Marriage Startup Podcast

Show Summary We wrap up our Emotional Labor series with a look at all we’ve been through, how we’ve improved, and recognition that this is probably a life-long work in progress. Leslie gets endearingly ranty about a favorite soapbox topic, Laura talks about how the kids are internalizing their chore motivation, and you’ll find out the crazy amount of money our kids made running their lemonade stand for just 3 hours on the first hot day of spring. Show Resources Basecamp 3

Show Summary We pause to consider what we’ve learned about Emotional Labor. Laura digs deeper into the problems she’s encountered because of the connection she made between work ethic and approval (and perhaps more importantly, disapproval). Leslie shares the same, but in connection with growing up in a very conservative Christian household before discovering what grace really means (and how it helps him do the dishes… really). Then we discuss male role models, and what may or may not be part of the feminist conversation. And of course, we close with Heart Loop – the things we do to improve our marriage and champion each other. Show Resources Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD (thank you Molly)

Show Summary We do our best to figure out why we work together so well in our business but why we revert back to a terrible, draining, backwards 1950s style when it comes to home & family. In part one we succeeded in figuring out what the big picture problem was and in part two we take a deep dive into what may be causing it so we know where to improve. Show Resources Arlie Hochschild created the term ’emotional labor’ in 1983 in her book, “The Managed Heart.“ Will It Fly? by Pat Flynn (Amazon Affiliate link) Living Forward by Michael Hyatt (Amazon Affiliate link) Crafting a Rule of Life by Stephen A. Macchia (Amazon Affiliate link) A (kind of silly) online estimator of who does what around the house: “Chore Wars.” A helpful guide on how to “Negotiate a Fair Division of Household Work” from the University of Rhode Island. A fun and insightful video by “Song a Day” maker, Jonathan Mann (he and his wife overcame this issue with kanban!) “Among couples we studied, on average, men worked longer hours outside the home, yet even in families where women worked equivalent or longer hours and earned higher salaries they still took on more household responsibilities. When our data were merged with the Chicago Sloan Study of 500 working families, we learned that men spent 18 percent of their time doing housework and took on 33 percent of household tasks, whereas women spent 22 percent of their time on housework and carried out 67 percent of household tasks. Women performed over twice the number of tasks and assumed the burden of “mental labor” or “invisible work,” that is, planning and coordination of tasks. Moreover, leisure was most frequent for fathers (30 percent) and children (39 percent) and least frequent for mothers (22 percent).” ~ From an excellent article in The Atlantic, “The Difference Between an Happy Marriage and a Miserable One: Chores.” Another nicely toned article from the Atlantic on spousal chore distribution: “Spouses Probably Shouldn’t Try to Split Household Tasks Exactly Evenly.” “Husbands help wives (and wives husbands) not because they “owe” each other, but because that is what spouses do. In fact, if you are out the point where you are figuring out who owes what to whom in terms of hours or percentages, something has already gone wrong. Counting hours is a sign of a problem, not a potential solution. …housework is a feminist issue—and why both men and women need to work to stop it from becoming the whip that makes one spouse the master and the other the dog. But I don’t think you keep this from happening by splitting housework equally. Rather, you keep it from happening by remembering that your spouse is not your debtor, but your spouse. The goal is not to clear your ledger, but to live with each other, and love each other, day in and day out for the rest of your lives.”

Show Summary In this episode, we are dig into Emotional Labor, a major issue that impacts our relationships at home and work in deep, unexpected ways. This is a complex topic, often weighed down by years of bad habits, gender equality issues, and uninvestigated family of origin issues. The only way through is to talk it out, so we get the conversation going with many tears and lots of kindness. The Video that Shows the Problem   Resources “…we came to see that, despite our best intentions to be equal partners, we had no role models. The minute we got home with our brand new baby, it was like these unconscious, old 1950s-era black and white movies started playing in both our heads – that the Ideal Father goes off to work and provides, and the Ideal Mother is always available for her kids and keeps the house neat and tidy. Those old movies, time diary data shows, are still playing all over the world.” from Brigid Schulte’s “Why Time is a Feminist Issue.” It’s 2016. Time to Get Real About How We Work and Live by Brigid Schulte The original article called “Where’s My Cut?: On Unpaid Emotional Labor.” Emotional Labor (Wikipedia) Metafilter thread on Unpaid Emotional Labor, and the most excellent Unpaid Emotional Labor checklist (if you don’t read anything else, read this one and follow instructions!) “At work as at home, men reap the benefit of women’s ‘emotional labor.’” by Soraya Chemaly, Director, Women’s Media Center ‘Women are just better at this stuff’: is emotional labor feminism’s next frontier? by Rose Hackman

Show Summary In this episode, we catch up from being sick for weeks on end. We’ll also announce the winner of the Baron Fig notebook give away and our last giveaway of the “new year.” You don’t want to miss it, especially if there is a business you’re starting or want to start. Show Resources BioFlourish – Dr. Marc Wagner’s website (his Facebook page is here) Will It Fly? by Pat Flynn (Amazon Affiliate link) Smart Passive Income (Pat’s main site) Living Forward by Michael Hyatt (Amazon Affiliate link)  MichaelHyatt.com – Your Virtual Mentor Crafting a Rule of Life by Stephen A. Macchia (Amazon Affiliate link)

Show Summary In this episode we respond to feedback from our listeners. First up is a thoughtful response to “Soldiering through our emotions” from Molly. Then, we dissect and discuss an article a listener linked us to. We round out the show with discussion of our Love Languages, and our Kaizen Moment takes a slightly different twist as we tell the other what to do for us this week. We also announce this week’s giveaway: a Baron Fig notebook! Resources “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink” The original article called “Where’s My Cut?: On Unpaid Emotional Labor.” Metafilter thread on Unpaid Emotional Labor, and the most excellent Unpaid Emotional Labor checklist (if you don’t read anything else, read this one and follow instructions!) This article called “35 Practical Steps Men Can Take to Support Feminism” is also excellent and goes hand in hand with the above. (Again, we are aware of the gender role generalizations going on here!) If you don’t think the above is an issue, there are plenty of works cited in this article, called “At work as at home, men reap the benefit of women’s ‘emotional labor.’” Leslie’s essay, “Do the Dishes.” Take this quiz to find your 5 Love Languages profile Glimmering – Our professional website Pixel & Tonic, makers of CraftCMS & Craft Commerce – where Leslie is the new Chief Customer Officer Baron Fig Confidant notebook – this week’s giveaway! Habitica – Gamify your life! Liam Neeson’s “Particular Set of Skills”

Show Summary In this episode Joel and Leslie talk husband to husband, human to human about what to do when tragedy derails your plans and impacts your life. Its genuine, heartfelt, and practical. Joel’s advice is also unexpected and deeply humanizing. It’s a must listen, especially if you have a “just push through it” personality. You can find out more about Joel and his work at Relaunch over at RelaunchShow.com (highly recommended). React to this like a person, not like a good little solider. – Joel Boggess, Relaunch The Details Normally I’m joined by my co-host and amazing wife Laura who is the co-founder of Glimmering and Wild Goose Guidance. But this episode is a first for two reasons. First, its our first episode with a guest that isn’t related to us! I’m very grate to be I’m very grateful to be speaking with Joel Boggess one-half of the team behind the creation, development, and explosive growth of ReLaunch, a podcast that interviews the hottest and most in-demand personal development experts and business thought leaders to bring you fresh ideas, inspiring stories, and most importantly, practical steps that help you start over with confidence. Just recently Relaunch was listed in the “Top 5 podcasts for inspiration” by the Huffington post. And, Relaunch made it into Inc.’s top 20 business podcasts for 2015. Joel is a specialist at helping people “relaunch” a book or podcast into and reach number 1 in their categories and get their message out to not just a big audience, but the right audience. Originally Laura and I were going to pick Joel’s brain on the work we’re doing with Marriage Startup and especially Laura’s work on Wild Goose Guidance, but that got unexpected derailed. Which brings us to our second first. This is the first episode without Laura. Yesterday a close friend of the family received news that their mom had cancer and it was bad. Really bad. Its thrown all of us for a loop and Laura has jumped in to help however she can. Show Resources Finding Pockets of Happiness – Joel interviews Donna Lee Gauntlett

Show Summary In this episode we announce the winner of last week’s Bullet Journal giveaway and announce this week’s giveaway: a Wild Goose Guidance gift certificate for a free reading! Laura updates us on how she’s come back to her Wild Goose Guidance work. And Leslie gives an overview of Peter Drucker’s 3 steps for managing a successful transition. It all comes down to honesty, introspection, creating a feedback loop, and embracing a slow, steady pace toward meeting one goal at a time. Resources The ReLaunch Show – Send us your questions! Wild Goose Guidance – Help for the Stuck Places Managing Oneself by Peter Drucker (Amazon/Audible affiliate link) Bullet Journal Glimmering – Our professional website

Show Summary In this episode, Leslie talks about his plans to go slow and build momentum in the New Year. There’s no need to beat yourself up with resolutions and goals in the first couple weeks of January! We invite you to take the time to understand who you are, who you want to be, and build the momentum to get there. Because you will. Resources The ReLaunch Show Crafting a Rule of Life, by Stephen A. Macchia How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big, by Scott Adams Adams’ blog post explaining why Goals are for Losers. Bullet Journal

Show Summary In this episode, Leslie has collected 5 thoughtful questions for us to reflect on as a way to say goodbye to 2015 and set the foundation for 2016. This isn’t about goals and accomplishments; it’s about ending the year with a full heart and building from there. Strangely enough all the business stuff I’ve worked on, all the professional growth I’ve worked on, all the accomplishments we’ve talked about, they were all overshadowed by a sense of wholeness with our family around a holiday because that’s been an old old wound for a long time. – Leslie The Questions If you had to describe 2015 in 3 words, what would they be? (thank you Anuschka from to Into-mind.com) Is there something you’re still holding on to? Is it time to let it go? (thank you to Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co) What is your favorite memory of 2015? What had the most positive impact on your life in 2015? What, if anything do you want to carry forward into 2016? Bonus question: What do you want to give more of? Resources Into-Mind.com’s Year in Review questions PersonalExcellence.co’s 101 Important Questions to Ask Yourself BeClause Cutehom Espresso Cups (Amazon affiliate link)

Show Summary We take a critical look at the goals we set for 2015 using Michael Hyatt’s Best Year Ever System. We’ll review what we accomplished, examine the reasons we missed some, and most importantly, pull out the most valuable lessons we learned. Hint: Sometimes what you don’t accomplish is more valuable than what you do! I’m actually really excited about maintaining my personhood while doing these other things well! – Laura Show Resources In Episode 23, New Year, New Goals, New You, New Season, Best Year Ever?, we go into detail as to why we choose these goals in the first place. Michael Hyatt’s 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever Tough Mudder Owner Camp Book Yourself Solid by Michael Port (Amazon Affiliate link) Anne Lamott The Miracle of Personal Development by Jim Rohn

Show Summary In this episode we recount the painful story of Christmas 2014 and use the workbook called Get Christmased to start owning our Christmases. It’s pretty heavy – Laura cries. But by the end, we have some definite forward momentum. Whether or not you celebrate Christmas specifically, we invite you to investigate your own approach to seasonal family rituals and craft them into something that brings joy for you and yours. “Last Christmas was our worst as a family…. and I have a record of bad Christmas.” – Leslie Show Resources The workbook we’re referring to in this episode is: Get Christmased, by Magda Pecsenye. Magda has also written You’re the Best Parent for Your Child, a compassionate and insightful compilation of parenting truths gleaned from her website, AskMoxie.org. If filling out the workbook yourself feels overwhelming, or you’re more collaborative by nature, you can always contact Magda for a Flash Consult, where  for $250 she’ll solve your problem in around 24 hours.

Show Summary In this series, we’re exploring what it means to stick to your values while being free to let your culture change… sometimes daily. We based this discussion off Matt Blumberg’s wonderful article, The Difference Between Culture and Values. This episode is part three – where we take the values we listed in part 2, and talk about how we are bringing (or trying to bring!) them into our family culture. We of course run out of time to get to the business side of things, but that’s okay – this is a work in progress, something we need to keep alive and revisit frequently. We hope you’ll do the same. We used to lie down on the dissection tables and watch Shakespeare videos. – Laura Show Resources Nurture Shock – A book that really influenced our parenting. Specifically to this show, the way we talk about race/culture/differences with our kids, and how we approach talking to kids about lying. Highly recommended. Donald Miller has a great lecture on the importance of Story in our lives. (It’s kinda Christian-y, but not intolerably so.) Sympathy vs. Empathy vs. Compassion – an article from OperationMeditation.com

Show Summary We pause from our normal schedule to give thanks. No music, no production, just two mics and a thankful posture. We’ll return with a “normal” show next week.

Show Summary In this series, we’re exploring what it means to stick to your values while being free to let your culture change… sometimes daily. We based this discussion off Matt Blumberg’s wonderful article, The Difference Between Culture and Values. This episode is part two – where we work to define our family and business values. In a blind interview, open script, we discuss three of the values we chose for Glimmering and for our family. There’s some overlap and a number that caught the other by surprise but were instantly acknowledged as vital – just not on their radar. We gave the discussion plenty of time, so we’ll try to wrap up next week when we discuss how to put the values into action. Values Discussed Family Grace (Leslie & Laura) Inclusiveness (Leslie) Compassion (Laura) Inquisitiveness (Laura) “A Long Obedience in the Same Direction” (Leslie) Glimmering LLC Authentic (Leslie) Cultivate Joy (Laura) Do the work (Leslie) Champion the Good (Laura) Change (Leslie) Demonstrate Balance (Laura) Show Resources Heather Petit’s values triads. The posts linked below are the originating posts, but she has many others showing these in action (use the categories to navigate). Heather is a brilliant parent; she captures a heart-centered systemization approach that has been absolutely inspiring to me. She and her husband, Will, practice kaizen in their parenting as well as their marriage. It’s an honor to know them (if only virtually!). Safe, Respectful, Kind – for the core physical processes, and the main experience of the early years – pregnancy through Kindergarten or so. It covers health, self/integrity, empathy. Effective, Prudent, Truthful  – for the understanding of self and action, choice, decision-making, and the intersection between self and other – any other. Not yet to relationship, though the edges of all overlap. Starting around first grade, this matches the social and emotional development – up through middle school, I’d say.  This covers will, choice, and identity. Acceptant, Loving, Faithful – for interrelating over the longer term, for marriage, for children, for the people with whom we choose to have relationships. Master of None – As explained by Merv & Trey, our friends over at Culture Slash.

Show Summary We explore what it means to stick to your values while being free to let your culture change… sometimes daily. Culture and values is something that people, not just owners, get mixed up on a regular basis. Its also difficult to make them practical to our daily lives. We use Matt Blumberg’s excellent “The Difference Between Culture and Values” article as a way to explore what we need to do to set the values for our family and our business (Glimmering LLC).  In part one we set the stage and set a challenge for ourselves. In part two, we’ll see the results of the challenge “live.” We also answer a listener question (Hi Maggie) about the stuff we use to make the Marriage Startup Podcast. The Challenge “A leader’s job is to embody the values.  That impacts/produces/guides culture.  But only the foolhardy leaders think they can control culture.” – Matt Blumberg, The Difference Between Culture and Values Our challenge is to pick our short list of values for our family and for our business. In episode 50 we’ll share them with each other “live” and have an open discussion about them and talk about how to live them out in our family and our business. We invite you do the same. Podcasting Resources Heil PR40 + shock mount + boom arm (Amazon affiliate link) Audio-Technica ATR2100 (Amazon affiliate link) Zoom H6 (Amazon affiliate link) Hindenburg Journalist Pro Audacity Adobe Audition CC Reaper – Digital Audio Workstation Liberated Syndication (libsyn) Feed.Press – Podcasting hosting and subscriber tracking (affiliate link, great service, great team) WordPress (what we currently use) Craft CMS (what we’re moving to) Simplecast.fm Podcast Answer Man (all the resources on podcasting you could ever want or need and where we purchased professional training for ourselves)

Show Summary In this episode, we discuss an article from the Harvard Graduate School of Education that outlines some principles for raising kind, ethical, caring children. We explore what it means to expand one’s circle of concern, and what we can do to bring concepts of compassion, faithfulness, and “Showing Up” into reality in our family and businesses. Compassion is a lost art. – Laura Show Resources Harvard’s Making Caring Common tips for Raising Caring Children. Our Marriage Startup Special edition 001, “Where Do We Go From Here, God Have Mercy” episode that we did for HarmonyMoore.com’s “Survivor Song’s” series.  Leslie’s Depression in a Nutshell. Geek Mental Help Week Zaengle.com – Glimmering helped launch this beauty! Made by Sidecar’s Mission Arrabon – Offers cultural awareness and competency training for achieving diversity and reconciliation.

Show Summary In our last “summer slowdown”  episode, we go retrospective and introspective. We talk about our long-anticipated weekend away to Owner Camp in Seattle: how nice it was to be just adult selves for the first time in a long time, and about the inspiration we gleaned from being around other owner and entrepreneur couples. Then Leslie reflects on turning 40. He has some advice to his younger self, and a lot of positivity toward his future. We end with a Kaizen twist on the “What I’m Going to Do for You This Week” segment, and look forward to weekly episodes starting up again in November. Show Notes WGG Sabbatical newsletter Glimmering LLC (our company) Owner Camp by the Bureau of Digital Affairs Friendly Fire with Ben and Carl EllisLab ExpressionEngine 3 Greg Hoy, Happy Cog Jody Grunden, SummitCPA April Grunden, Grunden Law Toggl Time Tracking app Media Temple Marriage Startup 005 – Gratitude, Communion, and Kayaking Jon Batiste & Stay Human Owner Camp in 1 Picture

Show Summary In this episode we dig into an old but new-to-us concept called Kaizen that helps us streamline our approach to life, business, and marriage. We’ll let you know briefly what we’ve been up to since the last episode, and we’ll answer a listener question about fighting in front of the kids. Marriage Kaizen Our “first pass” without much explanation (yet). Listen & Rest Improve Do Check-in Repeat Show Resources Kaizen, at least in a business context, was brought to the west by Masaaki Imai in his book Kaizen: The Key to Japan’s Competitive Success (Amazon affiliate link) Masaaki explains Kaizen (warning, boring yet informative video) Kaizen Debunked or Nerds Argue about Word Meanings (for those that like arguing about things) Pixel and Tonic & Craft CMS Craft Podcast Design & Content Strategy Conference Bonus! Most of the conference talks are on the their blog. The Feeling Good Handbook (Amazon affiliate link) Glimmering LLC (hire Leslie, for next year) Wild Goose Guidance – Get Unstuck

Show Summary We attempt to disarm a trap we set for ourselves, where we try to cover our insecurities by demanding respect, especially from our kids, and the damage that can cause. The episode is a behind the scenes interview with Laura on her article Authority, Personhood, and Compassion. But first, we go over the new website and introduce a new segment, “month in a minute.” Show Notes Authority, Personhood, and Compassion by Laura Camacho Become Laura’s Patreon and support her writing Visit Modern Board Games in Bend Oregon! It’s awesome! Michael Rog Nate and Ashley Croft Brandon Kelly Sandra Bland’s arrest video My 9 Year Old has Lost Her Mind by RenegadeMama Owner Camp Alumni Spectacular in Seattle WordPress Array Themes Show Transcripts Coming soon….