Inside Out Theory

This is a part two to my last conversation about women in leadership. Let's not miss the point. It's not about who I'm talking about it. It's about the fact that this is an experience our young dancers are happening, period. Let's not get hung up in the gossip, please. Let's instead be aware of this behaviour, and ask ourselves how we can be a part of the solution. Too many people will not actually hear what I'm really saying. But if you do hear me, and want to be a part of the solution, then let's talk about it. C x

Hello. I'm back. After a year. Here's the subtext you may require: I saw a video on Instagram of a program director and educator behaving (in my humble opinion) extremely inappropriately. It then reminded me of how many other stories I've heard of other program leaders, educators, and directors that have not taken full responsibility for the influence they have on young dancers in this industry, and caused severe destruction to countless aspiring artists with the words that they've said. I proceeded to get very fired up about the fact that these 'educators' can do so much damage and no one says a word about it because they're too afraid, and so I wrote this post and continued on to record this podcast. "I started this thought being very disappointed in Vancouver leadership. And now I'm just disappointed in leadership everywhere. And I'm really done being quiet or polite about it. Because what I actually think (and say) to others is... There are people in this industry that should not be teaching. There are people in this industry that should not be leading. And there are people in this industry that absolutely should not have any affect, say, or input on how young women think, behave, date, eat, train, see themselves, or live their lives. I don't know what's more disappointing than seeing someone that's in a position to influence others, and instead of making a positive impact, they use it for their own personal gain, whether it's popularity, ego, a following, control, a job, etc. It's irresponsible, it's incredibly disappointing, and honestly, it's embarrassing. This industry is already so f*cked. It's so hard - for EVERYONE. Even if you're constantly working, everyone has demons that they're trying to hide. Not everyone's version of success is the same, and yet we're all measuring it and comparing it like it is. There are people that should not be agents. There are people that should not be choreographers. There are people that should not ever decide who gets a job, because they probably shouldn't even have the job they have right now. It's all so f*cked. But you can make it beautiful despite the mess. You can have the time of your life if you surround yourself with good people. You can live your loudest dreams if you ignore everyone else's advice and listen to your own heart. You can experience everything you've ever dreamed despite the drama and the bullshit. Because there are people out there trying to make sense out of this chaos. There are people providing safe and powerful places to get it wrong until you get it right. Not everything has to be a fight. And for the love of god, you do NOT have to endure bullying to get to where you want to go, or become the person you want to be. YOU WERE ALREADY BORN THAT PERSON. Stop trying to be something better than YOU. YOU is the BEST THING YOU COULD EVER BE. And whoever taught you otherwise can F*CK RIGHT OFF. So to the leaders that shouldn't be leaders. And the teachers that shouldn't be teachers. And the program directors that shouldn't be running programs or shaping anyone's mind, careers, or lives: Do better. Because if you don't, I'm building a f^*cking army that's gonna take you out." C x

This has been a long time coming. It may also be my best work yet. As per usual, it's emotional, raw, and full of equal amounts of epiphanies and f-bombs. This will either make no sense, or shake you to your core. You are enough, exactly as you are. And I finally figured out how to truly believe that. Let me know what happens... C x

This one is messy.  I needed to speak through some thoughts so I could find clarity.  I didn’t have the answers, but I find them. Yes, it gets emotional.  I talk about singing, my ‘dream’ show, the fear of creating your own work, rejection, the grief that comes with growth, feeling too big or too much for this world, the need to be chosen, picking yourself, and so much more.  This is a lesson in vulnerability. Enjoy. C x

This episode is based on questions and queries that came up during one to one sessions that I just thought were too invaluable not to share.  Here are the questions we discover together, in real time: “How do I define my vision?” You’re struggling to define your vision because you’re trying to to define it, not discover it….. “How do I feel strong enough to not feel scared of success?” Your strength comes from admitting that you’re afraid… “How do I force myself to be successful?” The more you you are, the more successful you’ll feel. “How do I make creative work pay?” Not being paid doesn’t make you a failure. “To become successful feels like an uphill battle.” You’re doing a million things to distract yourself from acknowledging the fact that you’re not doing the one thing you’re meant to do. You do this so you don’t feel like you’re just ‘coasting’ through life. This is how we avoid feeling mediocre, when in reality, doing a million things instead of one thing is how we become mediocre.  Have a listen. It’s a good one. I dedicate this episode to anyone and everyone who has ever joined me for a one to one session.  C x

This episode is based on questions and queries that came up during one to one sessions that I just thought were too invaluable not to share.  Here are the questions we discover together, in real time: “I don’t feel like I’m disciplined enough to deserve getting a job, and I’m not putting in the work.” You don’t necessarily need to change what ow how you’re training, but the intention behind your training needs to change. You’re putting in the work, you may just not putting in the right work.  Please remember that we’re all participating in this industry in a different way, for different reasons, with different intentions. Which, fundamentally, will mean there are many different definitions of success. “I haven’t changed or grown enough.” You are conditionally (instead of unconditionally) loving yourself. Reward the action, not the outcome. “What did I train for? I’m afraid of wasting or running out of time.” This one is a monologue… just tune in.  Have a listen. It’s a gooder. I dedicate this episode to anyone and everyone who has ever joined me for a one to one session.  C x

This episode is based on questions and queries that came up during one to one sessions that I just thought were too invaluable not to share.  Here are the questions we discover together, in real time::  “What did I train for? I’m afraid of wasting or running out of time.” It’s important to note that you’ve all been taught the same tools, yet you’re all a very different machine… You were trained skills, but you weren’t trained on how to be you.  We fear afraid of running out of time when we’re not focusing on the right things.  If you’re afraid of wasting time, you probably are…. ooooooofff. “Who do you want to be? The one who has everything that everyone else wants, or the one that has everything you want?”  There is more than one way to win this game… “I’m lost.” You can’t be found until you’re first once lost.  Have a listen. It’s a gooder. I dedicate this to anyone and everyone who has ever joined me for a one to one.  C x

Somewhere in the midst of a rant about the power of Taylor Swift, following the first viewing of the Barbie film, came a free flowing diary entry where I discovered what it means to be free within the pursuit of true and utter fulfilment, which eventually became this episode. Honestly, strap in. Some highlights to note: Being your best isn’t consistent, which was discovered when I reflected on the journey I went on from 'needing to be the best', to 'I'll just be my best', to ‘you’re probably not at your best if you’re always at your best, because you've stopped growing'. In fact, maybe there is no best, there's just whole or not whole. I also reflect on the consistent struggle of being ‘too much’ for people, and how the fear of not being my whole self is now more terrifying than the opinions of other people, which is freeing in itself. Last but not least: “The only way to experience true, internal fulfilment, is to be full.” Chew on that one for a while (insert brain-exploding emoji here). C x

One of the best pieces of advice that I ever got was, 'They always hire the right person for the job, not necessarily the best person for the job." Nothing outside of us can heal something that was created on the inside. If it was created on the inside, it has to be healed from the inside. Therefor, nothing outside of us will ever make us feel like we’re good enough. How can I have ownership over what I already do really well? Is fulfilment a simple matter of knowing you’re the only person who could do it? Not to everyone... but I think it is to me. Your superpower is the one thing that, if discovered and practiced with ownership, will lead you to the people places and things that will provide you with the sense of fulfilment you’ve been searching for.  We often discount our superpower(s) because we’re too busy wanting something else that, at the end of the day, isn’t actually a superpower, it’s a skill. We also discount and downplay our superpowers because a superpower is natural. But because it’s so natural and easy, we don’t feel like it’s anything special because we didn’t spend out blood sweat and tears cultivating it.   The path to fulfilment is honing your superpower.  There is a lot of reflection in this episode.  This is the episode I most needed to hear, so maybe it will be similar for you too. I think fulfilment comes from being fully YOU. Your thoughts are always welcome... C x

In this episode, we speak about a new way of approaching your relationship with the thought or belief ‘I’m not good enough’. We offer a new perspective, a new way of combating this belief, which is, to simply not allow it into your thoughts at all. Completely minimise it from your thought process at all. Confused? Too good to be true? Have a listen, because I think we’ve been sold a ‘solution’ that kind of feels like fighting fire with fire…

This may be my most vulnerable episode yet. I won't say much here. Just, have a listen. A passage I wrote in NYC in March 2023... "In order to fail, you must fully commit and invest in what you're doing. I don't think it's possible to 'fail' at something you don't care about, because if you care, in theory, you're fully invested and committed to it. And if you're afraid of failing, you will be default avoid failing by not fully investing or committing. Therefor, it's impossible to 'fail' at something you don't truly care about, because the sheer act of avoiding failure makes it impossible to fail. In order to fail, you must fully commit and invest in what you're doing, and by doing that, any sort of failure should be celebrated as a bi-product of fully commitment and investment. You can't be 'the best' because we're artists, and art is subjective. Therefor, people's opinions of 'the best's is also subjective, which makes you chasing to be 'the best' futile and pointless. My acting teacher has told me time and time again to not be a transportation system. What I've realised is, the reason why it's so much easier for me to champion and cheer you on and not myself is because there's no risk. I don't run the risk of failure, you do. But I know you will succeed. It's very easy for me to know that. And what's even better (and worse) is when you do succeed, as you inevitably will, I get to feel successful, because my work helped, or rather my help worked." C x

After another rant about Imposter Syndrome, "The one thing that makes you 'think' you’re an imposter is the one thing that fundamentally makes you not," we continue on with our discussion on jealousy and how it comes to rear its ugly head.  I believe that we’re only jealous of the things that deep down we don’t believe we can do, achieve, or deserve to have. Because of this, jealousy is a gift. It’s a flashing light, an arrow, a sign that's trying to make you aware of something that you’re not believing in within yourself, or you’re not giving yourself permission to want because you don’t believe you’re good enough to have it. It’s highlighting a blind spot in your subconscious mind. Jealousy is only created when we think that we can’t have what 'they' have. The truth is, you can have all the things you want, you just have to be willing to change the way you think.  You change the way you think, you change your life.

In this episode, I speak about and share why I feel it's necessary to normalise celebrating our f*cking wins. I've made a ten point list as to why I believe it's important for us all to celebrate our wins. 1) We don’t do it enough. You’ve been taught to downplay your wins in order to make others feel better and it doesn’t work. You’ve now shrunk and they still feel like shit.  2) Lead proudly by example and own your fucking wins. Show people what is possible when they show up. 3) You give others permission to do the same. Even better, you remind others to give themselves permission. They don’t need your permission, they just need their own.  4) You fought through resistance, worked your ass off, and didn’t give up. Yeah, I’ll celebrate that.  5) You remind people what’s possible with belief, implementation, and consistency.  6) You normalise self-honour, self-mastery, and self-respect. You break the perception of arrogance vs confidence. You practice self-validation instead of external-validation.  7) You break the habit of playing small to protect others, which is the worst kind of protection of all. 8) You remind people that jealousy is a gift. If they’re jealous of what you have, that feeling of jealousy has just gifted them with the clarity of knowing what they want and what is standing in their way, which is their own beliefs.  9) We all want to feel seen. Celebrate your wins and make yourself feel seen.  10) If I can’t be happy for your wins, that’s on me. I’ve got some work to do. 

In this episode, we talk about our definition of ‘talented’ and how our educational upbringing can either help us excel or shrink when it comes to working on our natural abilities alongside all other skills.  Christie says, "I wish I was championed and celebrated for the natural talents that I did have, and empowered to work hard at the things I wasn’t. Instead, I was shamed for the things I wasn’t naturally good at, because I wasn’t good at the same things that ‘everyone else’ in my class or group was good at." Just because you’re not talented at the same thing as everyone else in your classroom, doesn’t mean you’re not talented. If we were to be celebrated for the things we are good at and inspired to invest in the things we aren't as naturally good at, imagine where that could take us. Imagine the type of mindset we could have, the things we could do, and the person we could be. We’re not naturally gifted at everything. I was never taught that it could be safe to not be good at something. 'Not good' always equalled rejection of some form. But we are all good at many (different) things, and we need to make every natural skill or ability of equal importance. Every skill and talent you have is of equal importance to the talent and skills of another. They are of equal value, and you are of equal value. Educators: Please understand the responsibility that comes with leading a room. People are paying you to receive an education. They are investing in you, and because of the subconscious belief that comes from the separation of 'teacher vs student' mentality, they are all by default already assuming that everything you say is 'correct'. Challenge their minds yes, but encourage them to think for themselves. When you speak, they are listening. You are holding people’s minds in the palm of your hands, and people’s minds dictate everything. Do not fuck with people’s minds… please. Moral: Every type of talent is of equal value. My god are you fucking talented. It’s time you own that.

This episode holds some of my most powerful epiphanies ever; a must listen if you are no stranger to self sabotage! I dedicate this episode to the Universal Members of House Of Jazz Company. Today's Theme: Protection & The Definition of Imposter Syndrome. "If we know the recipe, we can change the recipe." Listen to this episode if you have a hard time dreaming or believing in yourself, or if either of these experiences make you feel unsafe. Imposter Syndrome = Protection. When you experience trauma, your mind, body, and heart remember it, and your mind’s job is to keep you safe. Trauma (of course) is unsafe, so your mind is going to remember all trauma and go ‘I’m going to make sure we never experience that again’. This is my definition of Self-Sabotage. Upon experiencing any sort of trauma, your mind’s perception is going to be incredibly biased. It's now going to perceive almost anything even remotely close to your previously traumatic or unsafe experience as unsafe or dangerous (a threat). Self-Sabotage effectively ruins the potential of a positive experience to escape the risk of the fact that it could become negative experience (as it once was). We are adding meaning to everything, and usually the wrong meanings, when those meanings are not there. Self-Sabotage is protection, because your mind is so determined to make sure you never feel the way you once felt, that it will run the risk of sabotaging something potentially beautiful and healthy just in case one day it’s not. Unfortunately, the experience that was traumatic for us in the first place was never about us, so in a lot of ways, the trauma that was created was manifested because of the misplacement of meaning that we attach to these experiences. Criticism was once unsafe, which is why we’re so ready to accept criticism, because it makes hearing it 'safe'. Those that don’t know how to take a compliment don’t feel safe believing in themselves. In order to curb and heal Self-Sabotage, no only do we need to recognise that its a form of protection, we need to recognise that the experience it originated from never had anything to do with us in the first place. We must dare to heal on an emotional level, not just a mental, rational, or logical level. Self-Sabotage is the ineffective proposed solution to past trauma. Self-Sabotage is the right intention; wrong action. Its intention is to protect you, its action ruins everything in its path. "If you teach me that I can’t, I will spend the rest of my life believing that I can’t, even when I can. If you teach me that I can, I will spend the rest of my life believing that I can, and that will be the reason that I do."

In this episode, after thirty-eight years, I have uncovered the root of my biggest, loudest, deepest-rooted limiting belief: "I am never chosen." First of all, always listen to your intuition. No one knows you better than you know yourself. I’ve always known that there was still something in the root of my subconscious that was getting in the way of me being my fullest self. I’ve known since I was fifteen years old that I was getting in my own way, that self-sabotage was consistently rearing its ugly head, and that my confidence, mental health, and ability to show up and deliver what I knew I was truly capable of was sorely affected. Then the universe slapped me in the face. This massive self-evolutionary epiphany came to me amidst feeling like a complete and utter failure. My system shut down, but sometimes, if you’re truly present and open to accepting your wave of emotions, you'll be able to hear the truth. I have spent my entire life feeling like I am never chosen because of the actions of a very insecure twenty-six year old man, and for the first time, that experience was separate from my own self worth. I had decided that this experience of abandonment at such a fundamental age ‘meant’ that I was unworthy, unloveable, never chosen, that something was wrong with me, etc. I had decided those things, but it never meant any of those things. All this experience meant was that this particular insecure twenty-six year old man that wasn’t ready to be a father. It wasn't about me. It was never about me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. Then came my second epiphany: the definition of 'talent'. We only seem to celebrate the things that we work hard at and therefore eventually achieve. We never seem to celebrate the things that come natural to us, as in... the things we’re talented at. I then realised that I have never felt talented because I’ve downplayed every single natural gift I’ve ever had, and to me, the definition of talent = natural ability.  And that leads me once again to the definition of success.  We've been taught to want what everyone else wants, and no one has taken the time to teach us how to discover what it is we truly want, or taught us the confidence to want what nobody else wants. We all want to make that post on Instagram, to share our accomplishments on social media, to gain that external validation, because we've been taught to want what everyone else wants because that’s what (we think) makes us feel successful. But it doesn’t. In this episode, I opened pandora’s box, and I set myself free. I moved the last boulder. Other thoughts include... There is nothing more powerful than consistency. You have the biggest impact when you’re trying not to make an impact. No one knows what you need or what you can do more than you do. And for the love of god, celebrate your natural gifts. YOU ARE TALENTED. C x

Lately, I’ve been challenged with feeling like I owe people time, which is one of my biggest triggers that lead me to overwhelm and anxiety. I allow people to make me feel like I owe them my time. How do you tell someone you don’t want to give them your time? "I don’t have time," isn’t an excuse. It simply means that I’m not prioritising you. I want the freedom to make my own choices… but without controversy, which is not possible. So here was the breakthrough: This particular friend was challenging a boundary I was too afraid to make. It’s become excruciating to spend time doing things I don’t want to do. I’m so hyper aware (from a place of abundance) how much my time is so precious. Spending time doing things you don’t want to do is Self Sabotage 101. I've accessed Self Accountability on this subject, which means I'm not going to do things I don't want to do, but I still feel bad about it, which means I haven't quite accessed Self Reliability, which would be choosing to spend my time guilt free. Where I'm at: I’m prioritising myself, but I’m feeling guilty about it. So my new mantra is, "I am choosing how to spend my time guilt free." You can’t choose their reaction, you can only choose your action. If you’re proud of your choice, your action, how you choose to communicate, stand by your intention, and listen to the needs of your soul.  Don’t allow people to trick you into thinking that you’re that important. You’re not (immediate family and romantic relationships aside).  Just because my love languages within friendships are different, doesn’t mean I have to change. Boundaries are a beautiful thing; they are made to honour the upmost respect of both parties involved. This episode experienced some technical difficulties, but it was too organic to recreate - I hope you enjoy it! What do you think?

Let's talk about self-.forgiveness.  What started out as a definition of the practice of self-forgiveness quickly evolved (as it does here at the Inside Out Theory) to so many other things. Let's take lying as our example. When you’re trying to break a negative habit, you want to practice healthy self-forgiveness when you observe yourself caught in the act. The act of self-forgiveness is in the middle of what we call 'unnecessary suffering' and 'denial'. Practicing acceptance of what is negates the need to create unnecessary suffering (what it should be instead of what it is). Let's explain this a different way... Living in the 'is world' is practising acceptance (internal peace). Living in the 'should world' is practicing denial (internal suffering). When you’re practicing self-forgiveness in its truest form, you are accepting your actions for what they are ('is world'). This doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. This is now where the self-forgiveness practice begins. Allow yourself to feel the pain that you made that choice (strength). That pain is so much more real than the unnecessary suffering created from living in the 'should world'. It’s fully accepting that you made a choice that you didn’t want to make, and allowing yourself to feel the repercussions of making that choice, the pain from the choice, not from ego (unnecessary suffering) or denial.  If I were to draw a diagram, straight to the left of self-forgiveness is self-denial, i.e the 'isn’t world' (neither 'is' or 'should world'). Straight to the right is the should world, i.e taking the pain and amplifying it to unnecessary suffering because you feel like you deserve it. Self-forgiveness sounds like this: "I’m not proud of this choice. I feel the pain from making this choice. I don’t want to feel this way again. I am going to practice self-acceptance and self-compassion, understanding that I’m on a journey to break a habit and that doesn’t happen overnight. If I can fully accept that I chose poorly today, I can choose wisely tomorrow." If you’re addicted to the suffering of the 'should world', you won’t be able to ever make a different choice. When you practice self-forgiveness, you’re re-teaching yourself how to be self-accountable. If you transition into the 'should world', you’re putting yourself back in self-recovery. Practicing self-reliability comes from practicing self-accountability (wait for it) consistently.  What do you think?

It's not the thing. It's what the thing means about us. We’re not afraid of professional rejection, we’re afraid of what the rejection means about us, i.e: we're not good enough. We're not afraid of romantic rejection, we’re afraid of what the rejection means about us, i.e: we're not loveable. We're so busy trying to escape rejection because of how much it hurts (because we don't understand why it hurts so much), that we're holding ourselves back and robbing ourselves daily of constant opportunity.  We’re trying to change the wrong thing! Don’t not go to that audition. Change what rejection means about you and free yourself from the fear of rejection itself.  The next time you feel that pain of rejection, ask yourself this: What does this experience 'mean' about me? Then you take that belief, and you throw it in the trash. 

In this second revelation on overthinking, Christie opens up about her relationship with men. Because of childhood trauma situated around her father and the lack of his presence in her upbringing, she finds herself often being triggered into an overthinking spiral based on the adopted belief that she is unlovable. However, this time she was able to discover something new. She discovered that a mindset tool she already had could be used two different ways.  Your ego likes to use fear as a tool, and your mind will always give you a list of all the reasons why something won’t work when you entertain acting outside of your comfort zone. It's during this time that we forget to show up for our soul, and remind ourselves of all the things that could go right. To shift this mindset, Christie challenges herself (and you) to build a loving relationship with your mind, fear, and most importantly, your ego. Using an impulsive metaphor of a prosecuting attorney vs a defence attorney, she guides us through a new way of combating overthinking.