Out of the Box with Steve and Lorraine

Episode 39 has more encouragement and insight for parenting in this third session of How to be a “Perfect” -NOT- Parent, and Not Loose Your Mind. Dustin and Savannah Box, again give practical examples and tips in parenting as you partner with Holy Spirit. They take an honest look at Self Control vs Other’s Control,  explore The Power of Choices, Boundaries, and Consequences – with lots of practical examples to draw from and share you with some great Tools of the Trade. If you haven’t listened to sessions 1 & 2 they are available in Episodes 37 & 38. VIDEO of session 3 is available here Notes for all three sessions is located in Episode 37 show notes.

What does it look like to partner with Holy Spirit in your parenting – where you are empowered and you empower your children to be all God has designed them to be? In Session 2 of How To Be the Perfect Parent and Not Loose Your Mind, Dustin and Savannah share some key concepts about connection, obedience and disciple-ing our kids. The central focus is Discipline vs Punishment. When we communicate to others that they need to be punished, we are communicating that what Jesus did was not enough! Get rocked and equipped today in parenting with a new perspective and valuable tools! VIDEO for session two here Get the notes for all three sessions in episode 37 shownotes

#37 How to be a “Perfect” (not) Parent, and Not Loose Your Mind Pt 1

In Episode 36 Steve and Lorraine talk about relational health and three common myths that keep us from being relationally healthy! Conflict is always a big subject in the context of relationship – is it healthy or unhealthy… where does it come from, and what do you do with it? What about failure – failure can look like a lot of different things in relationship. All the way from … “You failed to read my mind” to a serious and deeply hurtful betrayal. How do we see and draw from the benefit of failure? What about the collection of un-resolved issues in our relationship – rubble? Is it wise or even necessary to re-visit old issues that remain unresolved? How do you stop old narratives from infiltrating your current conversations? What does Relationally Healthy look like?

In this episode, Steve and Lorraine introduce and interview Elizabeth Woning, co-founder of Equipped To Love a ministry designed to educate and encourage the church around the subject of same-sex attraction. Elizabeth brings hope and health to our conversations and attitudes centered around same-sex attraction. She consults with church leaders, parents to offer guidance in loving well, identity seminars, women’s groups, in addition to mentoring and personal coaching. Her ministry seeks to compassionately offer hope and encouragement to those who have been impacted by homosexuality. Through vulnerable conversations and thought-provoking messages, she seeks to demystify the homosexual experience and extend an invitation to touch God, who fills our yearning for identity, community and intimate connection—fundamental needs for one who experiences same sex attraction. Elizabeth’s Website  “Surprised by Love” teaching by Elizabeth Other Websites Equipped to Love – equippedtolove.com Man Alive – http://www.imanalive.com/ Moral Revolution – www.moralrevolution.com Sy Rogers – http://syrogers.com/ Restored Hope Network – restoredhopenetwork.org Desert Stream & Living Waters Support Groups – www.desertstream.org Books Healing Shame and Attachment Loss by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Will I Ever be Good Enough—Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride Crisis in Masculinity by Leanne Payne Broken Image by Leanne Payne Theology/Doctrine Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic by Elizabeth Moberly, PhD. The Bible and Homosexual Practice by Dr. Robert Gagnon Can You Be Gay and Christian by Michael Brown People to be Loved: Why Homosexuality is Not Just an Issue, Preston Sprinkle Personal Stories Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others without Sacrificing Conviction Caleb Kaltenbach The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Butterfield

Just having celebrated 39 years of marriage, Steve and Lorraine share 39 Tips from 39 Years of Marriage. Here in the show notes are nested links to great resources. We want to highlight the free 3-session parenting resource with notes in Tip # 21. This will be worth it’s weight in gold. Grab it, gather three or four other couples and get hold of some new parenting mind-sets and tools! Okay – here we go, ready or not! 1.  Leaving and cleaving – isn’t just about our parents… This is a forever journey. Genesis 2:24 2.  Know yourself and know your spouse. We’re forever changing – who am I becoming & who is my spouse becoming? Free DISC with report: www.TonyRobbins.com/disc The DISC assessment is environmentally sensitive, so, as you complete the questions you should focus on one environment for which you are seeking to understand yourself. Think of your responses in the context of your marriage, family, home-life for understanding yourself in your marriage; for a work or team setting answer questions in response to that environment. You will be provided with a full report for both DISC and Values. You will be provided with a lengthy PDF – Together with your spouse/or team read through and share with one another your results – especially pages 2 and then 7-19. For coaching through your DISC results contact Steve and Lorraine Free Myers Briggs   http://www.16personalities.com Free 360 Feedback   http://www.selfstir.com/ Free Love Languages  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ 3.  Who’s job is whose? Defining roles based on gifting and interest rather than based purely on gender. House keeping, gardening, finances…  making room to discover your roles, redefine them in the different seasons of life. The goal is serving one another and remembering that many hands make light the load. 4.  Value based decisions – decisions are fueled by values and virtues. Develop values in these key five areas:  Faith – Faith, church and community life, etc Family – Our marriage, family life, parenting, etc Who are we as a couple, as a family? Finances – All the way from values based on month to month budgeting to investing, to giving, saving, spending. Credit card usage, etc. Fun – Social life, hobbies, vacations, restoring your souls, etc. Future – This includes dreaming, bucket list, education, retirement dreams and planning, etc. 5.  Be aware of hidden expectations – Cultivate a value for creating a safe place to share and discover heart desires. 6.  Your differences are a gift to you. Having an open heart and value for the strength in your spouse’s perspective as you work together to the shared goal. Remember you have a gift in your spouse’s different approach. 7.  Live with a YES! “How can we make this happen.” Vs “I don’t think this can happen.”  Why not? Vs why. 8.  Commitment to generosity – of personal selves, resources, finances. Proverbs 11:25; II Corinthians 9:6-8 9.  Our home is our oasis… and an oasis for others. 10.  Individual journey with God and then pursuing spiritual oneness as a couple – praying together, God adventures, living from His presence.  11.  Saving to pay in cash what you might be quick to purchase on credit… eliminate regretted purchases or buyer’s remorse. 11.  Value for church community – what we can give and what we receive. Hebrews 10:25 Not forsaking the assembling of yourselves… 12.  Scripture is our foundation for all of life. Memorizing it, using it as our daily bread and light for our path. Collecting a reservoir of God’s promises and prophecies. 13.  Tithing is not an option… Putting first things first – Malachi 3:10  14.  Paying the bills and keeping the peace! Having a plan, agreement in direction, then honor in executing. Ecclesiastes 4:12 A three strand cord is not easily broken! 15.  Sharing a single check book and accounts. Our money vs my money… This doesn’t mean you only have one literal checking account, but your assists and liabilities are shared from the moment you say “I do!” 16.  How much can I spend without checking in? An understanding of our financial values positions us to protect our connection by honoring these financial agreements.  18.  It’s not always about the kids! Don’t make your children an idol or put them on a pedestal. Keeping your marriage first creates a happy and healthy environment for your family. Raise your kids understanding the value of “us” and to honor your closed door. 19.  Dad and Mom are a team – this creates consistency in our partnership and protects our connection in the midst of family life. A commitment to checking in with each other as we are giving permission to our kids for different things. 20.  Honoring and protecting the integrity of your marriage in front of your kids. When you blow it, you clean it up first with one another privately, and then together with your kids. Teaching kids – life has conflict and it’s healthy to have conflict, and that we recover and strengthen our love-bond by how we handle conflict. 21.  Shared value and commitment in parenting. Doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything, but foundationally you must be on the same page. In front of the kids we agree, in private, we work it out! Get read up… resource, resource, resource. Community, friends, training…  Lisa Max – Let The Children Fly online courses: www.LetTheChildrenFly.com Dustin & Savannah Box – Free three part parenting series This is a great resource to gather some couples and create a small group and go through together! How To Be a Perfect Parent and Not Loose Your Mind Part 1 – Great Parenting Starts with Great Parents Part 2 – Defining Our Parenting Goals Part 3 – Key Concepts and Practical Examples NOTES IN PDF HERE: How To Be a Perfect Parent Notes P 22.  Children are part of your team… include them in caring for your home. Teaching them life-skills and giving them responsibilities sets them up to be successful in all of life and develops their personal self-worth and confidence. Learning at home so it’s natural behavior outside of the home. 23.  Celebrating one another is one of the greatest gifts we give in family and most important aspects of developing healthy self-worth. We’re rewarding effort and intention first, and secondly outcome. Looking for opportunities to celebrate success – life should be a party!  24.  Failure is not final. When you partner with God, you can overcome anything and it will become your weapon of choice against the enemy and a source of strength, encouragement and hope to those around you. Use the “F” word… Forgiveness, perseverance and a commitment to re-building trust is foundational to a healthy marriage. 25.  FUN! FUN! FUN! Our brains need adventure, surprise, intrigue and FUN to stay healthy and young. Laughter is medicine – it releases feel-good hormones that combat stress. 26.  Laugh at and with one another… Developing strength of commitment and connection in your marriage creates space for laughing not just with one another but sometimes at one another – not in a hurtful or ridicule fashion. 27.  Believing the best until you are face to face for a dialogue. Helps to avoid judgment, building a case against one another and partnering with fear. This is about our character development and exercising trust. 28.  Communicate, Communicate, Communicate! Most of our relationship train-wrecks were because of a lack of communication, missed-communication, or unhealthy communication. Good skill-set in communication is essential and healthy communication is first an issue of the heart. 29.  Taking personal responsibility – Learn to say “I did it!” WIMP! – Don’t be a wimp, but ask the question – What is my part? Taking responsibility is fundamental in building trust. 30.  Invite your spouse into your space of personal development. Invite loving, kind, and honest feedback… Are you aware? We all have blind spots and we get to be part of one another’s growing and maturing process. 31.  Gratitude turns on our relational circuits. Not only does practicing gratitude unlock our ability to connect with God, to receive His joy and gain Heaven’s perspective, it also turns our relational circuits on with others. “If we practice feeling appreciation for five or more minutes, three times a day, any time of day, our brain will re-set normal to appreciation.” Psalms 100:4 32.  Living with one another from Heaven’s Perspective gives grace for “here on earth!” Seeing what He sees and working together to make room for and enhance each other’s greatness. Colossians 3:2  Set your mind on things above.  Philippians 4:8 Whatsoever things are… 33.  New seasons require recalibrating – relearning, re-evaluating. Don’t be afraid of leaving what worked in the past season, in the past. The Father’s got new and great things for you in each new season. Using something from the past in the future, may become baggage. 34.  He’s in the waiting – Learning to hold in tension the seasons of life and each spouse’s readiness for moving into that season. Holy Spirit will teach you, as you work together, to know His heart, His timing, His provision, and His faithfulness in those seasons. Psalms 138:8 God will perfect those things that concern you. 35.  Divine order unlocks Divine peace and is the essence of true spiritual power… God first, then my spouse, and then my family. God first and God most – keeps me from seeking to get from my spouse what only God can give me. Ephesians 5 & 6 36.  Keep learning! Keep developing yourself as a person – this makes your life rich and keeps you interesting. 37.  Develop a true friendship with your spouse. Friendship is the greatest foundation for a healthy marriage. It’s a necessary foundation that you continue to strengthen through marriage, so that when you hit the empty nest season of life, you still have “you” as a couple.  38.  Make physical intimacy and love making a priority – John 17:21-23… one of your greatest weapons of warfare! Create a sacred space in your room – a type of sanctuary. Understand there is most always a difference in desire and frequency – talk honestly and honorably about it. Again uncover those hidden unspoken expectations. Continue to grow in your love-making, being creative, intentional and spontaneous, seeking to pursue one another’s hearts in the midst of loving each other’s bodies. The big “O” in lovemaking isn’t ORGASM it’s ONENESS! 39.  Give the gift of understanding. Let me not seek to be understood, but to understand. St Francis of Assisi. The goal is not fixing, winning, being right, punishment, but to understand! Love is spelled surrender and die.

Whether its your marriage, your team, your family, or your work environment – strength of connection determines the level of life in those relationships. In this episode Steve and Lorraine continue looking at the life of Nehemiah and provide a blueprint for building strength in relationship. Steve and Lorraine share about taking time to survey the wall of your relationship, remove the rubble, and work together to re-build strength in your relationship.

God wants to use our most intimate relationships as a source of healing! In this episode Steve and Lorraine share a recent encounter that led them to understand more fully the role that our implicit memories play in our current interactions in both marriage and relationship in general. Steve and Lorraine talk about what an implicit memory is, how the painful encounters of our past, left unhealed become present in our current relationships and affect our ability to stay present, vulnerable and powerful. Our past becomes over-layed on current circumstances and we interpret and experience this unhealed pain of the past in our today. Through their personal experience and vulnerable sharing they unpack what is often happening in our interactions that most of the time we are completely unaware of.  By using the RAC they share how they were able to remain open-hearted, non-judging, and seriously interested and able to navigate their conversation, maintaining connection and able to access the real issue of what was taking place deep down in the unknown areas of their hearts. Together they share how self-discovery and self-disclosure is a powerful tool that leads to knowing and being known, resulting in intimacy and building trust – even in the midst of a conflicted moment. View this great TedTalk on implicit memory. Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson

Whether its your marriage, your team, your family, or your work environment – strength of connection determines the level of life in those relationships. In this episode Steve and Lorraine share a bit about re-calibrating your relationships for strength. We often look past indications that our relationship is at risk and find ways of managing what then becomes a dysfunction. Looking at the life of Nehemiah and sharing bits of their personal journey they give hope and encouragement for building or rebuilding strength in your relationship.  A few key thoughts from this podcast:   1. Nehemiah was made aware of the seriousness of the situation in Jerusalem. KEY – Don’t ignore or minimize what is not working or what you become aware of – don’t be afraid of the pain and loss that may surface, this is a gift to you to help move you to action. Avoiding pain is one of the primary reasons many couples (teams, churches, companies) stay in their dysfunction, until one spouse no longer has grace to stay in the dysfunction and the marriage. 2. Nehemiah responded by taking personal responsibility and asked God to intervene – He was honest with the King who then partnered with him. He was granted Time Sent with the King’s Authority Access to Provision that would be needed Provided with Protection KEY – The enemy is going to push back…       – Stay in His grace – the empowering presence of God     – Stay in the Word – bath yourself with truth and life, declare the revealed Word of God – say the things God is saying about you and your marriage     – Focus on and celebrate what God is doing – this keeps you in a place of Hope as you are in process. Take time to sit with the Father and ask Him these questions: Invite Holy Spirit to reveal to you if there are areas of your marriage/relationship that are at risk. (Where are you feeling the absence of peace and joy with your spouse/team, etc.?) Where is the strength of my relationships? In what ways is He asking you to take responsibility for what you may be contributing or not contributing that creates health and life in that relationship? What patterns in your life are creating dis-connects, sub-standard thinking, behaving, and living? Ask the Father to show you how He wants to partner with you in this. Episode 33 will give further insight and tools for re-calibrating your relationships for health and life.

Research in marriage and family therapy suggests that approximately 80% of the emotional conflicts between couples is rooted in events that pre-date the couple knowing each other.  Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson In Episode 31 Steve and Lorraine revisit implicit memory and talk about what explicit memory is. They share why working through reconciliation is significantly more powerful at healing a dis-connect, re-patterning behavior than merely using the words “I’m sorry.” Together Steve and Lorraine also walk through these five steps of reconciliation modeling this process. If you haven’t listened to Episode 30 – take a moment and listeAnan to EP30 first and then enjoy part 2 here in Episode 31. View this great TedTalk on implicit memory. Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson

In Ep 29 we continue with Juan and Beulah Swart, Dream Coaches, and consider the practical aspects of moving forward in activating & unlocking the Dreamer in you. How Do I Dream? Getting Unstuck! and Where Do I Start? Juan and Beulah give us a list of practical questions to activate our dreamers. Our past disappointments and delays are God’s opportunity to do the miraculous! If you missed Ep 28, give it a listen for the foundation of why dreaming is so important and necessary in our lives. To explore the potential of Dream Coaching you can contact Juan and Beulah at: ItsTime2Dream@gmail.com The dreams we’re dreaming are the answers and solutions to the questions and dilemmas of our lives and communities!

In Ep #028 we’re talking about Dreaming… the values, the how’s and the why’s of dreaming together… getting unstuck, get moving and working together with God for all that is in Dreaming! In this podcast we chat together with Dream Coaches, Juan and Beulah Swart and draw from their practical journey of what it looks like to listen to and validate the desires in our hearts as we partner with God for our destiny and legacy. They provide for us a simple but powerful path for moving forward in our current season. We look at and respond to Why Dream; Why Aren’t We Dreaming; Self Evident Truths of Dreaming. Interested in Dream Coaching? Contact Juan and Beulah Swart for more information: ItsTime2Dream@gmail.com

In this episode we visit the difficult subject of divorce and remarriage with Robb and Phyllis Burkee, leaders, coaches, and healers. With a personal history of addiction and betrayal, Robb and Phyllis candidly share their journey of brokenness, healing, and finding love again. Having blended two families and five kids, Robb and Phyllis give us some of the “how” they did it, some of the “why” they did the things in healing and remarriage they did. There is hope after divorce, their is healing for our brokenness. Some of our concluding thoughts:  Move slow – you have the rest of your life ahead and you want to set yourselves and your families up for success. If you are in a marriage that is in crisis, not doing well, start working on yourself – and get help for the marriage before you start looking at divorce as the solution to the problem. Statistics shockingly reveal that only 10% of couples that get divorced actually sought out help through counseling before moving forward with divorce. Pursue resources that encourage each partner to take responsibility – as Phyllis says, it takes two to have a healthy relationship and it if a relationship is failing or not doing well, there are two people involved and part of the problem and solution. Another thing Phyllis stressed is that – if you pursue another relationship without getting healed, healthy and whole, you’re taking your unhealed self into that new relationship – and you’ll find yourself repeating behaviors that were part of the brokenness of the previous marriage. Don’t take blending two families lightly! Invite healthy and educated support in your journey. Access the resources we have linked below for some of what you may need – but please include real people in your journey. FAMILY BLENDING RESOURCES The Smart Stepfamily and other related books by Ron Deal Ron Deal Resources 60 Second Audio program with Ron Deal For longer, more in-depth broadcasts about blended families, remarriage and stepparenting, go to FamilyLife Today and click on the Blended Families button. Becoming Stepfamily Smart FamilyLife Blended has a 6-day reading plan available on YouVersion that provides practical, realistic solutions to the unique issues that stepfamilies face. You can access this great content through the YouVersion app on your smartphone or on their website. Free Downloadable Resources Important Steps for Blended Families (pdf) Steps to help your family succeed. Marriage Ministry Tip Sheet (pdf) For blended marriages and families. Ministering to Students in Stepfamilies (pdf) Military Marriage Ministry Tip Sheet (pdf) Specifically for military blended marriages and families. Help for Military Blended Families (pdf) If you are a military stepfamily, try these tips for managing the stress and maintaining the peace in your blended family household.

What is intimacy in marriage and how do we get it? A great question we received from a newly married couple that we want to explore a bit together in this podcast. The subject of intimacy can be a very broad subject because intimacy is about emotional, physical, and spiritual oneness – so we’re going to only touch the surface of what intimacy is in the context of marriage and give you a few thoughts to consider with regard to nurturing and developing intimacy. Think of intimacy as in-to-me-see. I’m extending to you an invitation to come close, to see me, to know me, and to receive me. Che Ahn in his book Catching God’s Heart gave this definition of marital intimacy: “The highest, most vulnerable, personal, and private form of sharing and bonding between individuals. The greatest intimacy given to us by the Lord in this life is that of a man and woman in marriage.” An intimate relationship is… one that both persons are fully known and fully loved, with no fear of rejection. In a genuinely intimate relationship, neither party needs to pretend or defend because both are – and feel, safe. Together we explore vulnerability, having fun and adventure and a few other practical aspects and tips that are involved in developing intimacy in marriage.

We are excited to post this message and release it in this Kairos season. It was a word we felt God gave to us for us and then for us to share and release over churches where we traveled in 2016. We watched God unlock many things in churches and individual lives in Spain, Norway, England, and many other churches we ministered in last year. Recently while we were in Scotland, we felt the Lord asked us to share the word again and release it over Paisley and Scotland. It was a timely word for them and God used it to confirm what He is doing in and for them in this season. We are releasing this word here on our podcast and want to encourage you to receive it and ask the Father what He has for you in Adventure and Advancement! Below is a link to Kris’s word that we refer to and also the video of our kids singing Friend of God that is not only fun, but anointed! Enjoy. Kris Vallotton’s Message, Epoch Seasons and Kairos Moments Save

It’s not every day you meet two people like Erik and Kate Bagley! They tell a story of pursuit and intention, wisdom and love. Together they share their journey of setting their lives together – up for success… How they handled the days before they said “I Do!” was a standard for how they would choose to live their lives in the context of covenant. They talk openly and candidly about the choices they made and are still making today – be encouraged with their story and share with other who are on the journey! So much to learn, so much to enjoy. Here is a link to their complete story – an absolute must see! UPGRADE YOUR CONNECTION THIS MONTH with these resources from Steve and Lorraine Box!

What a great, practical and fun podcast here with Senior Leaders, Caleb and Rachael Klinge from Novato, CA – New Life Church. They share their Top Ten Count Down of things they learned in their first 20 years of marriage. They share both biblical insights along with their personal experiential journey that led them to their top ten. You’ll love their real, fresh, and powerfully practical approach to creating a happy and healthy marriage relationship. If you live near the Bay Area (San Francisco, CA) and are looking for a vibrant, relevant, and community – family based church family, New Life Church could be for you! Check them out here too on Facebook.

How do you guard your heart and let people into intimate places at the same time? In other words… How do you walk wisely in relationship, while also being open and vulnerable? In this episode we explore how we must both risk and practice trust in order to develop intimacy in relationship. The level of intimacy we experience will always be defined by the level of trust we are practicing in the relationship – To the degree there is trust, is to the degree we can have intimacy… We share several important aspects of understanding and cultivating trust – great insight for every relationship.   Join us this month in a special focus and emphasis on upgrading connection in our relationships! 

Today we are going to talk about arguing – The question we want to actually address is “How do we wrestle through the realities of different opinions, ideas, values, preferences and desires while maintaining our connection, demonstrating love and honor, and being fully ourselves.” Another way to re-phrase this question is “How do we create an environment that makes room for both spouses to be heard and understood – even in the midst of dis-agreement?” Steve and Lorraine give three keys to navigating differences, conflict, and those really hard conversations. They unpack The RAC – the most helpful and powerful tool for nurturing connection while communicating even and maybe especially in the midst of dis-agreement and conflict. The foundation upon which the practical use of communication tools rests is the Holy Spirit. He wants to be with us in a very real way as the Guide, the Teacher, the Helper, the Counselor, and the Comforter.

This question is not one we normally ask… but in this episode Steve and Lorraine respond to a listener’s question regarding what seems like a lack of communication in near-by marriage relationships. Steve and Lorraine talk about habits, health, and seasons of marriage and how they affect our communication – good or bad. Steve and Lorraine share a couple of communication tools – and challenge us in our marriage toward a healthy life-giving connection that fosters and empowers communication. The overall health of our marriage and family does depend on staying current and involved in each others’ lives… and that requires COMMUNICATION! A lack of communication, at an emotional level developing intimacy, should not be normal. Think 1% – it only takes 1% to take your relationship to a place of connection and greater intimacy – going from good to great.