Parenting Reimagined

  I took a four week break from the podcast to spend a month traveling in Europe with my family. This was our first international trip and it was a fantastic adventure for our little crew. In this week’s episode my husband, Rob, and I talk about what we learned, what we enjoyed and what we might do differently next time. Enjoy!

    Grace Biskie is a complicated lady. She is the mother of two young sons. She is a biracial woman, married to a white guy, raising sons that strangers mistake for Jewish. She is a woman living in a house of boys. She is a sexual abuse survivor who has experienced tremendous healing. She is a woman of faith. She is a gifted writer and speaker. In her public life, she tackles tough topics like abuse, racism, sexism, stereotypes, gender and racial socialization, and, of course… fashion. I first encountered Grace’s work on the blog, A Deeper Story. I especially resonated with her essay: An Open Letter to the Over Sharing Mamas. I highly recommend perusing her work at gracebiskie.com  

Dr. Gail Newel has delivered over 10,000 babies, traveled the world, survived cancer, and gotten (sort of) kicked out of the Mennonite Brethren Church. She raised three kids and has sustained a happy relationship in the midst of all her misadventures. She has spent her career advocating for women, fighting for others to experience the kind of respect and empowerment that she was determined to carve out for herself. Gail is a remarkable woman. She is warm, savvy, and beloved by many in her community. In our conversation, she reflects on what cancer taught her, the importance of travel, and what she’s learned from the thousands of women she’s helped care for throughout the years. I had the pleasure of meeting Gail on July 8, 2010. She had just returned to work after taking a year-long leave to fight a rare cancer. She introduced herself as Gail and then cheered me on as I gave birth to my second son. She was wearing red crocs and rainbow socks. I was such fun to talk with her for this interview. Enjoy!

In 1998, Tony and Jenn Miller set out for a year of travel with their four children.  They never came back. In the last six years, the Millers have visited 30 countries, ridden elephants, ridden camels and logged thousands of miles on bicycles.   They manage to do some schoolwork too. I caught up with Jenn in Australia and we had a lovely conversation about life on the road. For more about the Millers, visit their website: http://edventureproject.com. You can also check out http://dreamreboot.com to learn more about Jenn’s online course.  

  Rabbi Sandy Eisenberg Sasso has spent a long career engaging children and adults in the sacred texts and practices of Judaism.  In 1974, she became the second women in the United States to complete rabbinical ordination. She and her husband, Dennis, served as co-rabbis at the Congregation Beth-El Zedeck in Indianapolis until her retirement earlier this year. They were the first practicing rabbinical couple in Jewish history. Rabbi Sandy is the mother of two adult children and a grandmother of three. Her rabbinical work and her status as a women and mother, have led her to press into a deeper understanding of the spirituality of children.  She has written numerous children’s books and is a a sought after speaker on topics related to the spirituality of children, religious traditions in family life, and spiritual storytelling. In our interview, Rabbi Sandy shares about her life as a mother and rabbi. She also reflects on what she has learned about the sacred from the many children that she has interacted with throughout the years. To contact Rabbi Sandy or to learn more about her books, visit her congregation’s website: http://bez613.org/about-us/staff/rabbi-sandy-sasso/  

Emily Plank is the mom/author/educator behind the popular blog: Abundant Life Children. She loves to write and in her work she integrates her training in child development with her lived experience mothering three young children. Emily has tremendous experience working with young children and their families. She has been in the field of education for over a decade, filling such roles as educator, mentor, and family child care provider. Emily values play, spaciousness, respect for children as persons, and a posture of openness. Her presence is warm and gracious. She and her family are in the midst of their own developmental transition. Earlier this year Emily closed her center and she and her family are preparing to spend several months travelling abroad through a semester at sea. Her writing has been instructive and encouraging to many and it was a pleasure to chat with her here on Parenting Reimagined.

Lea Woodward is not afraid of living  life on her own terms. She and her husband, Jonathan, left successful corporate jobs  to build web-based businesses that would allow them to work from anywhere.  They pioneered the location independent lifestyle-  roaming the globe from Panama to Thailand to Dubai and many places in between. Lea and Jonathan now have two young children and they are in the midst of recalibrating how to travel, parent, stay married and still get their work done.   We had a great conversation about constantly re-visioning  how to “do” family. For more about Lea and her work, check out LeaWoodward.com and locationindependent.com.  

Dr. Alan Kazdin is the John M. Musser Professor of Psychology and Child Psychiatry at Yale University and the director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic. His research has focused primarily on the treatment of aggressive and antisocial behavior in children. In 2008, he was named President of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Kazdin has worked on approximately 700 publications including 48 scholarly books. He recently completed The Everyday Parenting Toolkit, his second book for a popular audience. His work on parenting and child rearing has been featured on CNN, NPR, PBS, BBC, and he has appeared on Good Morning America, ABC News, 20/20, The Dr. Phil Show, and the Today Show.   And now Parenting Reimagined. In our conversation, Dr. Kazdin and I talk about his work with the Yale Parenting Center and his recent book. He is wonderfully warm and humble as he reflects on what he has learned from a lifetime of working with families and studying the science of behavior change. For more about Dr. Kazdin and his work, check out alankazdin.com.    

Ruth Clayton is an ordained Presbyterian pastor and a hospital chaplain. Her professional life is spent providing comfort, wisdom, and spiritual support to those experiencing the failure of their bodies, those who are dying. For the past two years, Ruth and her husband, David, have been longing to become parents. In the midst of joyful anticipation, Ruth has had to confront the possible limits of her own body. After months of charting cycles and temperatures, Ruth and David entered the world of medical infertility intervention. In our conversation, we discuss the ups and downs of the trying, hoping, waiting process. Ruth reflects on what is happening in her soul and her marriage as she looks toward the possibility of motherhood. She is also honest about the low points and how she copes with the monthly disappointments of negative pregnancy tests. It is an open conversation about an experience that is deeply painful and increasingly common.

All summer I have been talking about the book Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity. It has been part of my conversations at picnics, over coffee, during meetings, in lectures, and in a few therapy sessions. I have yet to come across a book that so vividly portrays the experience of parenting as both heart-wrenching and heart-expanding.  It presents a narrative of immense love woven into a kaleidoscope of stories of all that can go wrong in family life.  It is thoughtful, nuanced, and honest. I was honored by the opportunity to interview the author, Andrew Solomon. A native New Yorker, Andrew studied at Yale and recently finished his PhD in psychology at Cambridge. Andrew is a writer and lecturer on politics, culture and psychology. His last book, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression (Scribner, 2001), won the 2001 National Book Award for Nonfiction, was a finalist for the 2002 Pulitzer Prize, and was included in the London Times list of one hundred best books of the decade. Andrew’s own story of fatherhood is a bit complex. He is the biological father of a daughter with a college friend who lives in Texas. Andrew’s husband, John, is the biological father of two children, Oliver and Lucy, who live in Minneapolis. Andrew is the biological father of three-year-old George, who lives with Andrew and John. The lesbian mother of Oliver and Lucy was the surrogate for George. So the shorthand is: five parents of four children in three states and lots of frequent flyer miles. Andrew lives with his husband and son in New York and London, and is a dual national.

  This week’s interview is with writer and photographer, Lisa Howard. Lisa is the mother of 12-year-old Chase and seven-year-old Jordan. It is quite possible that Lisa is one of the busiest gift-givers I know. She and her wife, Cayne, mark the beginning of their relationship 19 years ago, their decision to become domestic partners 12 years ago, their marriage in California five years ago, and the federal governments’s recognition of their marriage earlier this year.  So, that’s like five anniversaries. Lisa talks about the joys and challenges of motherhood, the unique parts of becoming pregnant as a lesbian, and the ways in which her family is weird in all the normal ways.

K.C. Simba-Torres is a professional musician and a Suzuki teacher. She is also a Suzuki parent. She and her husband, Juan, have two children ages 10 and 6. In our conversation, we talk about the value of learning music early and the role that music plays in helping kids develop character. K.C. also talks about her hopes for her tremendously talented children and she reflects  more personally on the ways that parenting has changed her. K.C. runs a private music studio and plays violin professionally. To learn more about her work, visit her website: simbaschoolofmusic.com The music featured in this episode is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star Variation 1 by Dr. Shinich Suzuki. The second piece is Flight of the Bumblebee composed by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov and performed by the Columbia Symphony Orchestra.    

Last summer, Todd and Carrie Minturn took their two young sons on the road trip of a lifetime. They visited twelve National Parks and National Monuments, camped, hiked, collected ranger badges, and logged thousands of miles of adventures. On this trip, Todd retraced the path of a trip that he took with his parents when he was six. Revisiting these wild spaces with his children was an invitation to reconnect with his own childlike sense of wonder and innocence. In our conversation, Todd and I talked about the importance of nature and the power that nature has to draw us into our true selves. Todd reflects on what nature has taught him about fatherhood and what he hopes to instill in his boys by making sure they have lots of time exploring wild places. Our conversation reminded me of a book that I read several years ago, Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv.  The author describes nature as an essential ingredient for healthy child development. It is a beautifully written, well-researched book, perhaps best summarized by these words: Nature inspires creativity in a child by demanding visualization and the full use of senses. Given a chance, a child will bring the confusion of the world to the woods, wash it in the creek, and turn it over to see what lives on the unseen side of that confusion. Nature can frighten a child, too, and this fright serves a purpose.  In nature, a child finds freedom, fantasy, and privacy: a place distant from the adult world, a separate peace. Enjoy this timely reflection about the deeper process that may be happening on that family camping vacation.    

  Melinda Bey is an artsy, blogging, stay-home mum from Melbourne, Australia.  I recently came across her lovely blog, stupendousjoy.  Her artistic eye and open, reflective writing drew me in immediately. Melinda, her husband, Shef, and their five-year-old son are in the midst of a three month international adventure that has taken them throughout Western Europe. In our conversation, she reflects on the value of international travel, what she has learned by parenting on the road, and the ways that her Buddhist practices have shaped her as a parent.  Mindfulness, gratitude and humor are central themes in her life, her travels, and in her parenting. I highly recommend her blog: http://stupendousjoy.blogspot.com/. The photos on this post are © melindamelou and are used with permission.    

Juli McGowen Boit is a nurse practitioner who has been living in a rural part of eastern Kenya for the past nine years. She founded The Living Room, a center that provides hospice and palliative care to those affected by HIV/AIDS, cancer, and other life threatening illnesses. She cares for men, women, and children in immense pain. At times, her work involves the sacred act of tenderly accompanying people to the last moments of their lives. She and her husband, Titus, are expecting their first child, a daughter, later this month. Our wonderful conversation covers a range of topics, including the parallels between birth and death, her village’s sense of communal responsibility for children, and her prayer that her daughter will develop a compassionate heart as she grows up in the midst of the poverty and suffering. To learn more about Juli’s work visit The Living Room website or find her on facebook.

Nadia Elrashidi Ahlsten  is a stay-at-home mom with four kids under the age of five. Yep, she is hardcore. Thankfully she comes to the job with excellent credentials: the Peace Corps in El Salvador, Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, the World Bank, the West Bank, and Kenya. She used her experience with complex systems to navigate the adoption and immigration procedures of three countries. When she and her family were living in Kenya, they navigated the adoptions of twin boys from an orphanage in the Congo. Nadia has made some tough life choices that may seem like big sacrifices. She’s done so with eyes wide open. She recently wrote this on her facebook page: “No one said love was easy or even something that comes natural to you. Love is love. It costs you everything but you (generally) will gladly give up everything (and more) to have it, save it, and keep it”. We had a wonderful conversation about choices, culture, adoption, and the adventures of motherhood. Thanks, Nadia!  

A few days ago I posted a link to Andrew Solomon’s TED talk about parents with children who are “far from the tree”; children who are very different from their parents on key aspects of identity (intelligence, criminality, deafness, disability). Understanding, accepting and coming to love a child’s “otherness” is a central part of parenting for all of us. However, the margins of this process are stretched for families who find themselves welcoming a child who is vastly different than they expected and whose difference may alter the course of the family in painful and difficult ways. I find these stories so compelling because the presence of these kids can stretch parents to their limits and force transformation, hopefully for the good. Parents must reimagine what their lives and their families will be. I met Eddy and Rhoda Ekmeji before they were married, when we were all in college together. Eddy is the Area Director of Black Campus Ministries for InterVarsity in Greater Los Angeles. Rhoda is an elementary school teacher. They have a daughter who is eight, a son who is five and they recently welcomed a new baby boy, Liam, who was born with Down’s Syndrome. In his interview, Eddy talks about how Liam (and Down’s Syndrome) have altered his family, his faith, and his experience of being a father. Eddy blogs at servingbread.com. Be sure to check out the post he wrote about Liam’s birth.  You can also find Eddy on facebook or on twitter @EddyEkmekji.

Mona Lisa Harding is the homeschooling mother of ten children. Six of her children, began college by the age 12. She is the mother of the country’s youngest female physician and the youngest architect in the American Institute of Architecture.  When I interviewed her, she was helping her 10-year-old prepare to take the ACT. Despite their achievements, this is not a family of hard-driving academics. Their basic philosophy is to support the interests of their children. This means lots of independent reading, learning play and exploration- whatever develops curiosity, interest and vocational goals. The Harding family has been featured on the Today Show and on CNN. Mona Lisa and her husband, Kip, recently published an electronic journal about their family’s experience. It can be downloaded at www.collegeby12.com. One thing that I found particularly interesting was that Mona Lisa has prepared all of these children for college, without having complete college herself. Way to go, mama!

Audry Adams is the mother of the kid throwing the tantrum in front of all the other guests at the birthday party. Yes, many of us have been there. But, Audry has those difficult parenting moments more often than most. Her oldest son has Asperger syndrome, an autism spectrum disorder that can make it difficult for kids to communicate well, engage in social interactions, be emotionally flexible, and calm down when they are upset. Because Audry has had so many challenges as a mother, she has learned to seek out ways to redeem these difficult moments. She shared her story on our podcast so that other parents of “difficult” kids would know that they are not alone in the unique struggles that they face. Audry is the mother of three children, the wife of Jim and a supportive and encouraging presence to a large community of friends.

Katrina Kenison is the mother of two young adult sons and the author of three books:  Mitten Strings for God: Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry, The Gift of an Ordinary Day: A Mother’s Memoir , and Magical Journey: An Apprenticeship in Contentment. She writes about motherhood and the moments that she has savored during the ups and downs of nurturing, raising and launching children. She and her husband live in New Hampshire where she is a yoga teacher. Katrina blogs at www.katrinakenison.com The Gift of an Ordinary Day is one of my favorite books about motherhood. It was a tremendous pleasure to spend an hour talking with Katrina and I am excited to share our conversation with the Parenting Reimagined community! Thanks for listening.