No YOU Hang Up

Put on your fluffy preboots and gather up your funkles and funts as Louie phones in to talk about using all parts of her brain, Boris and Trump’s theme tune and swearing in front of kids. Hannah misunderstands procrastination and reveals some unexpected plans for when society ends, and “penance face” Dan has been tidying his room and is, in fact, kinda manly. This was Louie’s last appearance before she was revealed to be an alien imposter and removed by men in dark suits.

In his voyage through all the Br-towns, Nikesh joins Hannah in Brighton and Dan over the wires to read some train poetry, and to publicly confess to the most heinous thing he has ever done. Hannah has been on a quest to get the best from a fest and found it lacking in theremins, and Dan is Doing Quite Well For Himself although the wheels are about to, quite literally, come off. Also, plans are laid for the most astonishing grudge-melee: McFARLANE & THE CAST OF HEAT vs SOME AUTHORS! The streets of Bridlewell will run with blood and snot.

Dan and Hannah are back to provide the answers to more of life’s head-scratchers: what really separates us from the animals? Why are energy drinks a threat to those closest to you? Can anyone solve the mystery of the monk? What’s the deadliest game you can play in Toys R Us? Who is Dan’s new dance partner? And which once-joyful part of Hannah’s life has turned to moths now?

Oh that Dan and Hannah, they’re so worldly! Listen now to Dan’s recent exploits China and almost-North Korea, in which he eats all the beefs and inadvertently brings joy to prisoners, and Hannah’s tale of being politely kidnapped in Peru. There’s terror in the air, terror on the road, terror in a boat and now terror in your ears with the brand new segment ‘Sex Pest Radio’.

You know those songs you liked? Turns out they’re mostly quite sex-pesty. This week a sad, sad story is ‘enhanced’ by GarageBand, a tray is hideously misappropriated at 30,000ft, Hannah is reunited with an old nemesis, and Dan is busy being his own worst enemy. AGAIN.

What ailments can be solved with oxtail soup and gaffer tape? How many different ways are there to ingest crisps? Ian shows us what can be done with years of medical expertise, a few household objects and some extremely blue-sky thinking. Meanwhile Dan is being eaten alive by little monsters despite (or because of) his new Muggs, and Hannah waxes lyrical about the best queue ever and discusses her failed childhood cryogenics experiment. 

Jade joins the Berrys for an exciting round of Guessy Name Game! Hannah finds some treasure, Dan finds far more treasure but is Derren Browned by a 3-year-old, and Jade wins the week by having six names and by actually finishing her graphic novel. Together they redesign Iron Man and reveal spoilers for Game of Thrones series 5 that are 100% true.

Gather ye round to learn facts about the mysterious Loch Ness, all of which are unquestionably true how dare you suggest otherwise. This week Hannah has been lurk-learning and trying to represent womanhood in a tie, while the stress of living in a plague house has driven Dan to have a terrible relapse. Includes entirely accurate retellings of Lord of the Flies, Wuthering Heights, and Sopranos! The Musical.

This is not just a podcast: this is a trifecta of Berrys, jostled into an exuberant hour and layered with zingy effervescence; all served on a readjusted pleasure setting with a harrowing experience of horse head and just a splash of salad cream.

You are cordially invited to Dantown Abbey. Accompany Mr Slorance as he takes a most leisurely turn with hosts Dan, The Smartest Guy In The World, and Hannah, Most Offensive Fimo-Wearer. It may please you hear Dan’s accurate impression of Stan Lee and to learn more of the humble tortoise and their husbandry, but have a care dear visitor: as one particular tale of chelonian whimsy may make you sick in your mouth a bit.

If you’re not vegan at the start of this episode, well, you might be by the end. Dan, Hannah and Kristyna discuss haggis, baggis, pencil-rubbing sandwiches, the ghost of the worst cheese you ever ate, NASA’s arancini space balls, vole soup, Scrooge McDucking into crisps, couscous served in a human skull, and that Lance’s tahini paninis. Listen to it, or you’ll get got! 

This episode is a veritable trove of exciting anecdotes. Laugh at Dan shaming himself at a Chinese buffet! Gasp at Stephen’s brushes with death while recreating classic moments of joy from films! Avert your eyes from Hannah’s scheme to escape aggressively boring people! Wonder at Dan’s Wigatorium!

Happy New Year! Why not make 2016 the year you get yourself adopted by a celebrity? Dan and Hannah discuss mince pies, crackers and Chekhov’s guts. Meanwhile, Tom Jones, Roy Orbison and Bruce Springsteen need to have a good long think about their song lyrics.

Finally, a podcast that’s not afraid to tackle the big subjects of the day: elastic bands or bananas, which is more pleasing to write on? Emma Vieceli takes time off from being about to work on Supergirl to explain Swearaoke, Dan equips his brother to join biker gang, and Hannah terrifies a telephone scammer.

Guest caller John Allison has paid £500 for this call, so it’d better contain at least two (2) emergency Pepperami tips. Dan develops a musical interest in David Beckham, John develops an apocalyptic gameshow, and Hannah gets out of her depth at a fancy-ass literary party and develops survivors guilt.

“Of course, everyone has broken a sibling’s arm at one time or another.” This week Simone Lia calls in just as she is about to level-up as an illustrator, while Hannah is somehow the subject of a documentary and Dan makes up a tale about a washing up bowl. There are also some useful tips on tax, desk tidiness, and motivation, including the greatest motivator of them all: death.

Chest dreadlocks, The Wild Man of Shrops and old, matted Ewoks. Hannah lays out her zombie contingency plan (it includes a lot of baking) and Dan gets angry at people while hanging around in motorway service stations.

Joe Decie is giving up comics to start an artisanal porridge pop-up; Hannah’s weird worst job; and Dan explains butter. You’ll never look at butter the same way again! Or eat it!   We got so swept up with talking that we forgot to plug all of Joe’s work, but if you liked the cut of his jib you should read his online comics and buy his books because they are true and made up and very, very funny. You can also listen to Joe talking about these things on Dan Berry’s OTHER podcast, Make It Then Tell Everybody.

03. Let Ham Be Your Blanket Crunky wrists, cars that run on blood, and NHS Occult Services cutbacks. Hannah loses a fight with a playground and Dan's daughter answers the age-old question: "what does the top of Dan's head smell like?"