The Dangers Of Demanding Happiness – Alex MacLellan (Part 2) This is part two of our interview with social anxiety-destroying therapist Alex MacLellan. Alex runs Practical Anxiety Solutions. He helps people to overcome anxiety in social realms such as sales, business, public speaking, and dating. In this interview, we discuss many interesting topics, including the dangers of demanding happiness.
Do Stoicism and Buddhism Contradict Each Other? Buddhists believe that thoughts just arrive in your head unbidden and are not under your control. Stoics teach that you can only control your thoughts (and behaviors). Do these two notions contradict each other? Not necessarily.
Mindfulness meditation is a great way of noticing the subtle automatic thoughts that arrive in your head unbidden. And then, having noticed them, you can do something about them. You can not control what automatic thoughts arrive in your head. You can control what you do with those thoughts once you notice them. In this sense, Buddhism and Stoicism seem very compatible.
Our brains produce so many thoughts. Information, images, fantasies; human brains are incredibly active. We have core beliefs. And these core beliefs produce thoughts. Stoicism allows you to choose to do something about the thoughts when they pop up.
So, core beliefs produce thoughts. And if you uncover your core beliefs, and change the faulty ones, then your brain will actually produce different thoughts in the future. Because your random thoughts are now bubbling up through more healthy and rational core beliefs. It’s beautifully empowering. You truly can control what you think!
Is It Sensible To Have High Expectations Of Other People? Preferred Indifferents are things we desire but do not need. They are things we desire but that we realize are not under our total control. And it is unwise to need something that is not under our control. It leaves us very vulnerable to stress and disappointment.
Health, wealth, having people live up to our expectations – all preferred indifferents. Prefer it, but don’t need it. You have no direct control over whether people do what you expect. And what other people do, good or bad, doesn’t actually say anything about you! It is OK to have expectations of people, but remember they are merely preferred indifferents. And so it is unwise (and highly stressful) to get too attached to what other people do.
Does Stoicism Leave You Passive and Toothless? No, it shouldn’t. The original Stoics were high fliers. They were (often very wealthy and powerful) movers and shakers. Stoicism is a very practical philosophy that should help you to succeed in the world.
It’s OK to battle for what you believe in and to try to influence the world. You should try to argue your case, push hard, get shit done. But, if it doesn’t happen, that’s OK. Do the best you can. But if it doesn’t come off that’s fine. It has to be fine because ultimately, the outcome is not under your control. Trying very hard, fighting, putting everything in…. and failing, is OK. Stoicism is about understanding that, when all is said and done, you control your effort (which should be mighty), but you do not control the results of your efforts.
Goal Setting Is Negative Being married to very specific goals tends to give you tunnel vision. Goals narrow your focus and inhibit lateral thinking. You miss opportunities in the wider world. You lose spontaneity and flexibility. You may even cut corners in a frantic attempt to reach a too specific outcome.
Instead of feeling rewarded when you finally reach a specific goal, try to feel rewarded on a daily basis for doing what you know you need to do. Learn to find the process and the journey rewarding. And allow the destination to take care of itself.
So reign your goals in and make them as process-orientated as possible. (This idea is similar to Scott Adams concept of ‘systems versus goals’ (from his book How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big).)
This should not lead to laxness. Hard work and maximum effort are desirable and necessary. But think of your goals in terms of daily processes, and do not focus on a distance outcome. This way of living will make you happier, more flexible, and more effective.
Tiny Habits If you want to develop a new habit, do the tiniest possible increment of it as consistently as possible, to begin with. You are trying to make your new habit automatic. So by doing the smallest possible increment of it, you manage to keep going. And in keeping going, day in day out, you make it stick.
Ultimately, work hard, but be easy on yourself. You can work towards greatness. You can make your dreams reality. The world is your oyster (to a degree). But you are also a flawed human. You have sinned, do sin, and will sin again. As have, do, and will all other people. So be light with yourself, and be light with others. Be relaxed in your own skin, be kind to yourself and others. Enjoy every day, while keeping an intelligent eye on the future. Strive…. with joy in your heart. And beware the dangers of demanding happiness!
Book Recommendations
Alex was kind enough to leave us with some interesting reading recommendations. The books he recommended were; How To Be a Stoic by Massimo Pigliucci, Happy by Derren Brown, Anxiety Disorders: The Go-to Guide for Clients and Therapists by Carolyn Daitch, and, last but not least, any great fiction.
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