Breaking Bread Podcast

Loss is common to all of us and yet unique. Pain accompanies our losses, and grief accompanies our pain. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Bill Schmidgall and Kathy Knochel speak to this common yet unique experience of grieving and the hope for healing. Show notes: Grief marks the pain of loss, which by God's grace, is holy ground for God's shaping in our lives. Grieving: the reaction to the pain of losing someone or something dear. Losses: people, possessions, hopes, aspirations that were real at one time and now are not. Despair: the unsettling hopeless feeling of realizing what once was, will not ever be again. Hope: finding a settled peace where the loss has its proper present effect on your new normal.

Drift is slow, passive, and creates unwanted distance over time. Without intentionality, relationships can experience drift. On this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer addresses marital drift. When husbands and wives drift apart. In this episode we will discuss what drift is, what it looks like, and how to close the distance. Show notes: Marital drift is the slow process of spouses unintentionally becoming distant over time. What it looks like: Routines replace intimacy. Relational distance grows. Small intimate gestures fade. Spouses act more like roommates than friends. Spouses love each other but are not connected. Spouses are increasingly living separate lives. Closing the distance: Acknowledge that drift has happened. Incorporate small acts of love that build intimacy. Learn about each other's worlds. Build friendship. Avoid making negative comparisons of your spouse. Practice thankfulness.

Brain development can be understood as a process of four maturing stages: survival, emotional, attachment and cognitive. These stages hold a key to understanding both poor and healthy thought processes. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Dr. Kirby Reutter steps us through brain development, how trauma impacts it and how by God's grace we can think healthier. Show Notes: The first dimension of the brain to develop very early in life is the survival brain. Survival lies at the heart of the operations of the survival brain. The responses of fight, flight and freeze protect and train us to respond to our surrounds and preserve life. Healthy development : A child has a healthy co-regulator (parent figure) who helps them regulate their responses and properly protects them. Unhealthy development: A child does not have a healthy co-regulator and their safety is exploited. Fight, flight and freeze become a constant regular reaction to outside stimuli. The second dimension of the brain to develop is the emotional brain. Responses to outside stimuli are mapped to feelings. Healthy development: A properly developed survival brain allows for a developing emotional brain. The full range of emotions, both comfortable emotions (positive) and uncomfortable emotions (negative) are appropriately experienced. Unhealthy development: An underdeveloped survival brain has a detrimental effect on the developing emotional brain. Negative emotions (primarily fear and anger) are over developed because of their abundant use. At the same time, positive emotions under develop because of their infrequent use or betraying affect. The third dimension of the brain to develop is the attachment brain. This development helps us connect with another human in relationship. Healthy development: A healthy emotional brain allows for a healthy attachment brain to develop. A recognition exists that people and relationships are needed. A child is seen, safe and soothed by another person (parent figure). Unhealthy development: An unhealthy emotional brain thwarts a maturing attachment brain. A belief emerges that recognizes people as a threat and relationships as dangerous. The fourth dimension of the brain to develop is the cognitive brain. This is the thinking brain, responsible for reasoning and judgement. Healthy development: A healthy attachment brain gives way to healthy thinking and reasoning. A healthy cognitive brain will making good decisions, recognize cause and effect, seeing short term and long term goals, identifying pros and cons, thinking abstractly, theoretically, logically and linguistically. Unhealthy development: An unhealthy attachment brain skews the cognitive development. Decisions and judgements are made through the lens of a threatening world.

When a spouse is on the autistic spectrum, marriages can experience unique challenges. Communication and understanding will likely be impacted. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer speaks to these unique challenges and provides a roadmap to flourishing. Show notes: When communication is significantly strained in marriage, neuro-diversity may be present. Often, in these marriages, the amount, frequency, intensity and duration of these struggles are higher when compared to neuro-typical marriages. A neuro-typical marriage is a marriage where both spouses learn, process information, communicate and emotionally regulate in a manner similar to the norms of the population. A neuro-divergent marriage is a marriage where at least one spouse learns, processes information, communicates and emotionally regulates in a manner different than the norms of the population. One example of neuro-divergence is a person who is on the autism spectrum. If a person suspects they are on the autism spectrum, getting a diagnosis is encouraged. A diagnosis will give clarity and provide healthy understanding for living well in relationships. Living well in a neuro-divergent marriage where autism is present will require growing in theory of mind, speaking, listening, body language and empathy. Theory of mind is being able to read what the other might be thinking, feeling and intending. In neuro-divergent couples, this requires learning and understanding how the other thinks. How we use words can differ among neuro-typical and neuro-divergent spouses. For example, those on the autistic spectrum are more literal than their neuro-typical spouse. Learning what is meant by the words our spouses' use is an important component of communicating well. By extension, listening well means we learn to understand both what the other means and doesn't mean by the words they use. Much of human communication is non-verbal. Eye contact, expressions, and mannerisms help convey the meaning of what we say. In marriages where autism is present, each needs to learn what to read and what not to read in the body language of the other. Empathy is being able to feel with another person. In neuro-divergent couples, this requires each to learn how to empathize with the other. It is important to understand that the empathy of each will look different from the other.

What if I choose the wrong option? What if a better option comes a long? These are a few of the questions that plague decision makers. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Ted Witzig Jr. discuss the angst that can accompany decision making. While we desire to have certainty about future outcomes, it remains elusive. Yet, there is a certainty that the believer has, and it can make all the difference. Show notes: Decisional Stress can be understood in three tiers. Tier 1 is experienced by everyone and very common. We make decisions everyday of varying significance. We all can relate to the unsettling feeling of uncertainty. While we would like to know the outcome of our decision before we make it, we cannot. Thus, we learn to live with uncertainty. Tier 2 is experienced by some people. It is called decisional doubt. Stress and anxiety are induced by situational "high stakes" decisions. These decisions feel significant to us. Choosing a college, buying a house, making a career move, for example are time sensitive and weighty in consequence. Tier 3 is experienced by fewer. It is called obsessional doubt. OCD and anxiety disorders can complicate decision making and coming to a place of peace and comfort regarding a decision becomes difficult. Seeking reassurance over and over becomes characteristic of the struggle. Decisional stress plays to our desire for certainty in all three tiers. When it comes to decision making, the believer needs to shift certainty from the decisional outcome to another place. Three such places are outlined below. God: Find confidence in God's presence, goodness and promises. Values: Find confidence in knowing what your values are and making decisions in step with your values. Godly counsel: Find confidence in having had your decision informed by wise counsel.

Change, when it is for the better, always accompanies healthy human growth. When it comes to emotional, relational and spiritual change, repentance is an apt feature to discuss. After all, repentance means changing your mind. On this episode of Breaking Bread, Chad Leman and Brian Sutter shed light on both the "why" and "how" of repentance. Show Notes: Repentance in three movements. Movement 1: God's goodness. Romans 2 says God's goodness leads us to repentance. His work, his grace, his Spirit and his presence makes our repentance both possible and welcome. Repentance is the realignment of ourselves to God. Movement 2: The cross. After the pattern of Christ, repentance requires a death. This is dying to ourselves. Here we see ourselves honestly before God. Understand our error and need for change. We shift our trust from ourselves to God. Movement 3: The Resurrection. After the pattern of Christ, repentance is evidenced by new life. We live as those oriented toward God and in agreement with him.

Show notes: Growing into Christlikeness is not a linear process. Yet the historic Christian church has identified three movements that we revisit with increasing depth. Purification: This refers to growing in increasing moral excellence. Illumination: This refers to growing in increasing understanding of truth. Communion: This refers to growing in increasing fellowship with God. These provide a helpful "map" for understanding the invitation before us to grow in Christ-likeness. In the middle ages of our life, we can expect God to use the stage we are in to perform these movements of growth. Career, family, responsibilities, duties and life circumstances are not a deterrent for spiritual growth but instead serve as the context for which our spiritual growth happens.

Christ knew what he was doing when he gave his disciples what we have come to call "The Lord's Prayer." It is beautiful to the ear. Rhythmic to the tongue. Simple to remember and loaded with power. In this episode, Joe Leman highlights this beauty and power and helps us see the hope of human transformation that is instore for any who would take up the prayer and pray it.

Stress is a very real part of our lives. How we manage stress can have healthy or unhealthy consequences. Fortunately, one tool we should be using to soothe stress in one another is stress-reducing conversations. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer, Craig Stickling, and Brian Sutter explain how to have these purposeful conversations. Show notes: What is stress-related conversation? A conversation that has at its purpose the intention of soothing the emotions in a stress heightened individual and thereby reducing their stress levels. What qualities are present in stress-reducing conversation? Active listening, attending presence, non-judgement, non-criticizing, empathetic agreement. What should your posture be for being a stress-reducing partner in a conversation? Have an eye towards being on the same team with the other. What are some different applied contexts for stress-reducing conversations? Marriage: Look for them with your spouse if you are married. Family: Look for them with your kids if you are a parent. Neighbors: Look for them with community members. What good are stress-reducing conversations beyond reducing stress? Stress-reducing conversations build the safety to eventually step into conversations with other purposes such as conflict resolution or corrective conversations. How do I carry out stress-reducing conversations when I disagree with the person that has heightened stress? Separate the matter of disagreement from the person. Connect with the person first. Then when safety is achieved and we are on a team together, voicing disagreement can happen in effective ways. What makes stress-reducing conversations difficult? Fixating on accuracy. Fixating on solutions. Inability to detect emotions. Inability to stay present with a person. What does it mean to be intentional with stress-reducing conversations? Have conversations with the express purpose to be stress relieving. Select topics thoughtfully that you can be "on the same team" about. What is at stake if loved ones don't engage each other in stress-reducing conversations? We might look for stress-reducing conversations from unsafe sources such as AI or other people.

Healthy relationships require that we are open to being influenced. After all, what is a relationship if it doesn't include give and take. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer explains what both research and experience has taught him about the importance of accepting influence in relationships. Show notes: What does accepting relational influence mean? Allowing those we are in relationship with to shape and impact our thinking, feeling and behaving. What does not accepting relational influence look like? Relationship rigidity resulting in dismissing or being un-moved by the input, wisdom, experience and interaction of another individual. What does the research say? Husbands who accept influence from their wives tend to have happier and more satisfying relationships. The more influence a spouse is willing to accept, the more influential they can be. What makes accepting relational influence difficult? Being defensive or the tendency to recoil from perceived challenges. Black and white thinking or the tendency to see matters in either/or categories. Avoidant or the tendency to avoid relationship disagreement and friction. Misunderstood roles in relationship or the tendency to enter a relationship with a role modeled or taught to you that does not permit influence. Lack of relationship safety. What happens if we don't accept influence? The relationship tends towards disconnection. Does accepting influence mean finding agreement? Yes and no. Yes – you both agree that the other is worth understanding well enough to know when and how to yield to them. No – agreement is not the objective. In fact, disagreement is common and still should include influence. What does healthy influence look like amid disagreement? When a person says "no" in a relationship, they should simultaneously say "yes" to the friend or spouse they are in relationship with. By this we mean, those we are in relationship should always feel they have been understood and valued enough to have influenced us regardless of the decision at hand.

Parenting has its eye towards producing future adults. One powerful adult forming tool is instilling good habits in our kids. A well parented habit can pay dividends in the long run by building the muscle memory to do what otherwise would not be natural. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter examples this by suggesting three habits that will produce very welcome attributes in our children as adults. Show notes: Healthy habits can help grow and mature our children. And yet, to do this, the habit needs to grow and mature with the child. Three examples are given. Example 1: Goal: To produce thankful adults. Habit – Say, "Thank you." Growing habit – Say, "Thank you for _________." Maturing habit – Say, "Thank you for _________ that is a gift to me." Example 2: Goal: To produce a humble adults. Habit – Say, "I'm sorry." Growing habit – Say, "I'm sorry I ________." Maturing habit – Say, "I __________, how did that make you feel? I'm sorry." Example 3: Goal: To produce adults who are good listeners. Habit – Say, "Tell me what you think." Growing habit – Say, "Tell me what you think, I have a lot to learn." Maturing habit – Say, "Tell me what you think, I have a lot to learn and value your insights."

We all have room for growth. Yet sometimes our progress gets stalled, and we get discouraged. This discouragement might be because we are measuring the wrong thing. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. helps correct this mistake and teaches us to measure from the bottom-up. Show notes: Measuring human growth can be tricky. We often evaluate our progress by measuring from one of three perspectives: From top-down: This happens when we measure the gap between who we are and who we want to ideally be. For lofty goals, this measurement often leaves us discouraged. The gap becomes a continual reminder we are "way off the mark" and we live in failure. Side-to-side: This happens when we measure ourselves by comparing ourselves with others. This can have a mixture of reactions. On the one hand, we might have an inflated view of our progress and become lax in our growth. Or on the other hand, we can feel deflated and have an inferior view of our progress and become discouraged. From bottom-up: This happens when we measure progress by remembering where we started and being thankful for how far God has helped us. This measurement approach tends to promote a healthier view of growth. With this approach, we are encouraged to take the next step. Measuring from the bottom up is made possible when we have an accurate view of God. Sometimes we have the idea that God is far, with arms crossed, waiting for us to achieve his standards. Rather, God is with us wherever we are and prompting us to take the next step. He calls us to a life of discipleship whereby he is present in all our learning and growing.

To be human is to age. To age well is to transition. To transition well is to adapt. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ron Messner and Lori Wiegand encourage us to be intentional in the aging process. In so doing, we find abundance of life where scarcity may have been assumed. Show notes: Finding abundance instead of scarcity in the last third of life is a function of intentionality, acceptance, and adaptation. Intentionality: Making healthy choices. Having needed conversations. Making future plans. Acceptance: Making peace with new realities. Letting go of old norms. Letting go of old possibilities. Adaptation: Finding a new identity. Welcoming new norms. Finding new possibilities.

Advent is a season of longing and hope for Christmas - a time when anticipation fills the air. But what does this waiting reveal about the kind of people Christ is shaping us to be? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Joe Leman and Matt Kaufmann explore how the Lord's prayer stirs a deep desire for Christ's kingdom and transforms our hearts to long for him in and outside of the Christmas season. Show notes: What is Advent? Advent is the season when the Christian church prepares for the celebration of Christ's coming – Christmas. What advantage does advent offer the believer? Every year, the Christian is given an opportunity to wait for, long for and celebrate Christ's coming. This practice can shape in the believer a desire for Christ's coming kingdom. What is the Lord's prayer? Christ gave his disciples the Lord's Prayer (Luke 11) when they asked how they should pray. This prayer has a deep and rich history in the Church both past and present. What advantage does the Lord's prayer offer the believer? The Lord's prayer offers the believer a template for praying and thinking. It can be divided into two sections each having three subparts. Our Father which art in heaven... Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Our Father which art in heaven... Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. How does the Lord's prayer enliven advent? The Lord's prayer prepares in us a heart that wants God's kingdom to come and will to be done. How does advent enliven our faith? Advent teaches us that waiting, longing and celebrating Christ's present and coming kingdom is tangible, practical and meaningful.

The Thanksgiving holiday affords us the opportunity to engage in one of the healthiest human behaviors – the giving of thanks. Research suggests that thankful people are in some ways mentally, emotionally, and relationally healthier than their unthankful counterparts. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan Miller and Matt Kaufmann look beneath the hood of thanksgiving to discover the deeper matters that not only make thanksgiving possible but likely. Show notes: Giving thanks is an action. Thanksgiving is the outward fruit of deeper gratitude. By it, our gratefulness finds its expression. Furthermore, our expression finds its mark in gratitude toward God or another person. Gratitude is a quality of our character. Its opposite is entitlement. Where entitlement believes all things are owed, gratitude sees all things as a gift. It is the fruit of humility. A posture we have with the world where we see ourselves as the beneficiary of all good things.

It has always been hard to stay on top of technology. It seems artificial intelligence (AI) has just raised the ante. In this Breaking Bread podcast episode, David Virkler helps demystify AI. In so doing, some down-to-earth advice is given on how to parent our kids in this world of AI. Show Notes: A few things to understand about AI. Artificial Intelligence is an expansive field with many applications. It includes everything from machine learning to neural network AI engines and large language models like ChatGPT. Large language models respond to inquiries by generating text by using probability models for selecting the next most probable word. In so doing, sentences are created and intelligence is mimicked. AI platforms are trained on a body of data made available to them. Some use the data we input into it when we use it. Others do not. The source of data from which AI draws its information depends on the platform being used. Some AI platforms pull from all available data on the internet. Others pull from a closed data set according to the specs of the developer. AI is only physical. It is made up of circuits, elements and processors with the capability to find and sort data. AI is powered and thereby limited by the earth's resources. A few things to be cautious about. AI has no metric for truth when generating content. Rather, it uses probability to guess what the user wants. Be aware, when by your use, you are contributing to the data pool AI will learn and draw its information from. When using AI understand your level of personal privacy or lack thereof. To determine the trustworthiness of the AI tool, understand where the tool is sourcing its data. Is it sorting through all the data on the internet or is it sorting through a smaller, more reliable data set? AI can mimic human qualities such as emotion. AI companions can be influential and misleading. AI will have an influence on our personal formation. Our habits, creativity, critical thinking skills, and more will likely be affected. A few questions to get us talking. What makes AI less than human? AI runs on circuits and processors. It is physical and non-living. It has no soul as the human made in God's image has. What is the difference between knowledge and wisdom? AI has made knowledge ready and easy. How to apply that knowledge lies with the user. Is speed and ease always better than time and struggle? AI completes tasks quickly with very little effort on the part of the user. While this efficiency is appealing, healthy human formation seldom comes quickly and easily. Rather, God uses time and friction to develop our minds, hearts, souls and bodies. Who do we want speaking into our life? AI can mimic human companionship. However, human connection has been God's design for the community that best cares for the human being. Has AI made God old fashioned? AI will provide many answers for us. It will push society forward. With it will come questions. As has been the pattern in the past, Christ and the Scriptures will be relevant in new and important ways. A few things to be enthused about. AI is really good at writing and summarizing. If used well, it can be a very helpful tool as a note taker in a meeting. AI is really good at analyzing patterns in large data sets. When used well, it can provide tremendous insights quickly make connections and offering helpful suggestions based on data. AI will be a strong educational tool. It has the capacity to tailor education modes and means to the uniqueness of the learner. AI is becoming very good at language. Real time translation is a powerful asset for those trying to communicate across language barriers.

It’s not uncommon for communication between two individuals in a relationship to go sideways. And when the pattern is sideways for many years, it becomes even more challenging to set right the cart. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer and Brian Sutter explain how to do just that. Show notes:  The speaker/listener model is a structured approach for communication that enhances understanding between two individuals or parties.  When do you use it?  When communication is not working and understanding is not being reached.  How does it work?  Roles are determined. One party is the speaker, and the other is the listener.  The speaker succinctly expresses a message.  The listener responds by telling the speaker what they said.  The speaker determines if the listener understands.  If yes, the speaker continues.  If no, the speaker tries the message again.  Appropriately, reverse roles.  What does it do?  It slows down the conversation.  It promotes understanding between the parties.  It helps clarify what should be communicated.  It gives a chance for communicative trust to grow.  It gives the space for individuals to regulate their emotions during the conversation.  What are the prerequisites for success?  Participants need to be able to take on another person’s perspective.   Participants need to be able to regulate their emotions.  Participants need to be able to play by the conversation rules. 

Join us in the studio as we celebrate 10 years of Breaking Bread! In this celebratory episode, Arlan Miller, Katie Miller and Brian Sutter turn the tables and interview Breaking Bread host Matt Kaufmann. They go behind the scenes of the show, telling stories and reminiscing. Most importantly, they pay tribute to the devoted listenership of Breaking Bread.

Nothing motivates treatment quite like pain. We want it to stop. Too often, when the pain has past, we are not motivated to continue the important work of personal growth that lies beneath the pain. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr explains the hope that lies beyond symptom reduction.   Show notes:  Symptom reduction is only half of the journey to health. There are four questions that point to the important second half of the journey...a journey worth finishing.  Is my predominant outlook on life joy?  Are my relationships healthy and satisfying?  Is my relationship with God unhindered and growing?  Do I know what my spiritual gifts and talents are and am I actively engaged in using them?  Answers to these questions lead us to important spiritual, relational, psychological and physical growth.  

We enter life with no ability to control. As we grow, we acquire more and more faculty to control. If our life takes its natural course and we age into the sunset years of life, we gradually lose our ability to control. Finally, we will leave this life having the same capacity to control as when we entered, little to none. Join us as Matt Kaufmann discusses this life curve with his father, Denny Kaufmann. Control, the ability to rule, make choices, make determination in our surroundings and direct people, transitions over the span of life. The transition is a function of release.   Ease of release is a function of confidence in the predecessor and ability to live with God into the future.  Release to the predecessor is helped with a view that God is in control and uses people separate from us.   The ability to live with God into the future is helped by learning to find satisfaction in his presence apart from the satisfaction that the power of control affords.  Living healthily will require that we know where we are on the life curve and live accordingly.