Love School For Nerds - Love Advice Done Right!

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who has met someone at her job and cheated with him while being married. She is working to mend her current marriage, but is it really worth it? Take a listen and find out what Jay and Abiola think.

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who has been cheated on by her husband. She wants to make it work but the mother of the child that was made from the affair isn't making it simple. She wants to know whether she will ever get over this and can they truly move past this level of betrayal.

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a man who is trying to spice things up in the bedroom with his wife of 17 years. He is frustrated with initiating and be romantic with little to no reciprocity. Check out what Jay and Abiola have to say about this. Original Letter: I've been with my wife for over 17 years, in the beginning our sex life was room to room, position to position earth shattering. I'm a romantic who leaves notes, gifts and sexy messages. She's not. I'm 43 and my wife is 51. For the past few years our sex life has dropped. Going from two times a week to three times a month is irritating. I'm the primary one who initiates sex and I constantly wait for response to have sex or when we are having sex waiting for response of pleasure. I ask my wife what is wrong and she says nothing is wrong and that she is just shy. Help!!! I'm losing focus and have urges.

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who seems to be in a no win relationship with her husband. Issues of trust, respect, and getting along with family members are looming large. Check out what Jay and Abiola have to say about this. Original Letter: Dear Abiola and Jay, Is it me? Or is it him? We met and later got married 12 months after, he had a fallout with my parents because he said my mother called him the devil, plus many other things but I keep telling him that she was just giving a testimony in service and that she was generally speaking. They don’t get along, I get along with his family, which is ok for him, but not for me, he helps my brother out and my sister loves him, but he has no relationship with my mother and that bothers me. He says I should be more focused on the family I am making now with him other than worry about the relationship I have with my mother and the one she have with him. During the time of the fallout I got pregnant without first child, he was so loving, treated me to a baby shower, kept making plans, and kept telling me that he needs my support. In the first two years of the relationship he paid all the bills and he never complained, now that I have a job and the relationship between my mother and I; my mother and my kids have gotten stronger. The relationship between him and I has gotten worst. He doesn’t help out much in the house, and he doesn’t help with the rent, I don’t know if he is punishing me or did he gave up on us before I was able to start. I talk to friends and family for comfort and this bothers him. One day he went through my phone and saw some text messages. He asked me about it and asked why am I comparing him, why am I telling what he is not doing instead of asking what can I do to make it better. I feel like he is stalking me, even when he is at work. One day he left work early and asked me about a friend that I was talking to, he even had a background check done on this friend. This freaked me out, so I removed him (my husband) from my fb page, locked my phone and refused to have sex with him. Now he says he doesn’t trust me. Was I wrong for doing that? He argues that my lack of communication with him is a problem, he even took me to therapy, said he wants a divorce and says that he is willing to try but if I want to end it he will. I know I am not making it easy for him to stay but I feel exhausted, my mom helps me out with the kids and sometimes my rent, I feel like he chooses not to help. According to him he already helped me this far so what’s the problem. He wants to go out, he wants to have fun, but I keep telling him that I don’t have money for that and I have bills to pay. The thing that scares me the most is that I don’t trust him, he works late nights, keep in contact with his ex, I feel like my trust has been betrayed, plus he doesn’t help out much with the rent. I asked him if he is cheating and he said no, but I just can’t believe him. We have 2 kids whom he loves and take care of, he buys them stuff and pay for daycare, pretty much anything that have to do with them he is open to taking care of it; he doesn’t have a full time job, but he makes sacrifices that I honestly can’t make, like taking time off to watch the kids if we are not able to find someone to watch them. He claims he’s looking for a full time job, this has been over two years now. I want to leave but I want to stay, I am confused. I don’t want to lose any of my relationships. I cry a lot and I feel like he is trying to control me, he has a higher level of education and he also helps me with school, which is ironic as he won’t help with my rent. Is it me? Or is it him? Or am I missing something?

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman on who is married but also pursued a relationship with her “first love” and is working to mend the breach in her current marriage. Jay and Abiola discuss how to go about this and how to truly move on from her “first love.” Original Letter: Dear Abiola and Jay, I have been married for 30 years and my husband and I have a wonderful loving relationship. We have one child (a son) who is currently in college. We have a spiritual relationship with the Lord and we are involved with our church and community. Last year I reconnected with my “first love” whom I have known since we were three years old. We began talking and exchanging texts from time to time. One of the first acts my first love did was to apologize for breaking my heart so many years ago. During our high schools days, he simply moved on and started seeing someone else (who was sexually active with him) because I was totally focused on attending college and I was determined not to be a community statistic of a young teenage mother. As a result of being sexually active with this young lady, she became pregnant. I was devastated while at the same time elated that he was doing the right thing by marrying her. This didn’t happen in my community, so I was proud of him for stepping to the plate and taking responsibility. Over the course of their marriage, we communicated throughout the years and became intimate on several occasions throughout his marriage. When I finally met and married my husband, we lost contact with one another until last year, some thirty years later. He was married to his wife for thirty years and their marriage ended in divorce. He relocated to another state and has a live in relationship with another women that he has been with for about five years. Shortly after our reconnecting, as I stated above, he apologized for hurting me so many years ago and he expressed how he has never stopped loving me. I expressed my feelings as well and was happy that I continued to look for him over these many years. What I didn’t expect is that we would begin an affair that could potentially cost me my marriage. He clearly expressed from the beginning that he was happy with his new life and love, however he wanted to see me. After many respectful text, emails and conversations, our communication took a terrible turn. We began sexting and expressing ourselves verbally in ways we should have never done. I was scheduled for an out of town trip (an overnight trip) and I told him about it and asked if he would be able to drive up and see me after my trip since I would be in his state for another affair two days later. To my surprise, he booked a flight to go with me on my overnight trip and I was elated. I convinced myself that since I had a double room all would be well. As time progressed, we decided we would be intimate and began discussing all the things we would sexually do with one another. We meant, had the affair and my husband found out. I guess I was being so careless and excited that he noticed my new demeanor. My husband and I are working to mend the breach I caused in our relationship. Where I am struggling is that he has asked me to cut all communications with my first love. My heart is telling me he’s right and that is exactly what I am doing, however I think about him most days. I feel like I’m still committing adultery and I have a lot of anxiety because of my poor decision. How can I overcome this and move forward. I love my husband dearly and will never step outside of our marriage again. My husband loves me and has forgiven me. He has to build his trust in me again and I need to be totally emotionally released. My first love and I have not communicated, however I hear his voice and our conversations frequently in my spirit. I want to break this covenant relationship, but don’t know how.

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman on whether her fiancee, newly out of prison, is truly as ready for marriage as he says he is. Listen and find out what Jay and Abiola have to say about this. Original Letter: I am a 40 year old woman engaged to a 36 year old man, He has been in and out of prison, He was just released in December 2013 after being incarcerated for 4 years, My question is I don't think he ready for marriage, he constantly wants to run the street on the weekend doesn't come home till 4am, He’s being secretive about his cellphone which I found naked pics of other women, He keeps telling me he is ready but I don't think he is. We take marriage counseling and our pastor really feels he is not ready, I gave him a chance to go on with his life because I told him he have been locked down for 4 years and he hasn’t enjoyed life but he says he love me & wants to marry me but I'm scared that if I marry him I will end up hurt, this is our 3rd time together throughout the years since 1997, sorry so long but again my question is I'm wasting my time or should I give him a chance? Signed, Is he ready?

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman on whether or not an interaction she is having with a man should be considered a booty call. She always believes she is getting mixed signals from this man. Listen and find out what Jay and Abiola have to say about this. Original Letter: I've been hooking up with this guy almost every night for the past 2 weeks and I'm not sure if it's just a booty call. He usually stays the night, he's asked me to come hang out with him at his friends house, and now he's invited me to spend the day with him one day next week. But when I confronted him and asked if he was trying to date me, he said no with some random excuse behind it. "No. I'm still getting over my last relationship 2 years ago" so I'm getting mixed signs and don't know what to think. Signed, Booty Call?

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman about a sexual fantasy that her boyfriend has and what that might or might not indicate. Original Letter: My boyfriend has a fantasy of being with a beautiful tranny...he likes oral sex at book stores that use glory holes and i'm wondering if he is gay...he says that he is not physically attracted to men...its just sexual. Is he gay? Signed Questioning

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who is confused as to whether she should stay or move on from a guy who is still in the "building" point in his life. Due to family obligations, the man is financially tied down and limited, while she is not and is considering moving on. Take a listen to what Jay and Abiola have to say about it. Dear Jay and Abiola, I have a serious dilemma. I started dating a guy about a month ago, and things are moving fast. We met originally a few months back, but began talking on a whim when a mutual friend invited us out for drinks. We started dating (and having sex) shortly after. We enjoy each others company outside of sex, and he's a pretty decent guy. He has a stable job, he's a gentlemen, and he seems genuinely interested in me as a person. We moved quickly into being in a relationship. Now here's my dilemma. I'm 27 and he's 26. I'm a homeowner, and he's living at home with his mother & siblings. What I like about him is that he was honest about his situation from the beginning. I'm pretty stable in my career and I know where I'd like to go in the future. He's still in "building" mode, trying to get himself together. Recently, there were some financial issues that came up with his mom, and as a result he feels like he's stuck with the aftermath. My concern is that this is a situation where he has family obligations that would impact a serious relationship. So, now a month in, I'm thinking that this is more complicated than I initially anticipated. I like him a lot, and he says he likes me a lot. But because of his home situation I don't think he will be able to be in a serious relationship. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this way? Please help, Dazed & Confused but Grown (3 snaps)

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who is torn between here new husband and their loving relationship and her son. Having to make choices as to whether to help her son with his life (at least temporarily) or send him out on his own like her new husband prefers. Its quite the dilemma for all parties involved. Take a listen to see how Jay and Abiola break this one down and give the best advice possible. The Original Letter: I really, really need your help and hope with all sincerity that you respond. I feel in love with my childhood sweetheart in 1979 and even as a child I knew he was the one. I used to visit relatives in NC each summer when school let out in NY and they would pick me up after our family reunion each Labor Day Weekend. He was 15 and I was 12. Let me clarify so this doesn't sound bad. My parents knew me well enough to know they could trust me not to be fast and do the wrong thing even at an early age. We never crossed that line and remained friends. Over the years we lost connection but it's funny how our lives almost mirrored. He got married, had 2 children, a girl first then a boy, the same as me. He divorced and so did I. Fast forward to 2009, I came to NC for my yearly family reunion, after not attending for 5 years after my dad passed away in 2004. We communicated that weekend, ended updating immediately long distance. Our relationship took off just like it left off years ago!! A real modern day fairy tale. We got engaged in 2010, married in 2011 in NC and he officially moved me to NC in 2012. Everything is really going great aside from my adult son. My first marriage was in 1991 to my son and daughter's dad in NY. We divorced in 2001. I did my best to find counseling for my son but he wouldn't talk at the sessions. My daughter never had a problem speaking on her concerns about having divorced parents but I could see my son's anger. My kids were 19 and 21 when I remarried. They were very happy for us. My daughter was away in college and my son, who dropped out of HS and working, was still living with me at home. When I relocated to NC, my new husband and I moved my son to the NY borough of his choice since he didn't want to live in NC. May daughter was away in college. About 72 hours after moving my son his dad moved him out telling him he was only 19 and shouldn't have to pay rent. I couldn't believe it! This man hadn't lived with his father since he was 7. How in the world did he think this was going to work as an adult. I never spoke bad about their dad to my kids so I guess he had to learn for himself. After my ex learned I remarried I guess his mission to try to destroy kicked in. He served me with child support papers because I had been getting support from him, through the courts, on and off, so he was looking to have it stopped since my son was then living with him and his girlfriend. My son was still working and paying them $25/week rent. My son was told by his dad's girlfriend to be ready to move with me after the court date. My husband and I discussed my son's situation and moved my son in with us in NC. My son said he was going to get his GED, enrolled immediately at the local community college but stopped before achieving his goals. He works and talks about how he never wanted to live in NC in the first place which is why he didn't move with me when I did. My son is now 22 and not happy in this small NC town. Occasionally, he'll spend time watching the game or out to dinner with me and my husband but for the most part he's held up in his room. My husband believes adults should be on their own after they reach 18, definitely by 22!! How do I get back to the 1 year my husband and I had? Things are pretty good but I don't want things to get strained plus I want to be able to "enjoy" my life whenever and wherever like before. My husband said he doesn't support his kids financially, they are 26 and 23, and doesn't like having to support mine. I just don't know what to do. I just want the life I had with my husband for a year in my new marriage without abandoning my son. By the way, my daughter is 24 & in her 2nd year law school in NY with her goal to stay in NY after she graduates. Please respond. I will continue to read this column hoping for an answer. Thank you.

This week on Love School for Nerds, Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman trying to decide between two men. Both have different things to offer her. One is older, more mature, and more married! The other is younger, less money, and single. What to do...what to do! Take a listen and see what advice Jay and Abiola lay down for this precarious, yet all to common situation. The Original Letter: I’m involve with 2 guys and i don’t know what to do. i was in a relationship with a married man since 4 years ago. I’m 30, and he’s 46. he swept me off my feet, we have good sex, and he has a great job. he treats me well and i can always depend on him to advice me whenever I’m in trouble. i never knew i would this kind of thing, i mean i hate infidelity. but he convinced me that he’s in a loveless marriage, and he wants to marry me. thing is until now every time i bring up the subject, he gets angry and refuse to talk. then after we’ll make up again and completely forget about that issue. 6 months ago i started to get to know this guy at work, who is 4 years younger than me. at first i didn’t think much about him, just that he’s cute. then he asked me out and then after we started to be in touch with each other and ended up sleeping together. i don’t see him much as i’ve moved to another city for work. he’s not the kind of guy that i would be attracted to usually, i mean he’s childish, and doesn’t have the refinement of a mature guy like my older bf does. he makes less money and seems not to know what he wants to do in the future. only thing is he said he wants to marry me, and already started to save money. now i don’t know what to do, the older guy has everything that i want, but he doesn’t seem to want to marry me, the other guy does, but I’m afraid that him being younger and doesn’t have a good job will bring trouble in the future,i don’t want to hurt anyone, and i also don’t want to make the wrong choice

This week Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who is dating a man and seems to be head over heels for him. However, he got a new job and is moving to another state. Now that their new and budding relationship is in a state of flux, what should she do?! The Letter this week: I hope you can help me think through this clearly. I recently ended a long-distance relationship with someone because there was no sign of an "end date." After thinking it over for months, I recognized that I did not see a future with him and ended things. Soon after, I met a new guy who has made me incredibly happy. Since our first date, we've been nearly inseparable. We can talk for hours, or sit quietly together while watching TV. He's passionate and affectionate, and takes care of himself both physically and life-wise. And, to be completely transparent, the physical side of our relationship is out of this world. He knows exactly what to do to get my body excited and takes it to levels I had never experienced. It's early in the relationship, but I think I could love him. I've said countless times since we've met how much we fit together, even though I realize that this could be the "honeymoon phase" since we have only been dating for about a month and a half. Nevertheless, I can feel myself falling for him each day. Unfortunately, we just found out a few days ago that he is being transferred across the country to Pennsylvania from Texas for work. It's exciting because all of his family and most of his friends live in the area. It's also incredibly disappointing because it feels like everything just started off right and now it's being ripped away. I broke up with someone because I couldn't handle the long-distance, but I can't imagine finding a guy so wonderful and then letting him go just like that without a fight. The worst part: he refuses to discuss next steps. While he hasn't outright said "let's break up," he hasn't said "let's stay together" either. I know he needs time to process this abrupt change, and I want to be supportive, but I also want to figure out where we both stand as far as what's next with us -- especially since I just got so used to using the pronoun. What should I do? Signed, Not Ready to Say Goodbye Love, Sex, Relationships, Engagements, Marriage, trust, fear, advice, distance

This week Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who's best friend is dating her former boss. The wrinkle to the story is that this woman was fired by that boss. Should she feel betrayed by her best friend for dating this person? The Letter this week: I have a question...my best friend has started dating the person that fired me from my job...I see this as a betrayal to me because its being thrown into my face every single time I see this person...is this a betrayal to me? Love, Sex, Relationships, Engagements, Marriage, trust, fear, advice, cheating

This week Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman wondering if her husband is either gay or cheating on her due to a lack of affection. They have been married for 21 years and this is a serious concern. The ultimate question of who should make the first move comes into play here. The Letter this week: Next month we will be married for 21 years but in the last couple of yrs i noticed, i make the first move w/anything intimate. So i slowed down to see if he would start making moves and he doesn't. We are affectionate and sex has slowed down. If he loves me and wants me, why won't he make the first move? He says he's trying? How would i know if he is gay or cheating? Love, Sex, Relationships, Engagements, Marriage, trust, fear, advice, cheating

This week Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who has been with her husband since the age 16. Now at 21 she is very unhappy and has cheated on him several times. She wants to move past her issues but still harbors some anger towards her husband. The Letter from this week: I am looking for help and im hoping you could do just that for me. I am 21 years old and have been with my husband for 5 years now we have a son thats 3 years old ever since i had him i havent had an orgasm,well i pleasure myself and i do have an orgasm. About a few months ago i cheated on him with a couple of men i really liked being with those men even though i still didnt have an orgasm i still felt really turned on as for my husband i just feel like pushing him of of me i dont want to have sex with him anymore i dont even want to kiss him. I feel bad for cheating on him but i did it because i just didnt have that attention from him like the other men gave me, he would just go out and drink with friends and i would stay at home with my child. A few weeks ago he found out i was talking with someone, but what he doesnt know is that i slept with them. Now i want to put all that in the past and move on with our lives but i still dont want to have sex with him i try to make up excuses to not have sex but when i do i just feel sooo angry that i just want to punch him or just to push him of of me. I really need help. Hope you can help me, and hope i hear from you soon. Love, Sex, Relationships, Engagements, Marriage, trust, fear, advice, cheating

This week Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who has been going back and forth with being engaged to a man. Becoming more and more complicated as time has gone on with the relationship between her and the man's grown children. Is she doom to this back and forth cycle forever? The Letter from this week: My ex-boyfriend asked me to marry him in Dec 2012 after four years of dating and we immediately started living together and planning a Oct 2013 wedding. He is 62 and I am 57. Six months later, in June 2013, he called off the wedding stating that he was not ready. I was crushed and had to find a new place and start over again as I had sold all my furniture when we moved in together. I was emotionally lost. Well within 2 weeks of me moving out he told me that he couldn’t live without me and could we still date. I said yes and we started dating again. Then in Nov 2013, he became quiet and withdrawn and said he wanted to date other people. Well I got extremely upset and sent an email to his grown children telling them that their father and I smoked weed and that our relationship was over. I felt the relationship was really over. He contacted me in Jan 2014 and stated that he still loved me and wanted to date me. So we have been sneaking around (without his kids and family knowing) to be together. I love this man deeply but I don't want to sneak anymore. If we have forgiven each other, then I think his kids should forgive me but my ex- is afraid to say anything to his kids to keep the peace. I have asked him if I can apologize to his kids in person and he states that is not a good idea right now. My kids already know and have forgiven him for calling off the wedding. Are we doomed to not be together? Love, Sex, Relationships, Engagements, Marriage, trust, fear, advice

This week Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who is growing more and more concerned with her boyfriend's lack of money. Hindering possible trips and so forth, she wonders if its works sticking around or is it time to move on. The Letter from this week: "Hey you I have been dating this man for 3 years. I understand a relationship is not all about money but plays an important part. We both have grown children and have our everyday bills. He just seems to never have any extra for us to do much of anything. We talk about vacations but they never come through. He often talks about adjusting and adjusting. As stated my children are grown and I am at a point in my life where I should be able to enjoy it. Should I move on and wait on my Mr Right or give him a chance to get himself together." love,sex,relationship,wellness,advice,questions,health,sexuality

This week Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a man who is trying to be intimate with his wife, but has a question about what to do when visitors stop by. Love, Sex, and intimacy will all be discussed. The Letter from this week: "I have been reading a few of your columns, and I can say that I can appreciate the advice that you are giving to help individuals and couples reach the intimacy level that they are seeking in the way God designed it to be. I do have a question about your 40 days and 40 nights suggestion. What do you suggest for the time frame for sex while the woman in menstruating? I am male, and have always been one not to have any kind of intercourse during the menstruation period. I would like to try this suggestion, but need help when 'Aunt Flo' comes to visit as suggestions for sex."

Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who is concerned about her husband's "idea" of how to deal with the infertility issues.

Jay and Abiola discuss a letter from a woman who is wondering if still being a virgin is an oddity. She also states that she has issues with being emotional intimate with others.