It's Just Me

I hurt my loves. I always have. If I keep going, I always will. It’s not the physical or brash type of hurt, it’s much worse than that. It’s the deep one. When they are vulnerable, sad or just feeling weak, I prey on them. I absorb all their anger, seemingly willing to listen, to be there. I can do it for days, weeks and even months. Yet at one point, when they are least expecting, I find an excuse to abandon them emotionally and throw it all back. When they least expect it, I turn on them - I find some altruistic excuse to emotionally abandon them and twist their logic to diminish them - to make them feel small - to make them feel pathetic. I use my power to hurt them, to beat them with my words, my emotions.

Episode 1P3

Throughout my life I have been so filled with fear of public rejection - since I was 13 or so I knew that the world and all those I will and won’t meet are important to me.

Episode 1P2

Throughout my life I have been so filled with fear of public rejection - since I was 13 or so I knew that the world and all those I will and won’t meet are important to me. It was Big Mischa who reminded me as we were walking in High Park looking to roast some hot dogs on the way to school - who do you think you are to try to help everyone - or at least that’s what I took from it. So I labored on my self - my ego - my monster - to remove expectations, love myself, my family and my children better - even to love and work in love in my professional life. The result was that I received and handled so much anger - almost every day I let the anger come at me and have learned to return it with love as much as I can. Today I face the public again and their judgements and anger - my fear is high as this is always what I am the most afraid of - why I have been shying away from public life - why I have been preparing but rarely doing when its come to coming out to the public. Today, I want to start anew, to embrace the anger, fears, expectations and anxiety of the public - to make myself whole with the people I love so much…

Episode 1P1

This is me. There’s no filter here. At least none that I’m aware of. These are my thoughts on the world as I’ve come to see it in the last half a century. If you wish, take a gander to see if they may spark some new ideas of you. Since I was thirteen, I have been challenging what I perceive as society’s norms - the established thoughts on life, the universe and everything. I’ve been fortunate to be exposed to so many wonderful cultures, beliefs and ideals. Everyone of them has taught me something new about myself, what I am doing here and my place in the world. The journey is still on going and I will likely never reach the end of my quest for truth. These pondering thoughts are merely snapshots of where I am today. Hope they provide some insight on whatever you are going through. Thank you for taking the time to listen.

Episode 0

This is me. There’s no filter here. At least none that I’m aware of. These are my thoughts on the world as I’ve come to see it in the last half a century. If you wish, take a gander to see if they may spark some new ideas of you. Since I was thirteen, I have been challenging what I perceive as society’s norms - the established thoughts on life, the universe and everything. I’ve been fortunate to be exposed to so many wonderful cultures, beliefs and ideals. Everyone of them has taught me something new about myself, what I am doing here and my place in the world. The journey is still on going and I will likely never reach the end of my quest for truth. These pondering thoughts are merely snapshots of where I am today. Hope they provide some insight on whatever you are going through. Thank you for taking the time to listen.