Little Shop Of Horrors (OBC1982)

RONETTE Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed Similar events in cities across America. Events which bore a striking resemblance To the ones you have just seen- began occurring... GIRLS Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed, Unsuspecting jerks from Maine to California Made the acquaintance of a new breed of flytrap And got sweet-talked into feeding it blood... Thus the plants worked their terrible will, Finding jerks who would feed them their fill and the plants proceeded to grow... and grow... And begin what they came here to do, Which was essentially to Eat Cleveland! and Des Moines! and Peoria! and New York! And this theatre... DEAD FACES They may offer you fortune and fame Love and money and instant acclaim But whatever they offer you, Don't feed the plants! DEAD MUSHNIK They may offer you lots of cheap thrills DEAD SEYMOUR Fancy condos in Beverly Hills DEAD ORIN But whatever they offer you, DEAD AUDREY Don't feed the plants! DEAD FACES AND GIRLS Lookout! Here comes Audrey Two! Look out! AUDREY II Here I come for you... DEAD MUSHNIK Here I come for you DEAD SEYMOUR Here I come for you DEAD AUDREY Here i come for you... DEAD FACES AND GIRLS Hold your hat and hang onto your soul! Somethin's comin' to eat the world whole! If we fight it, we still got a chance. But whatever they offer you- Tho' they're sloppin' the trough for you- Please, whatever they offer you, Don't feed the plants... DEAD AUDREY AND SEYMOUR We'll have tomorrow! DEAD FACES AND GIRLS Don't feed the pla--a--ants! AUDREY II (Laughing)

AUDREY I couldn't sleep I took a Sominex But voices in my head kept saying Go to Seymour, talk to Seymour I drank some tea But gee the feeling wasn't gone Seymour, sweetheart Tell me, darling What's been going on? AUDREY II Hey little lady, hello You're lookin' cute as can be You're lookin' mighty sweet No, it ain't Seymour- it's me! You're friendly Audrey Two This plant is talking to you Come on and give me a drink Hey, little lady, be nice Sure do, I'll drink it straight Don't need no glass or no ice Don't need no twist of lime And now it's suppertime!

BERNSTEIN Hey Seymour Krelborn, you prince you My name is Bernstein, I'm with N.B.C. I came down here to convince you To do a weekly T.V. show for me Seymour Krelborn's Gardening Tips For half and hour on Saturday's at four T.V.'s first home-gardeing program You'll make a mint and our ratings will soar CHORUS [Girls]: They say the meek shall inherit You know the book doesn't lie It's not a question of merit It's not demand and supply They say the meek gonna get it And you a meek little guy You know the meek are gonna get What's comin' to 'em by and by SKIP SNIP Forget the cable we sent you It's nice to meet you, the pleasure is yours Now let my firm represent you We want to book you on lecturing tours College campus, Rotary Club The kind of bookings my office can do Show the plant, then talk, answer questions It's educational, lucrative too SEYMOUR Mys future's starting, I've got to let it Stick with that plant and gee My bank account will thrive What am I saying? No way! Forget it! it's much too dangerous to keep the plant alive I take these offers, That means more killing Who knew success would come with Messy, nasty strings? I sign these contracts That means I'm willing to keep on doing bloody, awful, evil things! No! No! There's only so far you can bend No! No! This nightmare must come to an end No! No! You've got no alternative Seymour old boy Though it means you'll be broke again and unemployed it's the only solution, It can't be avoided- The vegetable must be destroyed! But then there's Audrey, lovely Audrey If life were tawdry and impoverished as before she might not like me, she might not want me Without my plant, she might not love me anymore GIRLS They say the meek shall inherit You know the book doesn't lie It's not a question of merit It's not demand and supply You'll make a fortune, we swear it if on this fact you rely You know the meek are gonna get What's comin' to 'em By and by

AUDREY II He's got your number now He knows just what you've done You've got no place to hide, You've got nowhere to run He knows your life of crime I think it's suppertime He's got his facts all straight You know he's on your trail He's gonna turn you in They're gonna put you in jail He's got the goods and I'm All set for suppertime Come on, come on, Think about all those offers Come on, come on, Your future with Audrey Come on, come on, Ain't no time to turn squeamish Come on, I swear on all my spores, When he's gone the world will be yours, yours CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON Come on, come on. Come on, come on. Come on, come on. It's suppertime. It's suppertime.

SEYMOUR Lift up your head Wash off your mascara Here, take my Kleenex Wipe that lipstick away Show me your face, clean as the mornin' I know things were bad, but now they're okay Suddenly Seymour is standin' beside you You don't need no makeup, don't have to pretend Suddenly Seymour is here to provide you Sweet understanding Seymour's your friend AUDREY Nobody ever treated me kindly Daddy left early Mama was poor I'd meet a man and I'd follow him blindly He'd snap his fingers Me, I'd say "sure." Suddenly Seymour is standin' beside me He don't give me orders He don't condescend Suddenly Seymour is here to provide me Sweet understanding Seymour's my friend SEYMOUR Tell me this feelin'll last till forever Tell me the bad times are clean washed away AUDREY Please understand that it's still strange and fright'nin' For losers like I've been it's so hard to say SEYMOUR AUDREY COMPANY Suddenly Seymour, He purified you Suddenly Seymour Yes, you can Learn how to be more The girl that's inside you With sweet understanding, With sweet understanding, With sweet understanding, Seymour's my/your man

SEYMOUR, AUDREY, MUSHNIK We're closed for renovation For spiffing-up and grooming 'Cause customers are flocking And business has been booming We need refrigeration In our new, improved display So we're closed for removation Today We're closed for decoration 'Cause fortune has been smiling So now we're due for painting New plumbing and re-tiling We'll make a ship-shape showplace Of a little shop and then Tomorrow we'll be open Again We're closed for renovation For swabbing-down and brooming 'Cause business has been thriving Since Audrey Two's been blooming The phones have not stopped ringing With the customers who say SEYMOUR Another bunch of peonies AUDREY Another dozen daisies please SEYMOUR Geraniums, anemones AUDREY Forget-me-nots and fleur-de-lis MUSHNIK With gratis home deliveries SEYMOUR, AUDREY, MUSHNIK On paid-in-fulls and C.O.D.'s We're closed for renovation Today!

SEYMOUR Now, do it now While he's gassing himself to a palpable stupor The timing's ideal and the moment is super To ready and fire and blow the sick bastard away Now, do it now Just a flicker of pressure right here on the trigger And Audrey won't have to put up that pig for another day Now- for the girl, now- for the plant Now- yes I will... but I can't ORIN Don't be fooled if I should giggle Like a sappy, happy dope It's just the gas, it's got me high But don't let that fact deceive you Any moment I could die Though I giggle and I chortle, Bear in mind I'm not immortal Why this whole thing strikes me funny I don't know- 'cause it really is a rotten way to go SEYMOUR What we have here is an ethical dilemma 'Less I help him get the mask removed, He doesn't have a prayer True the gun as never fired, But the way events transpired, I could finish him with simple laissez faire What we have here is a tricky moral problem Do I help remove the mask, or let him go for lack of air? Couldn't shoot him when I tried, but the fates are on my side I can off the guy by staying in the chair... ORIN Don't be fooled if I should chuckle Like hyenas in a zoo It's just the gas, it turns me on But don't let my mirth deceive you Any moment I'll be gone All my vital signs are failing 'Cause the oxide I'm inhaling Makes it difficult as hell to catch my breath Are you dumb or hard of hearing? Or relieved my end is nearing? Are you satisfied? I laughed myself to... SEYMOUR Death

AUDREY II Feed me! Feed me! Feed me! Feed me, Seymour Feed me all night long That's right, boy You can do it Feed me, Seymour Feed me all night long 'Cause if you feed me, Seymour I can grow up big and strong Would you like a Cadillac car? Or a guest shot on Jack Paar? How about a date with Hedy Lamarr? You gonna git it. Would you like to be a big wheel, Dinin' out for every meal? I'm the plant that can make it all real You gonna git it I'm your genie, I'm your friend I'm your willing slave Take a chance, just feed me and You know the kinda eats, The kinda red hot treats The kinda sticky licky sweets I crave Come on, Seymour, don't be a putz Trust me and your life will surely rival King Tut's Show a little 'nitiative, work up the guts And you'll git it SEYMOUR I don't know. I don't know I have so, so many strong reservations Should I go and perform mutilations? AUDREY II Think about a room at the Ritz Wrapped in velvet, covered in glitz A little nookie gonna clean up your zits And you'll git it SEYMOUR Gee I'd like a Harley machine, Toolin' around like I was James Dean, Makin' all the guys on the corner turn green AUDREY II So go git it If you wanna be profound And you really gotta justify Take a breath and look around A lot of folks deserve to die SEYMOUR, AUDREY II If you want a rationale It isn't very hard to see Stop and think it over, pal The guy sure looks like plant food to me. SEYMOUR He's so nasty, treatin' her rough, AUDREY II Smackin' her around and always talkin' so tough. SEYMOUR, AUDREY II You (I) need blood and he's got more than enough AUDREY II So go git it!

AUDREY I know Seymour's the greatest But I'm dating a semi-sadist. So I've got a black eye And my arm's in a cast. Still, that Seymour's a cutie. Well, if not, he's got inner beauty. And I dream of a place Where we could be together at last- CRYSTAL What kind of place is that, honey? An emergency room? AUDREY Oh no. It's just a daydream of mine. A little development I dream of. Just off the Interstate. Nothing fancy like Levittown. Just a little street in a little suburb, far far from Urban Skid Row. The sweetest, greenest place- where everybody has the same little lawn out front and the same little flagstone patio out back. And all the houses are so neat and pretty... 'Cause they all look just alike. Oh, I dream about it all the time. Just me. And the toaster. And a sweet little guy. Like Seymour- ((Back to singing)) A matchbox of our own A fence of real chain link A grill out on the patio Disposal in the sink A washer and a dryer and an ironing machine In a tract house that we share Somewhere that's green He rakes and trims the grass He loves to mow and weed I cook like Betty Crocker And I look like Donna Reed There's plastic on the furniture To keep it neat and clean In the Pine-Sol scented air, Somewhere that's green Between our frozen dinner And our bed-time: nine-fifteen We snuggle watching Lucy On our big, enormous Twelve-inch screen I'm his December Bride He's father, he knows best Our kids watch Howdy Doody As the sun sets in the west A picture out of Better Homes and Gardens Magazine Far from Skid Row I dream we'll go somewhere that's... green

ORIN When I was younger, just a bad little kid, My mama noticed funny things I did, Like shootin' puppies with a B B gun I'd poison guppies, and when I was done I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head That's when my mama said CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON What did she say? ORIN She said, "My boy, I think someday You'll find a way To make your natural tendencies pay You'll be a dentist You have a talent for causin' things pain Son, be a dentist People will pay you to be inhumane Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood And teaching would suit you still less Son, be a dentist You'll be a success CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON Here he is, folks the leader of the plaque! Watch him suck up that gas! Oh, my god! He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade? PATIENT Oh that hurts! I'm not numb! ORIN Oh, shut up. Open wide. here I come! I am your dentist PATIENT Goodness gracious! ORIN And I enjoy the career that I picked CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON Really love it ORIN I am your dentist PATIENT Fitting braces ORIN And I get off on the pain I inflict CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON Really love it ORIN I thrill when I drill a bicuspid CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON Bicuspid ORIN It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted And though it may cause my patients distress, Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me Oh, mama 'Cause I'm a dentist and a success Say ah! PATIENT Ah! ORIN Say ah! PATIENT Ah! ORIN Say ah! PATIENT Ah! ORIN Now spit!

MUSHNIK How would you like to be my son? How would you like to be my own adopted boy? (I never liked him much before, But count the cash that's in the drawer I've got no choice- I'm much too poor) Say yes SEYMOUR What for? MUSHNIK Seymour I want to be your dad I'll gladly treat you Like my blood and my own flesh SEYMOUR Like Ozzie Nelson, Dave and Rick? MUSHNIK Like Honey Fitz and take your pick SEYMOUR Then kiss me quick, I'll be your son MUSHNIK Dont' make me sick, just be my son MUSHNIK & SEYMOUR Mushnik & Son sounds great Three words with the ring of fate MUSHNIK So say you'll incorporate with me A florist's dream come true Mushnik and his boychik, you- What business we'll do for F.T.D. MUSHNIK & SEYMOUR Like Andy Hardy and the Judge Like Zeus and Mercury Like Dumas Fils and Pere SEYMOUR In trouble sickness and in wealth MUSHNIK We'll share the plant and share the wealth I'll call my lawyer SEYMOUR Call me son MUSHNIK & SEYMOUR Mushnik & Son, that's that SEYMOUR Officially I'm your brat MUSHNIK & SEYMOUR Consider the matter closed and done Now to the world let's stick Our Senior and Junior shtick SEYMOUR Through thin and through thick MUSHNIK Through sloppy and slick MUSHNIK & SEYMOUR Through kiss and through kick Mushnik & Son!

SEYMOUR I can't believe it! It couldn't be happening! Pinch me girls! It couldn't be happening! All of a sudden success coming out of the blue! I put a sign up Right in the front window An advertisement Right in the front window Stop in and see the amazing new plant "Audrey II" And the really remarkable thing is that people they do Seymour, that twerp of a clutz, Finally did something right Audrey II drives him nuts What a blessing this wonderful plant should exist And should rake in the bucks for me hand over fist! "How'd I do?" "Who'da believed it? CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON One day he pushed a broom Nothing in his news but gloom And doom Then he lit a fuse and give hime room Stand aside and watch that Mothah blow Explosion! Bang! Kerboom! Don't it go to show ya never know? Seymour was in a funk He was number zero Whod'a thunk he'd become a hero? Just a punk, he was a forgotten so-and-so Then one day- Crash! Kerplunk! Don't it go to show ya never know? RONETTE All the world used to screw him Biff-wham-pow! Now the interview him And they clamor to put his remarks On the air All the worls used to hate him Now they're startin' t'appreciate him All becuase of that strange little plant Over there CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON Observe him! Here's a chap Everything is landing in his lap SEYMOUR I just cut my hand and in a snap Something out of Edgar Allen Poe has happened SEYMOUR, CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON Zam! Kazap! Don't it go to show ya never know? One day you're slinging hash Feeling so rejected Lightning flash, you get resurrected Make a splash- now you rate the big Bravissimo And with a thundercrash- Crash kerplunk, bam kerboom Zang kazunk, zam kazoom Zowee powee holy cow he Ordered up a rainbow to go Wow! Pow! Lookout below! Don't it go to show ya never know?

SEYMOUR I've given you sunshine I've given you dirt. You've given me nothing But heartache and hurt. I'm beggin' you sweetly. I'm down on my knees. Oh, please-grow for me! I've given you plant food And water to sip. I've given you potash. You've given me zip. Oh God, how I mist you Oh pod, how you tease Now, please-grow for me! I've given you southern exposure To get you to thrive. I've pinched you back hard, Like I'm s'posed ta. You're barely alive. I've tried you at levels of moisture From desert to mud. I've given you grow-lights And mineral supplements. What do you want from me blood? (Spoken) Ouch! Damn roses. Damn thorns. (Sucks on finger, plant makes sucking noises) You opened up! (Sung) I've given you sunlight. I've given you rain. Looks like you're not happy, 'Less I open a vein. I'll give you a few drops If that'll appease. Now please-oh please-grow for me!

SEYMOUR Da-doo, I was walkin' in the wholesale flower district that day Shoop da-doo, and I passed by this place where this old Chinese man Chang da-doo he sometimes sells me weird and exotic cuttings, Snip da-doo, 'cause he knows, you see, that strange plants are my hobby. Da da da da da da-doo. He didn't have anything unusual there that day. Nope, da-doo, so I was just about to, ya know, walk on by, Good for you, when suddenly, Da doo and without warning, there was this total eclipse of the sun. It got very dark and there was this strange sound like something from another world. Da-doo, And when the light came back this weird plant was just sitting there, whoop-see-doo just, you know, stuck in, among the zinnias. Audrey Two. I coulda sworn it hadn't been there before, but the old Chinese man sold it to me anyways, for a dollar ninety-five. Sha la la, la la la, la la la loo.

Alarm goes off at seven And you start uptown. You put in your eight hours For the powers that have always been. Till it's five P.M. BUM 1 Then You go COMPANY Downtown Where the folks are broke. Downtown Where your life's a joke. Downtown When you buy your token, you go Home to skid row. BUM 2 Yes, you go COMPANY Downtown Where the cabs don't stop Downtown Where the food is slop Downtown Where the hop-heads flop in the snow Down on Skid Row Uptown you cater to a million jerks. Uptown you're messengers and mailroom clerks eating all your lunches at the hot dog carts. The bosses take your money And they break your hearts. Uptown you cater to a million whores. You disinfect terrazzo on their bathroom floors. Your morning's tribulation, afternoon's a curse And five o'clock is even worse BUM 3 That's when you go COMPANY AUDREY Downtown Where the guys are drips. Downtown Where they rip your slips. Downtown Where relationships are no go. Down on skid row Down on skid row Down on skid row Down on skid row Down on skid row Down on skid row Down on skid row! Down on skid row! SEYMOUR Poor! All my life I've always been poor. I keep asking God what I'm for, and he tells me "Gee, I'm not sure sweep that floor, kid." Oh, I started life as an orphan, a child of the street Here on skid row. He took me in, gave me shelter, a bed, Crust of bread and a job Treats me like dirt, calls me a slob, Which I am. COMPANY So I live Downtown That's your home address. Ya live Downtown When your life's a mess. Ya live Downtown Where depressions' jes' Status Quo. Down on skid row Someone show me a way to get outa here, 'cause I constantly pray I'll get outa here Please, won't somebody say I'll get outa here Someone gimme my shot or I'll rot here. COMPANY SEYMOUR & AUDREY Downtown There's no rules for us. Downtown 'Cause it's dangerous. Downtown Where the rainbow's jus a no-show Downtown Where the sun don't Downtown Past the bottom line Downtown Go ask any wino, he'll know I'll do I dunno what to get outa skid Downtown But a hell of a lot to get outa skid Downtown People tell me there's not a way outa skid Downtown But believe me I gotta get outa skid ALL Row!

On the twenty-third day of the month of September in an early year of a decade not too long before our own, the human race suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence. And this terrifying enemy surfaced, as such enemies often do, in the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places. [CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON] Little shop, little shoppa horrors. Little shop, little shoppa terror. Call a cop. Little shoppa horrors. No, oh, oh, no-oh! Little shop, little shoppa horrors. Bop sh'bop, little shoppa terror. Watch 'em drop! Little shoppa horrors. No, oh, oh, no-oh! Shing-a-ling, what a creepy thing to be happening! Shang-a-lang, feel the sturm and drang in the air. Sha-la-la, stop right where you are. Don't you move a thing. You better (tellin' you, you better) Tell your mama somethin's gonna get her She better (ev'rybody better) Beware! Little shop, little shoppa horrors. Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop the terror. Little shop, little shoppa horrors. No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!