eg iTu nes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: It starts soft like a thousand other songs that you've heard before Except in this one they do a little du-du-du-du-DU-dum-du-du So you try to change the station but it's playing on every one A bunch shitty-ass chords and lyrics recorded by a fucking moron And you assume the the general public is not that stupid You're positive that nobody will want to listen to this But you are wrong They wanna know the stupid motherfucking lame cock-sucking cookie cutter radio friendly song And everyone sings along in their cars and at the mall And at the office they all love the new radio friendly song Un-o-ri-gi-nal me-lo-dy Why did John Lennon have to be the one to get shot, something's wrong While these douche bags are all still alive singing these ass-licking songs All these fucking unoriginal pussies that don't have anything to say I'm not homophobic, but this song is so fucking gay You can barely retain the vomit that's raising in your throat And you assume that everyone will think that this song is terrible But you are wrong They wanna know the stupid motherfucking lame cock-sucking cookie cutter radio friendly song And everyone sings along in their cars and at the mall And at the office they all love the new radio friendly ... Piece of shit oh what a sucky-ass piece of shit I'd rather shoot myself in the face than listen to this corporate bitch singing this stupid motherfucking lame cock-sucking cookie cutter radio friendly piece of shit God I hate this shit!
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
WTF Collective 2
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
04:35 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbAJivTHPoQ iTune s: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: MC Confusing back in this bitch With a parking sandwich and a chicken ticket I got a liquid face lift from a fig with big tits And my wrist got twisted by a Brit with fake spit And you don't understand it, 'cause you're not supposed to Like a candy cane snake in a jealous cartoon And I'm gonna leave soon, but first I need to Drink a Chevy chase face and rape Robocop 2 Yo, I'm MC Historical Inaccuracy I drop lyrical bombs like Hiroshima in '73 I write rhymes like Shakespeare when he wrote Ann Frank's Diary Which is about the civil war of 1812 in Germany I'm like the Spanish inquisition when they killed Jesus And Abe Lincoln's suicide was the theme for my thesis Like Moses when I focus I can split the Red sea Like he did in 1950 with the Chinese army I'm MC Don't Know How to Pluralize Word I got so many rhyme and I sleep with all the girl When there's more than one of something you're supposed to pluralize But I never learned that through all the year I've been alive Hello, I'm MC Canadian Stereotype I'm aboot to get started, so let me get off the ice But I don't want any trouble, and I am always polite Now let's hop on my snowmobile, and I will tell you what I like But first I'll turn of curling and turn down Avril Lavigne Et j'vais dire une phrase en francais, parce qu'ici on est bilingue Oh boy, I fell of my igloo and I hurt my knee Let's go to the hospital, don't worry, here in Canada it's free, eh MC Fatigue, did you miss me I'll be awake for five minutes, 'cause I had a coffee I'll try to get through my verse, but I really don't know I drank that coffee about five minutes ago (snoring) They hired me again to sing this motherfucking chorus I haven't found a fucking job yet so I gotta do this bullshit (I can't take it, I'm done) I don't think I can sing another fucking chorus I think I'm gonna jump off a bridge, or shoot myself like Kurt Cobain did (I think my dad has a gun) I'm MC Knows Too Many Facts About Bees 15 miles per hour is their average speed A queen can lay up to 3000 eggs in a day Just because I know a lot about bees doesn't mean that I'm gay I'm also MC In the Closet Homosexual I hide it 'cause it's easier to be heterosexual We can't even get married in most states here in America It's fucked up Gay marriage is legal here, in Canada I'm MC Homophobic Fucking Asshole Being gay is evil and it is unnatural Jesus said to love thy neighbour, but only if they are straight Penises go in vaginas, anything else is just insane I'm MC Extremely Inappropriate Rhymes I shake things up like J-fox when I get on the mic And I drop my enemies just like Christopher Reeves' horse Then I put them to sleep, like Heath Ledger of course (woah) I'm MC Extremely Politically Correct I disagree with the previous MC's lyrical content It's offensive, insensitive and in very bad taste Just like that guy who wrote that song when Michael Jackson passed away Yo, MC Final Verse here to end this song One was enough, we didn't need a sequel Jon Make a fourth Show Me Your Genitals or another Normal Guy But for now let's end this stupid song with a suicide This is the last time that I will ever sing a chorus My dad's gun was in his closet and I'm gonna end this bullshit (I had a good run) I'm gonna pull the trigger as soon as I finished the chorus Sayonara and farewell, I guess I'll see you all in hell (Four, three, two, one)
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Mel Gibson's Love Song
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
03:36 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxJfVWqK-qg iTu nes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: My heart is on fire like a burning cross Compared to you, others are at the back of the bus You're as beautiful as a swastika And baby, I want to tell ya I love you as much as I hate other races religions and sexual orientations I love you as much as I love Jesus Christ Who was brutally murdered by money-loving kikes I love you That's why I punched you in the face I have something to ask, as I get down on one knee Will you blame yourself if you get raped You slutty pig in heat Uh, sorry, that came out wrong I meant will you be my wife I wanna be with you for the rest of my extremely racist and homophobic life Because I love you as much as I hate other races religions and sexual orientations I love you as much as I love Jesus Christ Who was brutally murdered by money-loving kikes I love you That's why I kicked you in the face A pack of niggers couldn't keep me from you I love you as much as I hate fags and jews Together forever like hate and the human heart Together forever like hate and the human heart
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
In Different Ways
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
03:47 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGyRVymDBhw iTu nes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: I can see it in your eyes girl That you're in the mood for love So I light some candles, pour some wine Come sit down on the rug But there's something I must tell you, babe Before we take this step Something about me girl That you do not know yet I have no penis It was torn off In a bicycle accident In nineteen ninety nine I also lost one testicle So all I have is a weird uni-ball And a rubber tube, between my legs But babe, I can love you in different ways I'll make love to you with the rubber tube That I use for urinating I'll just tape two Popsicle sticks around it Make it easier for penetrating And having only one ball Isn't always a bad thing It's like a pool ball in a pillow case It's like a cherry on a sundae 'Cause girl I have no penis I have no cock If it looks like I have a ball Just 'cause I stuff it with a sock Girl, I know that you're afraid But I promise, baby, if you stay I'll put a cucumber in the microwave And babe, I will love you in different... ...ways Just because I don't have a cock it doesn't mean I can't rock Just because I don't have a cock it doesn't mean I can't rock Just because I don't have a cock it doesn't mean I can't rock Don't be fooled by my lack of a cock I'm still Johny from the block O-o-oh yeah
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Chatroulette Song
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
02:08 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7XmmnlR0e0 iTune s: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: I thought maybe I'd find a friend Or maybe I'd meet a girl Have a great conversation with a stranger On the other side of the world Or maybe learn something new About a culture or a place Connect with another human being But every time I press new game All I see is Guys jerking off Guys jerking off Just penises and cocks And guys jerking them off Hold on This guy's not jerking off Maybe he's like me And he just wants to talk Hi, how are you? "Nope, there he goes Uh, dude, that is a lot of cum"
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Nine To Five
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
03:01 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people /id404680350 Lyrics: What's a nine-five office job? It sounds exactly like what I want Young man, that is one party that you may not be able to handle Nine to five, nine to five Monday to Friday life Nine to five, nine to five Cubicles and neon lights Nine to five, nine to five Stay 'til six, get overtime Nine to five, nine to five We motherfucking love our lives Wake up in the morning at six, breakfast with the wife and kids Pack yourself lunch, a ham sandwich, a juice box and carrot sticks Cafeteria food is expensive, it may not fit into your budget Hop on the bus public transit Or carpool for the environment Leave early in case there is traffic Bring a newspaper or your favourite music John Mayer to the ???? and Jon Bon Jovi's greatest hits Get to work at 8:55, five minutes early so you have the time To pull yourself a coffee and say hi to your co-workers "Good morning guys" Talk about the shows that were on last night Or a sports event if you're a guy The boss walks in and says "look and the time everybody get to work, It is nine!" Nine to five, nine to five Bathroom break at 11:05 Nine to five, nine to five Quality chairs to support the spine Nine to five, nine to five External calls, make sure to press nine Nine to five, nine to five We motherfucking love our lives Photo copiers and fax machines A casual Friday you get to wear jeans (Yay!) How crazy is that, wearing jeans to work On the tenth of every month wearing Hawaiian shirts Hawaiian shirt day, Hawaiian shirt day! Who said an office job wasn't a party? Health insurance, paid sick-days Bring baked goods to work on Tuesdays Jill's muffins are always a hit "What's the recipe, Jill? From Cosco..." "...still good choice. Yeah good choice there, nice and squishy" Staplers, keyboards and calculations Work related conversations "Hey, did you get my work-related email? Yes I got your work-related email..." "Your Transf' screensaver is really rad Thanks, I like your Starwars mousepad It was a gift from my dentist on my 30th birthday" Clock strikes five, it's the end of the work day Home by six, in bed by ten Wake up and do it all over again Nine to five, nine to five Why do I always feel like cry? Nine to five, nine to five It's not what I dreamt of as a child Nine to five, nine to five Everyday someone commits suicide Nine to five, nine to five We motherfucking hate our lives!
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Slightly Irresponsible
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
03:45 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people /id404680350 Lyrics: I am slightly irresponsible, Girl, don't let that scare you away, 'Cause I am still reliable, Just not a hundred percent, baby. Sometimes I fall asleep without brushing my teeth And I only floss approximately twice a week, I don't return phone calls all the time, Unless it's my boss, I want to stay on his good side. I always pay my credit cards on time, But if was possibly I'd make minimum payments once in a while, Also I think I may have accidentally killed someone, I'm not sure if they died, it was a hit'n'run. I am slightly irresponsible, Girl, don't let that scare you away, 'Cause I am still reliable, Just not a hundred percent, baby. When I park my car, sometimes I leave the windows open, That's how I got my Blackberry charger stolen, But I didn't really care, I had a second one, That my friend gave me when he bought his iPhone last month. I'm glad no one's noticed the dent in my front bumper. When I got home that night there was blood all over, And in the grill there were bits of face, hair and bone. I cleaned the car when made sure nobody followed me home. I am slightly irresponsible, I wonder if that person had a family, But I am still reliable, But the guilt's eating away at me. Sometimes I'm a day late paying my rent And sometimes I forget the birthdays of my friends, Apparently they don't have any suspects thus far, But they know you was killed by a Camry, luckily for me that's a common car. But there was one witness: a seventy-nine-year-old lady, I need to kill her, she's the only one who can identify me, So I break into her house to kill her, but then things get messy, I didn't realize that her son's family was visiting. I am slightly irresponsible, (Ah shit)(Who the fuck are you?) But I am still reliable. (Shut the fuck up) I am slightly irresponsible, But I am still reliable (What have I done? What have I done? Oh my god, what have I done?)
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
I Can Dance
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
03:58 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHnGwDy2y6s iTu nes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: Some guys are good at talking to girls Some guys have all the money in the world Some guys wear fancy shoes and pants I'm not one of those guys, but baby I can dance Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance I can dance dance, dance, dance, dance, dance I can dance Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance I can dance Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance U, u, ah, ah U, u, ah, ah Some guys have friends and they do High-Fives Some guys have parents that are still alive Some guys don't sit when they pee, they stand I'm not one of those guys, but baby I can dance Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance I can dance dance, dance, dance, dance, dance I can dance Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance I can dance Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance Everybody, let's count to ten One, all you gotta do is watch me dance. Two, keep watching me dance Three, Four, [Speaking] Oh, ya, I'm sorry, I don't actually have lyrics for this party ah, kinda got carried away, thought we should do a counting thing, but ah, that's my bad! Sorry guys, sorry about that! Ah, can we maybe just cut to the chorus Dance, dance, dance, dance, Dance, dance I can dance Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance U, u, ah, ah U, u, ah, ah Some guys have money that they've invested Some guys were never molested. I was though, and but Gotta stop touching the children Gotta stop touching the children Catholic Church we are looking in your direction Gotta stop touching the children We are not pointing fingers but damn your track record is bad and getting worse Gotta stop touching the children Vatican, more like Old-men-touchin'-childrican U, u, ah, ah U, u, ah, ah
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Alone In the Universe
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
04:31 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShTm8MnUAjo iTu nes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: We're floating in space on the edge of time In a universe that we can't define Billions of stars in the endless night Try and find purpose for our lives Yet we still take the time (still take the time) Yes we always take the time To masturbate ooh To milk the snake Girls do the taco hand shake I'm gonna hold my sausage hostage, tonight Whether you're English, French, Japanese, or German Whether you're at home or at a movie with Pee Wee Herman We all take matters into our own hands With the five finger army we invade our pants We'd all be doing time (yes we'd all be doing time) If it was a crime To Masturbate ooohhhh To pull the hand brake To play vagina dj She's gonna play country on the clitar, tonight He burps his baby She's putting on a puppet show Our genitals are Juliet Our hands are Romeo He chokes his chicken She tickles her camel toe Our genitals are Ju.... 2 Hours Later That Marisa Tomei is HOTT Our genitals are Juliet Our hands are Romeo I'm gonna play ball on team penis, tonight
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Michael Jackson Is Dead
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
03:28 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVACUjHn6yU iTu nes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: (ALL lyrics in parentheses ( \" \" ) is what the media and most people have been saying about MJ since about a decade ago, up until his death.) [Talking] \"Oh my god, did you hear about Michael Jackson?\" \"Yeah, I heard about Michael Jackson. It's crazy, right?\" \"Yeah, I can't believe it. All of a sudden, the media is on HIS side.\" \"I know, it's crazy, right?\" [Singing] Michael Jackson is dead, don't pretend to give a shit, you? motherfuckin' hypocrites, remember what you said he did. Michael Jackson is dead, no you never gave a shit, so why are you pretendin', you motherfuckin hypocrites. \"Michael Jackson's such a freak!\" You hear it a thousand times a week, on every fuckin' TV screen, and every fuckin' magazine. Yeah sure we liked him for a? while, for a few years when he was in style, then someone said \"he's a pedophile and fuckin' boys is what makes him smile.\" Then there was a punchline every day, about his \"skeletor-like face\" and how he \"loves 12 year old balls\" We didn't care if it was true or false. So don't pretend that you give? a fuck, keep talking 'bout how \"he sucked 12 year old cock, and went from being a cute little black kid, and died as a white skeleton robot.\" Michael Jackson is dead, don't pretend to give a shit, you motherfuckin' hypocrites, remember what you said he did. Michael Jackson is dead, no you never gave a shit, so why are you pretendin', you motherfuckin hypocrites. Remember when he dangled his kid from a balcony, I wasn't hearin' you call him legendary, And when we heard that shit about the Culkin kid, We said \"Oh my god, Jacko's motherfuckin' sick!\" \"He likes fuckin' kids! He likes fuckin' kids!\" Nobody was talkin 'bout his music. Now if I said? he died chokin' on a kid's dick, you'd say \"Oh my god, that's so offensive!\" Well fuck you, you motherfuckin' cunt ass bitch, Everyone in the news? you hear from motherfucking cribs, On your high horse sayin' that I'm a demon, 'Cause I say \"you overdosed on a boy's semen.\" Michael Jackson is dead, don't pretend to give a shit, you motherfuckin' hypocrites, remember what you said he did. Michael Jackson is dead, no you never gave a shit, so why are you pretendin', you motherfuckin hypocrites. [Talking] \"Oh, it's so sad that Michael passed away, we loved him so much!\" Really, really, did you love him? Because from where I'm standing, it kinda sounds like you HATED him, and that you called him a freak, and that you wanted him to die. But now that he's dead, you love him, and \"he's a legend,\" and \"he's so amazing, oh we love Michael Jackson!\" How about you go FUCK yourself, you big bunch of fuckin' hypocrites. Here, I'm gonna do this for you, I'm gonna do this for you. [Singing] \"Billy Jean was not his? lover, of course she wasn't, she had a vagina, She was older than 12 years old...\" Fuck you, hypocrites!
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
The Birthday Song
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
02:11 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people /id404680350 Lyrics: It’s your birthday today, What does that mean I guess I’ll try to explain, That twenty-one years ago on this day, It was the first time your parents saw your beautiful face. And nine months before that magical day, Your Dad probably took your Mom on a date, And they were having a good time, They were dancing and drinking wine. And when they got home they were horny as hell, And your Dad threw your Mom down on the bed, And he tore her panties off, and his penis was hard as a rock. And then your Mom really wanted to give your Dad head, But your Dad also wanted to give your Mom head, So they formed a sixty-nine, And your Mom came at least three times. And then your Dad was so excited to get inside your Mom, That he forgot to put a condom on, And when he realized his mistake, He had ejaculated and it was too late. And then you Mom got pregnant, And your Dad started crying, He wanted your Mom to get an abortion, But your Mom wanted a child. And nine months later you were born. And then five months later your parents got a divorce.
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
WTF Collective
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
05:06 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE4zF36dPxE iTunes : http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: Other rappers are comprehensible, not me. First on the mic, MC Confusing! I took a piss on my nutsack and called it Jack Black It's a fact. I got more rhymes than Zach Braff taking a nap And I snack on towel racks and take a shit on your track Yeah you're whack cause everybody understands what you say. But when I get on the mic I make milk outta clay And I play air guitar with a tube of toothpaste And I say "karate pencilcase" and put it on tape. Yo, I'm MC Insecure what's up? I really don't think that I'm good enough To be rhyming on this track cause my lyrics suck All my verses fall flat like a hockey puck And it took me 7 months to write the first part of this verse And now I've got nothing left so I'll pretend that I got hurt (Ow! I think I sprained my ankle! You guys go ahead and finish the song without me.) Yo, MC Amnesia, up in this bitch Woke up five days ago lying in a ditch Didn't know who I was, I couldn't remember shit Apparently something happened that was traumatic. I used to have more lines but I can't remember them Seriously I'm freaking out I can't remember anything! (WHAT'S MY MOTHERFUCKING NAME? Seriously, does anyone know what my name is?) Yo, MC Public Urination, what what? I can take a fucking piss on the fucking sidewalk Anytime anywhere I just whip out my cock And empty my bladder while you motherfuckers watch You other MCs can't handle this shit You're just a little bitch afraid to pee in public You're all running to a toilet every time you have to piss Yo, fuck that shit, I just whip out my dick! Yo, MC Fatigue. Yeah that's me. Every time I grab the mic I fucking fall asleep (snoring) I'm the guy who sings the chorus (It breaks up the song) My part is kinda boring (I wish that I could go home) But they're paying me to sing the chorus (And I really need the cash) Cause I'm unemployed at the moment (Just moved back in with my dad) Yo, I'm MC Doesn't know what irony is Walked up to a girl and I gave her a kiss She said "Come to my place I'll suck your dick" I said "Hell yeah bitch that's so ironic" I'm MC Gets sidetracked easily. My rhymes are badass like Gandolfini You know he's known for the Sopranos but he's also in movies Like Get Shorty and Terminal Velocity Which I didn't really like cause I don't like Charlie Sheen Well I guess in Hot Shots he was kinda funny But I prefer Leslie Nielsen in the Naked Gun You know who else was in that movie? O.J. Simpson Which is kinda weird knowing what he did after that. Wait what was I saying? I think I got sidetracked. Yo, I'm MC Lethal Weapon 1,2 and 3 I liked those movies but the fourth disappointed me Danny Glover, Mel Gibson and Joe Pesci Why did they have to make a fourth? They had a perfect trilogy Yo, MC Lethal Weapon 4, that's me I disagree with MC Lethal Weapon 1, 2 and 3 Though I do agree it was a groundbreaking trilogy The fourth was awesome cause they added Chris Rock and Jet Li. Yo, I'm MC Shit My Pants Frequently It usually happens when I'm walkin' down the street Or when I'm hanging out with some fly-ass hoes There we go! Thank God I brought a change of clothes. Yo, I'm the MC with the final verse I'm supposed to sum up everything you heard. But motherfuckers I don't really have the time. So fuck that and come back to the chorus guy. I'm still singing the chorus. (Thank God we're almost done) I hate singing the chorus (Such a boring fucking job) I'm gonna take my forty bucks (That's what they're paying me) And I'm gonna go get really drunk (Masturbate then go to sleep)
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Listening to My Penis
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
04:14 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people /id404680350 Lyrics: I have to stop listening to my penis, listening to my penis, That's when I would be a genius, if I'd stop listening to my penis, I should be studying and working hard, My future depends on this bizarre Why am I standing in this noisy club? With people I hate? What the fuck? This doesn’t make sense, I hate this place, 12 Dollar drinks and a shitty DJ, Abnoxious douchebags and easy girls (Oh yeah, that’s why I’m here… the easy girls) I can’t believe that it’s come to this, To all this just to come is ridiculous I know I sound sexist but I’m a feminist, But the problem’s my dick is an idiot, And when it comes to arguments he always wins, Rationality cannot compete with orgasms, I lost my train of thought; this girl’s so hot, Here I go again, I have to stop listening to my penis, listening to my penis, That's when I would be a genius, if I'd stop listening to my penis I hate this girl; why am I talking to her? She’s a horrible person but my mind’s a blur, Coz she’s wearing a skirt and a push-up bra, God damn her wearing that push-up bra, My mind keeps telling me to walk away, “Jon just go home and masturbate, don’t waste your money and your time with this really busy girl that you don’t even like” But my dick is like “Hey, I’m here to stay, you gonna do everything that I say, first get her drunk, then it will be easier, if she wants to dance, then fucking dance with her” But I hate this music and I hate dancing, There’s no way I can afford all these drinks, “Hey, do what you have to do to get me inside, you know very well that you can’t win this fight” So five minutes later I’m on the dancefloor, Dancing to …. man I hate that hoe , I hate myself and I hate my cock, Coz it’s hard as a rock and I have to stop listening to my penis, listening to my penis, That's when I would be a genius, if I'd stop listening to my penis Stumble out of the bar is to win the moaning, Dead on the inside, but still horny, I’m trying to get this girl back to her place, But she says she’s hungry, so I have to wait, Now I’m in a diner, it’s almost three, She’s talking ‘bout her cat and reality TV, I really should just go home and go to sleep, But a goddamn … just staring at me, I just wanna spend a little time in there, Which reminds me of a quote my Voltaire, Anything just stupid to be spoken and sung And I’ve been singing a lot since I have begun listening to my penis, listening to my penis, That's when I would be a genius, if I'd stop listening to my penis So I’m back at her place, four a.m., Finally playtime begins, All my hard work is about to pay off, But all of a sudden there is a knock, On the door, she starts to freak out, Tells me she thought her boyfriend was outta town, He kicks the door down, I jump out the window, I didn’t even have the time to grab my clothes, So I’m running like a motherfucker down the street, Fully erect and still horny, I finally give in, this has to stop, So I hide in some bushes and start to jerk off, I’m almost done, when I see flash and light, It’s a SWAT car just appears outta the night, I try to run and that’s when I cum, I’m surrounded by cops on the break of dawn, See this is what happens when you listen to your dick, You become an irrational, insane prick, Now I’m sitting in the cell, ashamed and naked, How the fuck will I explain this to my wife and kid? listening to my penis, listening to my penis, That's when I would be a genius, if I'd stop listening to my penis
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
I Kill People
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
05:31 min | hace 10 meses
Album: I Kill People by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xC03hmS1Brk i Tunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-kill-people/id404680350 Lyrics: Did you miss me? Aww yeah, what? What? MC Vagina is right back in this bitch 2009 is the year I recoded this song Still not loving police Still got love for the Vaginal crease Player haters beware because... Guns don't kill people Uh-Uh I kill people With guns (pow) Hey punk ass gangsters what you lookin at? You think you can front with me? You better watch your back Because I have a lot of guns and I can shoot them good I'm a menace from society, a boy on the hood I'm invincible like Bruce Willis in the movie Invincible I'm invisible like, well I'm not really invisible I'm bad like the movie Attack of the Clones I'm dangerous (dangerous) like a fire in the nursing home Old people burning, old people burning (Put your hands up) Old people burning, old people burning (That's kind messed up) What? What? you got a problem with this? Maybe I should kick you in the face with my fist Because on top of guns I know karate and ninja stuff So if you come at me I'll trip you then I'll suck your nuts I-I mean punch your nuts Sucking them would be gay And I'm totally not gay I'm all about V-A-G-I-N-A (What?) Guns don't kill people Uh-Uh I kill people With guns (pow) If a guy messes with me I shoot him with my load All over his chest and face and down his throat. Cause I don't give a fuck I'm crazy Like Mel Gibson No, wait, that just makes me sound racist. Listen. I buy a lot of expensive things because I have a lot of money You can't afford expensive things cause you don't have a lot of money HaHa you want these things but you can't afford them That means that you're not cool cause you're just a poor person Stupid poor people, stupid poor people (I have more money than you) Stupid poor people, stupid poor people (You can't even afford food!) When I show women my money, they want to have sex with me And they always have orgasms cause my penis is so big 25 inches long and 12 inches thick I'm the Anthony Hawkins of cock The Albert Einstein of dick I'm The Beetles of cumshots, the Mozart of huge balls The Anne Frank of erections.. Uh, that's inappropriate... Everybody knows that my rhymes are really tight Like an extra large condom on my penis, that's right. My lyrics are like the movie the Shashank Redemption .....They're really good. Guns don't kill people Uh-Uh I kill people With guns (pow) I've killed so many people that I don't even remember how many people I've killed... But it's probably around 7....thousand 2005 plus 4 pennies Representin the North side C to the anada, Bitch Oh yeah, women are actually good for 4 things Cooking Cleaning Vaginas And their sisters vaginas
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Why Did You Leave Me?
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
00:38 min | hace 10 meses
Album: You Want Some of This? by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9zaZik 3n2E iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/you-want-some-of-this/id304413682 Lyrics: Why did you leave me girl I don't understand... Is it because I killed your dad... Oh it is Oh I guess that sorta makes sense So you wanna stay friends?
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
Everyday Normal Crew
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
04:52 min | hace 10 meses
Album: You Want Some of This? by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vofXcC 0rj4 iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/you-want-some-of-this/id304413682 Lyrics: Hey yo! Fuck NWA (Get the fuck outta here). Fuck G Unit (fuck that shit). Fuck D12 (motherfucker! ). Get the fuck out of the way (fuck you bitch! ). Normal motherfucking crew (motherfucker! ). Everyday normal crew (what what what what! ). We just a regular everyday normal crew, You can fuck with us cause we wont fuck with you. We just a regular everyday normal crew, Once a month we get drunk and watch Terminator 2. We just a regular everyday normal crew, If you're hot bitches were too shy to talk to you. We just a regular everyday normal crew, And we get joy spending time with our families. This is my bro J-A to the S-O-N yo, The best at Mike Tysons Punch Out on Nintendo. From Glass Joe to Macho Man, yo he fucks shit up, Then Tyson goes down with a star upper-cut. And he's also pretty good at Super Mario 3, But he doesn't use the flutes cause he doesn't like cheats. Like the Contra code that he really doesn't like, Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, Then B, A, B, A, Select, Start you got 30 lives. He says that shits for pussies who don't know how to fight. Yo this my man cheese, better known as cheese bread, We call him that cause every time he gets out of bed He puts 5 slices of cheese on 5 slices of bread. Microwaves that shit, eats it, then goes back to bed. Sleeps 12 hours a day and he doesn't like Asian food. That's right bitches, he doesn't like Asian food. He doesn't like the taste of soy sauce, Personally I love that shit but he does not. Yo Ben is my friend that owns every DVD From Goonies to Time Cop to Beverly Hills Cop 3. Dark Knight, First Knight, A Knights Tale, and Knight Rider, He even owns the motherfucking movie Street Fighter. I borrow them from him I never pay to rent a movie, As long as I take care of the box and don't scratch the DVD, Cause last week I borrowed City Slickers and it got scratched, I was hoping that he wouldn't notice when I brought it back. But he did and he was pissed so I apologized to him And he forgave me and I asked him if I could borrow the movie Twins. He was reluctant to do so, but he knows I love DeVito, With Schwarzenegger, that's a motherfucking comedic duo! We just a regular everyday normal crew, We own our tickets to Alanis Morissette in June. We just a regular everyday normal crew, We bust gats and cadillacs in Grand Theft Auto 2. We just a regular everyday normal crew, No party is a party without a Phil Collins too. We just a regular everyday normal crew, And when one of us gets a haircut we make fun of them. Yo this is D and he's a big fucking wrestling fan, Monday Night Raw, Smackdown, and all the shit from the past. Like Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulkamania, Every year he travels to attend WrestleMania. It may come as no surprise that he's never had sex, But it doesn't bother him cause he has the internet. He jerks off to freaky shit like 2 Girls 1 Cup, He's fucked up I tried watching it I fucking threw up. This my nigga KC (What the fuck did you just call me?), Sorry, I'll say friend. This is my friend KC the only black friend in the crew, Not because were racist every race is welcome in the group. Truthfully he's a friend of a friend I don't know him that well, But not because he's black my favorite actors are Denzel And Samuel L. Jackson, I also like Bill Paxton, But not because he's white, but because of his acting. This is my friend Cleo, she really likes the Beatles, Her favorite is McCartney and her least favorite is Ringo. A year ago I asked her to go on a date with me she said no, She said she'd rather just be friends and thought I'd cry and ran home. And since then we rarely make eye contact when we speak, Which is awkward cause we all hang out at least two times a week. Finally, I aint me without my best friend Steve, He's got my motherfuckin back although he's weaker than me. Hell probably have a heart attack sometime soon, But until then he's my top gun like fucking Tom Cruise. If you play organized sports say, Hell yeah. If you watch 24 say, Hell yeah. If the only ass you see is in porn say, Hell yeah. If you eat chocolate when you're bored say, Hell yeah. I eat chocolate, a lotwhen I'm bored. Um, I should stop though My metabolism is slowing down. I also like piecherryrhubarb. We just a regular everyday normal crew, The jokes getting old I fucking agree with you. We just a regular everyday normal crew, I just repeat the same shit from Normal Guy 1 and 2. We just a regular everyday normal crew, What a twist with this one and rapped about my friends too. We just a regular everyday normal crew, I think this cows been milked drymotherfucker! Steve: You want some of this bitch? you'll never get itits gonna go right up my asshole
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
2 Girls 1 Cup Song
En el Podcast  Jon Lajoie  en  Humor y entretenimiento
02:43 min | hace 10 meses
Album: You Want Some of This? by Jon Lajoie http://www.jonlajoie.com/ Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxp3zqI qO68 iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/you-want-some-of-this/id304413682 Lyrics: How do you show someone you love That they are the one So many ways to express love It's hard to choose just one How you gonna do it Some people like to kiss, some people like to hug, Some lesbians like eating each other's shit out of a cup Some people say "i love you," some even shout it out Some people puke semi-digested shit into each other's mouths Sometimes making love's not enough, You have to step it up And urinating on her face Is not enough to say "i love you" Some people like to kiss, some people like to hug, Some lesbians like eating each other's shit out of a cup Some people say "i love you," some even shout it out Some people puke semi-digested shit into each other's mouths She's covered in vomit and human feces That how i know that she needs me Shit in my mouth and i puke it all over your face I love you
Género: Otros géneros
Canal: Comedy Music ... ver+
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