Everything is Always Terrible w/ Rory Parker

I enjoy screwing with phone scammers. This time I had my recording stuff at handwhen he called.

I put a lot of effort into this podcast. I was proud of it. Then I sent it to my good friend, former guest, and talented producer, Ryan Farrell. He polished it to a shine. It's the story of Junny Rio-Martinez. It is dark It is cruel. It is sad. It is the truth. I'm sorry you've listened.

Matt Warshaw is surfing's historian. He's a man who knows more about our favorite little hobby than any human alive. He's dedicated to saving its moments, preserving a rich heritage full of flawed individuals. He surfs very well, writes even better. Matt Warshaw is a man I look up to. Having him on the show has been a long time dream. I've pestered him off and on since the beginning, always hoping that something would change and force him to play along. That something was his campaign to keep the Encyclopedia of Surfing alive. A necessary fundraiser forced him to come to terms with his fear of public speaking, and I got to reap the benefits.

Episode 24 is the very talented young writer, Jake Tellkamp. Jake's a fascinating young man. Upbeat in the face of adversity, dead set on making this writing gig work. He has the talent, he's backing it up with an education, I'm sure he'll one day put me out of a job. I think I might try to get Jake to come on more often. He plays the foil so well. Understands that there is little I love more than answering questions, rather than asking. He's traveled the world. He lived with Tom fucking Curren! He followed the love of his life to San Francisco, is chasing more education. And! To top it all off, he absolutely fucking rips.

Episode 23 is newly minted editor-in-chief of Stab Magazine, Ashton Goggans. Isn't that a cool name? Try saying it. Ashton. Goggans. So much fun! Ashton is a rad guy, a talented writer, and I can't overstate how much I enjoy the direction he's taking the magazine. We talked about smoking weed, surfing longboards, wave pools, the WSL's relationship with the surf media, gay surfers, women in surfing, opioid addiction, Mailbu, and much, much more.

Episode 22 is Peter Taras! Mr Taras is a surf photography legend. He's been the photo editor of Transworld Surf, Surfing, and Surfer. His current gig is digital director of Surfer Magazine, putting his autistic tendencies to work by focusing on ones and zeros. Pete and I rambled on about the evolution of the surf media, his career as a photographer, the necessity of being playing every role possible in a creative pursuit and our respective tastes for pornography. Plus a ton of other cool stuff. Two hours worth!

Episode 21 is Justin Cote, former editor of Transworld Surf and current marketing honcho at Superbrand surfboards. Justin and I shot the shit about all manner of things. From spearfishing to fatherhood to living on an Indian reservation. We talked about balancing soft goods with hard, about the future of the WSL, about the death of print. Growing older and fatter, meeting your childhood idols, far-right beliefs, being held accountable for your speech, getting naked in front of sixteen-year-old girls and his brief tenure as a substitute teacher in Hawaii's public school system.

Episode twenty is Zach Weisberg, founder of The Inertia. In addition to running one of the world's largest surf websites, Zach is a former bouncer, alumnus of a fancy pants East Coast boarding school, and diabetic. He is also a former collegiate wrestler, which means he definitely harbors some esoteric form of herpes. We rambled on about anti-semitism, whether the surf media has a duty to report or to promote, surfing dogs, pooping your pants, the worthlessness of abstract beauty,Stephen Miller, Lunada Bay, Orange County trash, the sanctity of surfing, hedonism and the id, and a whole lot more super cool interesting stuff.

Episode 19 is Wade 'Gravy' Davis. Former editor of Australian Surfing Life, current host of 50 Fiestas, Wade's what I want in a guest. Eloquent, funny, intelligent. He has a beautiful voice. Not as beautiful as mine, but close. We talked about his new project, 50 Fiestas, the grind of travel, animal cruelty, racism, white privilege, US politics, moving into a life beyond surfing, growing up brown in Australia and a bazillion other totally rad things.

Episode 18 is Ben "Gravy" Graef. Ben is a vlogger, novelty wave pioneer, upbeat drama kid, and all around friendly dude. We talked about teenage cock and ball torture, sex work, anxiety, alcoholism, setting goals and eating defeat, sucking Slater's dick, the struggles of producing daily content, how little other people care about you, presenting a facade, being home schooled, selling a pilot and having it ripped away, and a lot of other fun stuff.

Episode seventeen brings us my favorite former ASP surfer, former World longboard champion, LGBT activist, and Carlsbad city council member, Cori Schumacher. I can't get enough of Cori. I adore our rapport, love going back and forth with a person with whom I agree on the ends, but always differ on the means. Cori and I talked about Infighting within the Democratic Party, focusing on local politics, polyamory, whether turnabout is fair play, political apathy as a response to the disgusting nature of politics, when it becomes time to shut your mouth and get in line, feminism, white privilege, and many more brilliant topics that are sure to enrage a certain portion of the population.

This episode's guest is Ryan Farrell, a longtime friend and former punk rock drummer. Ryan and I have been close for over two decades. He's a person I care about. Deeply. He's also a person whose life choices have often left me flummoxed. How does someone achieve a dream, then give it up and start again from scratch? Why would a person do that, unless it were absolutely necessary? What happens when you get exactly what you always wanted, then realize it wasn't what you wanted at all? Ryan and I talked about growing up in the South Bay in the early 90's, punk rock music, playing in an all-child band, Guttermouth, kick-punch dancing, graciously giving up your dreams, broken hearts, hate as a motivating force, existential crises, drug use, and wrapping your fingers around a moment and holding on as long as you can.

Alex Haro is a formerly homeless immigrant living under an assumed name in the Malibu Hills, where he runs a Canadian welfare state for feral raccoons and Mexican dogs. He is also the senior editor of the world's largest surf website, the inertia. Alex is charming, witty, intelligent, handsome. He's also Canadian. But no one is perfect. Alex and I spent two hours talking about long distance relationships, feral raccoon attacks, immigration, being a little bit racist, projecting an air of confidence, bullshitting your way through every aspect of your life, online stalkers, drowning kittens, the inertia, the advantages of being attractive, the time I unknowingly attempted to kill Zach Weisberg, and many, many, more fascinating topics.

Episode 14 features Australian surf journalist Nick Carroll. Nick Carroll, also known as 'Tom's brother,' is a surfing institution. He's been scribbling words about our terrible and wonderful sport for decades. As long as I've been alive, which is easy to forget because he's one of those humans who seem perpetually youthful. Frustratingly so. There's little worse than a man on the cusp of sixty who looks better than me with his shirt off. Nick and I rambled on for an hour and a half about myriad topics. I barely looked at my notes this time, something I'm finding is a hallmark of a good episode. Back and forth banter plays so much better than question/answer. Nick and I talked about the surf world's hatred of Brazilians, the WSL vanilla imperative, white privilege, gender dynamics, the female competitive drive, chasing a toxic fantasy, lying about your height, maintaining a lifelong love of surfing, surf culture, snorting coke, smoking dope, and having sex with a wide range of women.

The wonderfully entertaining Christian Fletcher interviewed by BeachGrit writer Michael Ciaramella on the topic of whether it's kosher to play hardball with mouthy grommets in the surf. A debate that also asks: who's to blame for the absurdity of participation medals and which generation is worse, Christian's (who is 45) or Michael's (23).

Episode thirteen features graphic design legend David Carson. Is there a more influential graphic designer than Mr Carson? I don't think so. He's the subject of many a college curriculum, possesses a unique, and frequently copied, personal style. He's built worldwide advertising campaigns, challenged perceptions of the purpose of typography, and been more than one writer's nightmare. We talked about his career, and how he went from being a high school teacher with a degree in sociology and no background in design into a highly respected, and insanely successful, graphic designer. We also talked about fatherhood, the cost of settling down, receiving hate mail, embracing self indulgent creativity, the golden age of magazines, zine culture, the end of print as a medium, his time at Surfer Magazine, and the inherent conservatism of surf culture.

My guest for episode twelve is Derek Levault. If you spearfish or freedive in Hawaii you most likely know his name. Derek's a high level spearo and freediver. He produces Deeper Perspectives, a top notch video series analyzing spearfishing technique and equipment. He is also the proprietor of Hi Heat wetsuits, producing amazing handmade wetsuits at prices that are somehow lower than the mass produced stuff. Derek and I spent our time talking about spearfishing, freediving, mermaids, mermen, the Scissor Sisters, wetsuit technology, static apnea, cheating within professional spearfishing tournaments. We also touched on the effects that a childhood spent moving from place to place have on others' ability to identify with you, the motivations behind a sport which is often little more than attempting suicide, meditation, and the difficulty of monetizing creative endeavors.

Episode 11 brings us Danny Johnson, art director of Surfing World and the one man show behind my favorite weekly surf content, Weak Wrap. Danny is a funny guy, a creative guy, a handsome guy. He's got a gorgeous voice, does what he loves. I hate him for it, just a little bit. But it's well outweighed by my love for him. I spent an amazing two hours chatting with Danny about all manner of things. The viability of the World Surf League, the recent changes on the Big Wave Tour. We talked about creating Weak Wrap, the stress that it causes and the fulfillment he gets from it. We yammered on about creating things meant for public consumption, Donald Trump, sex with a black girl, Portland, jealousy, open relationships, Exploding dicks, touching other people's dicks, lesbian domination porn, hydrofoil surfboards, Kelly Slater's supposedly forthcoming wave pool in Florida, fist fighting your partner, and the emotional struggles that spring from parental abandonment.

Ten Episodes in the can! Hurrah! This installment brings us another delightful chat with Cori Schumacher. We talked about her experiences as a newly minted political force, about divisions within the Democrat Party. We chatted about effective approaches to rhetoric, the consequences of playing the demagogue, and a path out of our current predicament. We also talked about the Cartel Management bankruptcy, smoking weed with my grandma, recording yourself while you're on drugs, antifa, violence, and attempting to create a dialogue during divisive times.

Episode nine brings us stand up comedian/writer/producer/late-in-life surfer, Eddie Ifft. This episode was particularly fun for me. Turns out that people who talk for a living are great guests. Who knew? Eddie and I talked about his agonizing Surfer Poll set, Donald Trump, our differing views on 'PC culture,' cheating on your wife, parenthood, group sex, smoking crack, learning to surf, surfing's near total lack of a sense of humor, and many many other interesting topics. While none of my past episodes are exactly 'clean,' this one is particularly not-safe-for-work. Probably best to listen at home, or through a pair of headphones. You can find out more about Mr Ifft's various projects at eddieifft.com