Coffee with The Couple Cure

I used to go to meetings where we spent 5 minutes on sobriety and 55 minutes shooting the breeze. The truth? I liked it that way. In this video, we expose the 'Good Old Boy' network and why comfort is the enemy of real change. In this episode, Jay and Lori dive into the "soft accountability" trap that many men fall into. Jay confesses how he used to whitewash his relapses and how his accountability partners—including a church leader—failed to challenge him because they were struggling themselves. We discuss the "Good Old Boy Network" in recovery and why "nothing but grace" can actually be a form of enabling. In this video, we cover: - Why "passive accountability" is often worse than no accountability at all. - The "24-Hour Rule": Why Jay requires addicts to tell their wives about slips within 24 hours. - Why sobriety breeds sobriety and the importance of a mentor with long-term freedom. - The role of the church in addressing addiction and domestic abuse. Question for the comments: For Wives: What does real accountability look like to you in your husband's recovery? For Addicts: What could a mentor have said that would have finally "pierced the fog" for you? -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #marriagerecovery #pornaddictionhelp #healingrelationships

After 28 years, I finally understand the mind-pretzel logic that kept my husband stuck in addiction: "Everyone leaves because I'm fundamentally broken, so I might as well use porn. But you're NOT allowed to point out my brokenness, or YOU'RE the bad one." In this episode, we break down Jay's Plan A, B, and C - and why he never planned for the one where I could agree with him about his flaws without him exploding or expecting me to leave. The revelation that changed everything for me: Jay didn't see me as his wife. He saw me as just another level of enemy - closer than most, but still someone who would eventually use ammunition against him. This explains why it was easier for him to let me file for divorce than to let me point out a single flaw. His ego couldn't handle being seen, even by someone who loved him. For the wives watching: If you've tried the "compliment-concern-commitment" approach perfectly for months and he still attacks you, you're not crazy. He might just like to fight. Try it for six months like I did, then trust what you see. For the men watching: If you're stuck in "everyone's against me" thinking, this video shows you how to find actually trustworthy people and build real vulnerability instead of keeping everyone at arm's length as potential threats. Preemptive victimhood doesn't make you the victim. It turns you into the perpetrator. Episode referenced: "She's the Enemy" (December 15th) What we cover: -Why "thank you" wasn't enough (but "this hurts me" was too much) -The narcissistic response to having flaws pointed out -How the Three C's approach worked (and when it didn't) -"Different levels of enemies" - the mindset that blocks real connection -The college friend Jay screamed at for 2 hours -How to test if someone is actually trustworthy -Why strong emotions from your wife mean she loves you, not hates you Timestamps 00:00 Cold Open: Preemptive Victimhood Made Him the Perpetrator 00:37 The Mind-Pretzel: I'm Broken But You Can't Say It 02:44 Plan A, B, C: He Never Expected Me to Agree 04:43 Easier for Me to Leave Than for His Ego to Break 06:47 I Tried the Three C's Perfectly for Six Months (He Still Attacked) 09:43 Everybody's Different (Learning to Trust Again) 10:47 Just Different Levels of Enemies (No Real Friends) 12:03 How to Find People Who Are Actually Trustworthy 13:54 When Victimhood Turns You Into the Abuser -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

"The one I thought you were gonna say is: she's the enemy." For years, Jay didn't just lie to me about his addiction. He lied to himself about WHO I was. And those lies kept him stuck in porn for decades. The 5 lies addicts believe about their wives: She's the enemy - Anyone who sees a crack in the mask must be stopped and hushed She's gonna leave anyway - So why bother trying? Might as well do whatever I want She doesn't care about me - I'm not that important to her (justification to use) She's too angry to handle the truth - When really, he feared rejection and being alone She won't meet my expectations - Unspoken demands that turn into resentment and reasons to look elsewhere The shocking part? Jay admits: "I am an abuser, and abusers dominate. And that's what I did." He made me easy to dominate. He sufficiently shut me up. He turned me from a mirror (reflecting his behavior) into a shield (protecting him from truth). Why this matters: These beliefs aren't about you - they're about attachment issues and fear Most addicts don't even know they believe these lies The goal was never sex - it was avoiding being truly known Without consistent boundaries, addicts will keep crossing lines For partners: If he sees you as the enemy for pointing out flaws, if he believes you'll leave no matter what, if he resents you for not meeting unspoken expectations - these are the lies keeping him stuck. For addicts: Your wife could have made recovery so much easier. But your false beliefs about her became your excuse to keep using. The truth? You should have taken your needs to God, not porn. What lie did your addict believe about you? Comment below. CHAPTERS 00:00 Cold Open: "She's the Enemy" 00:31 Intro: The Lies Addicts Tell Themselves 00:51 Belief #1: You're Gonna Leave Anyway 02:20 Belief #2: She's the Enemy 03:52 Did You See Me as Too Weak or Too Angry? 06:12 The Pride and Shame Paradox 08:33 Did You Need Me or Did I Need to Fix You? 10:18 Hot Take: I'm Sick of "Power Over" People 10:29 Were You Sure I'd Never Leave? 10:42 Mirror or Shield? (How He Shut Me Up) 11:47 TRUTH: I Am an Abuser - Addicts Dominate 12:03 Did Fear of Losing Me Compete With Certainty? 13:21 It's Not About You - It's Attachment Issues 14:05 My Rock or My Reason to Use Porn? 15:31 The Truth: Unspoken Expectations Breed Resentment 16:37 What Should My Role Have Been? 17:07 The Importance of Consistent Boundaries 18:41 Questions for Viewers -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

How did Jay pretend to change when he really hadn't? In this episode, Lori asks 11 HARD QUESTIONS to uncover the difference between performing recovery and experiencing true, internal transformation. Jay answers honestly about the exhausting cycle of surface-level change: • REHEARSING the "right" answers just to get Lori "off his back" and his prayers becoming "robotic". • How he engaged in "SPIRITUAL OLYMPICS” to throw everyone off—including himself. • The SHOCKING moment a coach uncovered his core, entitled belief about his PURPOSE IN LIFE. • The "Armchair Meeting of Needs" tactic he used in order to think he had changed. • How he traded his shovel for a "backhoe" to finally GO DEEPER INTO TRANSFORMATION. This episode is a must-watch for anyone struggling to BREAK THE CYCLE where one partner performs change without true, internal motivation. Timestamps 00:00 Rehearsed Answers & Entertainment Confession 00:40 How Did You Pretend to Change? 01:26 Were You Really Close to God? 02:26 What Signs Did You Perform? 05:52 Did You Rehearse Answers to Get Me Off Your Back? 07:27 What Made You Feel Proud (But Wasn't Real)? 08:28 Armchair Meeting of Needs 09:03 Were Recovery Efforts Just Buying Time? 10:05 How Did You Hide That Change Wasn't Internal? 10:53 What If Someone Had Taught You Real Tools? 12:53 What Were You Unwilling to Give Up? 13:50 "My Purpose Is to Be Entertained" 15:07 Did Pretending Become More Exhausting? 16:48 Did You Know You Weren't Really Changing? 19:29 What Would You Have Said If Honest? 22:15 Questions for Viewers + Next Episode -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #spiritualbypassing #recoverytools #copingmechanisms

I have that photograph of Christmas. That kid saw so many possibilities. I think he would've looked at me and said: wait, you're 38 years older than me and you're still doing the same stuff I'm doing? That sucks." This might be the most heartbreaking conversation we've ever recorded. Jay looks back at 11 moments when his heart hardened - and the younger version of himself that got left behind. What you'll discover: • The progression: soft → hard → soft → really hard (how hearts harden and soften over years) • "I had to shut myself down to what lying was doing to her" (the only way to keep lying) • When spiritual language disguises emotional death ("I'm at peace" but couldn't define peace) • The situations that should have broken him but didn't (grandfather's death, divorce, losing his career) • "He had sufficiently shut me up" (how addicts train themselves to stop reacting to pain) • Why his internal world became "really tiny" (addiction closes you down to just the screen) • Narcotics Anonymous Step 3: "We no longer have a conscience" (aggressively pursuing what we want) • The younger self question that gutted him (what would that hopeful kid think?) For partners: This explains why he seems emotionally flat, why your pain doesn't register, why spiritual words feel hollow. You're watching someone whose heart has hardened layer by layer. For addicts: Can you see it happening? The pattern of harden → soften → harden deeper? The moments you chose impulse over conscience? The kid you used to be is still in there. Plus: The difference between acceptance and resignation (one has peace, the other has anger and self-pity). CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro: Powerful clips (younger self, shut her up, no conscience) 01:23 Can you see your heart hardening over the years? 02:41 Did your heart harden spiritually, not just toward me? 03:22 What led you back to porn after 6 months sober in college? 04:51 Beyond anxiety - what other feelings drove you back? 05:09 When did your emotional responses become muted or automatic? 05:45 "I should be feeling something right now, but I don't" 07:43 Did you interpret numbness as maturity or strength? 08:11 How did you train yourself to stop reacting to my pain? 09:39 What situations should have broken you but didn't? 10:45 Did spiritual language disguise your emotional hardening? 12:32 Did your internal world feel smaller and flatter over time? 13:11 When God told you to stop, you consciously chose your own way 15:48 What would your younger self think of who you became? 17:26 Question for viewers: Have you watched someone grow cold? -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

The opposite of love is something OTHER THAN HATE. And when Lori stopped crying? That's when Jay finally got scared. In this raw 26-minute conversation, Lori ask Jay 12 Questions about what really went through his mind when he saw her crying over his betrayal. His answers reveal the uncomfortable truth about damaged empathy, hardened hearts, and why Lori’s silence terrified him MORE than her tears ever did. They also cover what EMOTINAL MATURITY is… and isn’t. What you'll discover: • What Jay felt in his body the first time he saw Lori cry (fear, and …) • When her crying stopped affecting him the same way (damaged empathy) • Did her tears make him want to just get better at HIDING? (the honest answer) • The story he told himself to pretend her pain didn't exist • The moment she stopped crying and why THAT finally scared him • Did he feel bad for her… or for how it made him look? For Partners: If he’s seen your pain through your tears and still nothing changed, this video explains why. Plus, Jay reveals what finally broke through his hardened heart. For Addicts: This conversation shows the difference between feeling bad about messing up vs. feeling bad for the person you hurt. It also challenges you to see your wife's tears as a sign of pain instead of a sign of your worth? Plus: The accounting vs. math analogy that helped Jay understand what Lori needed (and WHY IT DIDN'T LAST). NOTE: We're trying a new editing style, going from natural but long to choppier and shorter. (Tell us which you prefer!) CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro (new editing = choppier.) 01:23 What did you feel when I cried? 06:51 EMOTIONAL MATURITY EQUALS… 08:42 Did you feel bad for me (vs your image)? 11:12 What did you FEEL IN YOUR BODY in the breakthrough moment? 12:20 When did my crying STOP affecting you the same way? 14:58 Did you feel ANNOYED when I cried? 15:33 Did my tears ever make you feel powerful? 18:24 Did you only cry over own feelings… or for me? 19:16 What story did you tell yourself to pretend my pain didn't exist? 20:16 Did watching me cry make you want to get better at HIDING? 21:15 Did you ever feel bad about NOT feeling bad? 22:37 What was hardest: the emotion or consequences? 24:12 Did it SCARE YOU MORE when I stopped crying (indifference) 25:49 Questions for viewers & Sneak Peek -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

HONEST QUESTION: Did you ever think 'SHE'LL NEVER LEAVE ME, so I can keep doing this'? Most partners wonder if their addict secretly believed they could get away with it forever. In this brutally honest conversation, Jay answers questions that keeps betrayed spouses up at night, including: DID YOU THINK I WAS TOO WEAK TO LEAVE? His answer might surprise you. What you'll discover: • Why Jay believed 'people leave' but kept lying anyway (the twisted logic of addiction) • The moment I stopped being the 'good Christian girl' and what finally changed • Did he see my staying as weakness or strength? (you need to hear this) • How addicts put 'stock in their ability to lie' and why that delusion keeps them trapped • The difference between desperate plate-spinning vs. mastermind manipulation (who we work with) • When it finally hit him that I wasn't going to tolerate this forever (it wasn't what I expected) FOR PARTNERS: If you've ever wondered whether your loyalty is being used as a weapon against you, this conversation validates everything you're feeling. Jay reveals what was really going through his mind when I stayed, when I threatened to leave, and when I finally meant it. FOR ADDICTS: If you're thinking 'just one more time' or 'she'll never find out,' you need to hear why that thinking is borrowed time, not clever strategy. PLUS: What I did every time we had a bad conversation (separating boxes, DIY divorce books, and the grief that always followed). COMMENT BELOW: Do you ever feel like YOUR LOYALTY OR KINDNESS is used against you? TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Intro: Did you think I'd never leave? 00:34 Did you think she'll never leave me, so I can keep doing this? 01:42 Did you think you'd never face real consequences? 03:29 Did you ever test my limits? 04:14 Did it ever sink in that I might actually leave? (Lori's experience) 06:13 What I did with MY ANGER (separating boxes & DIY divorce) 07:16 Did you realize my staying wasn't the same as healing? 08:22 Did you misinterpret my silence as a GREEN LIGHT? 10:09 Did you mentally calculate how much I'd put up with? 11:24 Was your ABILITY TO LIE A SOURCE OF PRIDE? 12:34 Did you see me as WEAK FOR STAYING? (his answer surprised me)* 15:04 The type of men we work with 15:40 How many times did you think 'she'll never find out'? 17:22 The moment I stopped being the 'good Christian girl' 17:28 QUESTION FOR VIEWERS: Is your loyalty used as a weapon? -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #narcissisticabuse #gaslighting #toxicrelationships #marriagehealing #trustissues #emotionalabuse #christianmarriage #deception #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

When addicts first get caught, most expect their partner to just move on: “I'm sorry! I quit! let's never talk about this again!” But here's the brutal truth: that mindset destroys any chance of real healing. In this raw conversation, Jay reveals what he expected Lori to just get over shortly after D-Day, and why that expectation was completely backwards. We break down: • WHY ADDICTS RESIST talking about it • The SILENT TACTICS keep partners trapped • What "PROACTIVITY" actually means in recovery • Why betrayal trauma is like still being IN COMBAT • ONE THING that would have SPED UP our healing (both partners need to hear this) • Why this is NOT BIBLICAL or healthy For addicts: If you're frustrated, she's not "over it yet," this will show you what you're actually asking her to carry. (Hint: Trust isn't something you automatically deserve.) For partners: If anyone has told you to just forgive and move on, this validates why that advice is toxic. You're not being stubborn. You're in trauma. And he needs to understand what that really means. This is about what real repair looks like versus just getting back to ‘status quo.’ Because maintaining peace through silence isn't peace at all. Timestamps 00:00 Hook 00:39 Intro 01:42 How quickly did that mindset kick in for you? 04:00 Why does she keep talking about it? 06:52 Did you pressure me even silently to move on faster (or maybe not so silently)? 09:55 I didn't want to work hard. 10:45 What surprised you most about how long healing really takes? 11:35 What is the "lived out" definition of what you need? 13:58 How did learning about betrayal trauma change your expectation? 15:50 What did you need to unlearn about healing timelines to really show up for me? 18:01 What advice would you give to men who are frustrated that their wives aren't "over it" yet? 19:23 For our listeners: Did anyone tell you to "Just get over it?" 20:17 If you could go back to the beginning, what's one thing you would tell me about the pace of healing? 21:52 What Lori wished had happened. 23:36 Your silence may be costing you your peace. 24:58 Behind the Scenes -- We mentioned The Basics of Rebuilding Trust, buy it here: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

Jay explains many deception tactics he used to hide his addiction. From robotic denials to fake confusion, playing dumb to calculated outbursts, this video exposes the manipulation patterns that betrayed partners recognize but often can't prove. It also covers: -Specific moments Lori caught him using these tactics -Addicts’ delusions and brain fog -Calculated timing of confessions -Partial truths If you're a betrayed partner questioning your sanity or an addict wondering how long your tactics will work, this conversation will open your eyes. The lies addicts think are CLEVER are actually TRANSPARENT—and prolonging deception only makes healing harder for everyone. Timestamps 00:00 Intro 02:10 What tactics did you use to lie and cover up your porn use? 03:07 Minimizing is lying 04:27 Becoming re-sensitized 06:14 Ever play dumb or fake confusion to avoid getting caught? 07:05 USED THE TRUTH to make your lies more believable? 08:33 Addicts test the waters by dripping the information out 10:41 Ever knowingly PLAYED UPON MY SYMPATHIES? 12:46 Phrases or emotion did you fake to throw me off? 13:51 Robotic lines 14:32 Using anger to hide 15:53 Ever not think too hard? 17:01 The DELUSIONAL Brain Fog* 17:57 Ever used my trauma fog or MY KINDNESS against me? 18:33 Waited me out, hoping I would forget? 20:40 What tactics did we forget? Let us know in the comments. -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #betrayedwife

In this compelling episode, we tackle the challenging subject of emotional avoidance and addiction recovery. Jay opens up about his struggles with feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and boredom, which led him to turn to porn. We discuss the importance of facing these emotions head-on, rather than fleeing from them, as well as HEALTHIER coping mechanisms and the significance of accepting, rather than resisting, life's emotional challenges. We start with testimonials from listeners that underscore the impact of Jay's vulnerability and transparency in helping betrayed spouses on their recovery journeys. Highlights of this episode: - The shocking fear a 6'0" ex-military man couldn't face (this will surprise you) - Why boredom is actually dangerous and how it triggers relapse cycles - The difference between wanting to numb emotions vs. learning to feel them (game-changer) - How to tell if you're using 'recovery' to avoid real healing (most people miss this) - The #1 sign you might be addicted (hint: it's about 5-second interactions) - Practical coping techniques that actually work long-term (not just band-aids) TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Intro and Listener Feedback 04:05 Why BOREDOM is an issue for addicts 05:28 Dealing with PAST TRAUMAS 06:43 What truths were you refusing to face? 07:22 A fear Jay had not dealt with 09:20 Any truths about yourself you were afraid to face? 09:41 What did those fears feel like in your body? 11:23 Which of the feelings were THE MOST UNBEARABLE? 11:41 Did running away work? 14:16 Did you think NUMBNESS WAS A STRENGTH? 15:40 When did you first start using coping techniques to deal with those emotions? 16:31 SOLUTION: TO build RESILIENCE, ask "What bad really happens?" 18:18 What could you 'not handle'? (Expectations v. Acceptance) 22:38 3 biggest emotions you now face? 26:11 How to create LONG-TERM DOPAMINE 28:02 Behind the scenes -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

Jay opens up about the internal voice telling him to confess his porn addiction - and why he actively chose to ignore it for years. We explore: • The pattern of CALCULATED DELAY • What that "voice of truth" actually sounds like • The PERSONAL COSTS of ignoring God's promptings • The split-second decision between truth and silence • How SILENCE IS NEVER NEUTRAL • When lying feels holy If you're struggling with porn addiction, betrayal trauma, or wondering whether to come clean about your secrets, this conversation offers hope and practical insight into this crucial part of the recovery process. Timestamps 00:00 Intro 00:28 Did you ever feel like you should tell the truth? 01:39 Jay describes the VOICE OF TRUTH (hearing God) 04:36 Earlier opportunities to avoid D-Day 06:29 What did you do when the voice showed up? 08:06 On feeling unlovable 10:05 When the wife ACCEPTS THE ADDICTION 12:55 Misunderstanding about ATTRACTIVE WOMEN 15:44 HOW GOD SEES US (3 ways) 18:35 Did you think silence would keep you lovable? 21:50 Personal COSTS of ignored nudges 24:31 Silence is never neutral 28:16 Was there a question I SHOULD HAVE ASKED to make you confess? 30:28 Was there any part of this that felt holy or virtuous? (spiritual costs) -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

In this raw conversation, we expose why the lies addicts tell and the beliefs they hide behind increase betrayal trauma. Jay opens up about the shocking justifications for his deceit and the internal struggles he faced while battling addiction. We cover two ways to COMBAT THE DELUSION of 'protecting' a partner from the truth. Lori asks about the deep-seated beliefs that shaped his actions, and stay until the end in for an eye-opening conversation on spiritual values, as well as a behind the scenes (kind of funny) moment. Timestamps 00:00 Intro and Question 02:01 I don't want to get better 04:42 It became acceptable 05:17 “The beliefs that justified my lies” 09:02 Beliefs about LIFE/RELATIONSHIPS that helped him justify lying* 13:41 One more belief from his past 14:42 Solution: What is the history of the addict in your life? 16:55 "Maybe I SHOULD QUIT the thing I'm lying about?"* 18:35 Delusion and Pollyanna 20:36 Did Jay ever think the lying would cause more damage than porn. 23:58 What was the most shocking lie Jay justified? 24:53 Did SPIRITUAL/MORAL VALUES ever compete with his justifications?* 26:37 Jay’s thinking now? 27:41 The PROBLEM WITH CONFESSING all at once* 28:55 WORSE than porn 31:21 Feedback 32:06 BTS Moment involving a Bow and Arrow -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #BetrayalTrauma #HealingTrust #PornAddiction #MarriageAdvice #Confession

After 15 years of addiction, lies, and hiding, Jay finally found BROKENNESS. Not in a loud, dramatic crash, but in a quiet, rock-bottom moment where he just couldn’t keep lying about it... not to his wife, and not to himself. In this video, we unpack THE MOMENT everything shifted, the darkest time in our marriage. We also cover the exact truths that went through Jay's mind at that moment, what finally broke the cycle, and what actions keep him sober to this day. If you're stuck in addiction or trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, this conversation gets real. We name what actually changes things—not just for addicts, but for the wives of men who are ready to get serious. This was the moment that made truth livable. This was the day everything began to change. TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Intro and Question 00:43 The day Jay found BROKENNESS/hit ROCK BOTTOM 02:54 Jay's darkest moment (This really FRUSTRATES Lori) 05:33 What Jay told himself when he hit Rock Bottom 06:19 What made all the difference 08:13 Solution: If you can't leave 11:52 Addicted thinking vs Sober thinking 13:56 How Jay stays sober 15 years later* 16:08 "Those made all the difference" * 16:58 One big thing 17:57 What FREEDOM actually feels like now* 19:44 How Jay feels about himself now 21:18 How Jay has changed (from Loris POV) -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #rockbottom #truth #healing #soberlife #addiction #marriagehelp #liedtoher #pornrecovery #breakthestigma

What does real intimacy feel like after betrayal, addiction, and years of rebuilding trust? In this episode, we open up about how Jay’s ability to connect has changed over time — from fake vulnerability and performance to HONEST EMOTIONS and simple, humble presence. Jay shares how he used to seek physical intimacy to avoid emotions, and how healing has redefined what closeness feels like. We talk about the risks of being emotionally naked, the power of GIVING SACRIFICIALLY, and how intimacy now lives in the small moments we missed before. Topics we explore in this episode: – The quickest path to intimacy (hint: it's not sex) – What vulnerability really means – Giving to give vs. giving to get – Why 50/50 doesn’t fully heal relationships – Untangling emotional from physical intimacy – Presence: the real secret to connection If you’ve ever wondered what intimacy can look like after real healing — not just surviving but connecting deeply — this one is for you.   00:00 Intro and question 00:44 How Jay saw intimacy THEN vs NOW 03:38 But it's not this... 04:06 What intimacy looks like after healing the relationship 05:35 The QUICKEST way to intimacy 07:49 Giving to give vs. GIVING TO GET 09:02 Should it be 50/50? 09:55 Did Jay ‘fake it’ at church? 13:08 Qualities of vulnerability 14:53 Now intimacy 'is just there' 17:50 The main thing: Presence Leave a comment and let us know what touched you most. Subscribe for more episodes on healing from porn addiction and betrayal trauma. -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #intimacyafterbetrayal #emotionalintimacy #rebuildingtrust #vulnerabilityheals #relationshiphealing

‘I thought intimacy was just sex—until I started recovering from porn addiction.’ In this video, Jay shares how ONE POWERFUL TOOL helped him heal our relationship, create real intimacy, and start feeling connected in a way he ‘didn’t think was possible’ when healing from his porn addiction. We also bring up a caution or two, providing guidance on how to implement this tool depending on where you are in your own healing journey. Whether you're early in your journey or years into recovery, this tool might help you bridge the distance, reconnect with your spouse, and build a deeper relationship. What we’ll cover: • How porn addiction can affect intimacy • How real intimacy is built during relationship healing • THE TOOL that helped us shift everything ➤ Subscribe for more honest conversations around addiction, recovery, and emotional healing. ➤ Leave a comment: What has intimacy looked like for you in recovery? 00:00 Intro and Question 00:19 Jay’s Answer 00:30 Introducing the tool 04:21 F: Feeling 04:38 A: Acknowledge 04:58 N: Need 05:48 O: Ownership 06:29 S: Sober 06:56 Hook 07:53 Hint for addicts trying to rebuilt trust 08:40 Hook 09:25 IMPORTANT: If it's early in the process of rebuilting trust 11:41 A Warning 13:03 A way to date early on (before Phase 3) -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #PornAddictionRecovery #IntimacyAfterPorn #RewiringTheBrain #MenAndIntimacy #SobrietyJourney

In this episode of the Couple Cure Podcast, we dive into the complexities of intimacy (OUTSIDE the bedroom) when Jay was in active addiction, the challenges of seeking validation, and the impact of hidden lives on self-worth. Through personal stories, we discuss the hardships faced due to perceived inadequacies, and how addiction can distort the perception of love and intimacy. We also set the stage for further exploration of what true intimacy means as they heal together in future episodes. 00:00 Intro and Question 01:24 For Jay intimacy looked like (The Problem) 02:15 What Jay was seeking 02:50 How Lori was already giving it 05:01 The REAL reason "Lori didn't affirm me!" 06:09 Why Jay could not believe Lori's words 10:55 Some MESSED UP THINKING 17:19 Another "Intimacy" Jay was addicted to -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

Jay confesses something he’s never told anyone before: One way he lied to keep his addiction hidden. (Hint: it’s one thing some addicts do to keep their secrets.) He’s also asked if he thinks that tactic would have passed a polygraph. We also share a few techniques that might help in this situation. And stay until the end to see us in a real-life moment. Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 0:31 What is one lying technique Jay used that he’s never told anyone about? 2:15 Would he have passed a lie detector test? 2:50 Some other addicts do this too (the difference between openness and honesty) 4:48 Solution: A way to (possibly) know if he’s lying this way* 5:39 Solution: One way to get to the truth* 7:13 Solution for addicts: A way to rebuild trust (BUT…) 10:40 When Jay would use this lying technique 13:34 Business trips used to scare Lori, and two things that changed that sinking feeling 14:50 The lighter side of us (BTS) -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

In this episode, I ask Jay if he will answer some difficult question this season—questions like: --What are some tactics he used to get away with lying for so long? --How did he pretend to change--without really changing? --Was there a time he almost told the truth, but continued lying instead? --What emotions was he avoiding? --How did he feel when his accountability partners let him off the hook? --What is one thing he wants betrayed women to know? --Could he tell his heart was hardening? But the big question is: Will he reveal his secrets? (You can even leave your own questions in the comments if you’d like.) Timestamps: 00:00 Intro 01:24 Some hard questions for Jay 04:40 Will Jay share his secrets this season? 05:43 Your comments / questions 06:51 This season may be different (behind the scenes) 07:24 A request & recent happenings -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #tellingthetruth

In this, our last episode of Season 5, we address six ways to help you find out if you’ve been given the full truth / signs he might still be lying. We also cover what pressure can do to some addicts. (A big THANK YOU to everyone who submitted questions for this season. Thank you, especially, for allowing us to be a small part of your healing journey.) Timestamps: 0:00 Intro and Viewer Question 1:05 It depends on what you’re looking for 2:21 General & ACTIVE self-deception 3:32 First: Ask for details/specifics 4:07 Second: Addicts, get curious about your own thoughts and actions 4:52 Third: Did he circle back 5:11 Forth: On staying concrete 6:49 Forth: LDTs (with some cautions and side notes) 9:26 An overall caution: this makes some addicts neurotic 10:21 Opening the door for more later ("I now know enough...") 11:44 Five: Ask what he suggests 13:39 Solution: If she can't trust you 100 percent* 14:15 Six: Things Jay learned that really helped 15:30 Something special before next season -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice

In this episode of The Couple Cure, Jay tackles the question: 'How serious do I need to be about my recovery?' Using his own history and insights, he discusses the inevitable challenges and pushbacks you will face when you commit to a change, especially in the context of addiction or betrayal recovery. He emphasizes the importance of STARTING IMMEDIATELY, and understanding that obstacles will always be present. He also highlights the crucial role of certain life adjustments to stay on the path to recovery. Tune in to gain practical advice and encouragement for your own recovery journey. 00:00 Introduction & Question 00:06 Life always asks, "How serious are you?” (the first week of my diet) 01:22 The best time to quit is ALWAYS… and why 02:14 Solutions: Examples of being serious about it (for the betrayed spouse) * 03:55 The family life status quo (& other hurdles) 05:48 What needs to change? 06:29 More harm to your relationship / Expect hurdles 07:36 So how serious do you really need to be? 09:15 Solution: How to help her heal (a HUGE part of your recovery) * 10:26 If I am truly serious & final thoughts -- https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice