WHORRORSZN: The Podcast

Ella opens up about her quiet exit, her loud healing, and what it really took to come back. From recording in pain to reclaiming her peace, she reflects on motherhood, heartbreak, and the mindset shift that changed everything. This isn’t just a comeback—it’s a reset. If you’ve ever outgrown your old story and needed time to write a new one, this one’s for you. (I love you all!! thank you for the endless support!!)

*wait— did I mention the wine…??? In case I didn’t, GIRL. I can’t say who brought it, but he actually brought it, girl 💀💀💀* ANYWAY— I’m SOOOOO glad I got that off my chest 😭😭😭 I was good, but.. I wanted to still say it anyway; it ate me up so badly before I was actually okay. That was some weird shit and I should’ve told her. I finally released that lol. Anyway, happy Mother’s Day!! As mothers, we do so much and everything falls on us at the end of the day. It can be exhausting.. and though it may be tough, it is extremely gratifying. I love when my baby wants me 💗she’s heavy as hell and sometimes I dread the part where I have to grab her and lift her, but man :’)) she’s only going to be this small once, you know? I love when I come in the room and she smiles and gets the kickies :’)) I’m so happy she trusts me and loves to lay under me.. I can always feel the love she has for me. she makes me feel so strong… she makes me feel like anything is possible. She makes me want to be a BETTER WOMAN. and I’m so proud of her.. watching her grow everyday has been so amazing, she is my everything.. I would fucking die for my baby, I love her so so much…. And she doesn’t have to love me, but it would be so cool if she did 🫶🏽 mommy loves you, baby 💗 I wish you could read 🥹 lmfao Also— y’all like my outro? 👀 you like when I just leave it at “take care”? Me too. 🫦

A little venty-vent. I quickly typed this thing up because these are the last of my words ever.. this is my conclusion. This is my closure. there is no more talking… no more lying, and half-assed explanations.. no more gaslighting me, no more fucking other women and then fucking me… no more throwing my PTSD (FROM YOU) back in my face. No more giving more than what I ever received in the first place… I knew if I came here to upload, maybe there’s a chance you’ll hear this. Im done… im so over you. You are not the person I bragged about two years ago. I’m free, I don’t need you anymore. I don’t want you anymore. To everyone I vented to.. and knew I’d still go back to him… to my best friend, Mia… I know what it’s like to have a friend you really care about, but they just keep doing what’s not good for them. I’m so sorry… I will take better care of myself… I will respect myself and stand more firm on my boundaries… and to myself… I’m so sorry, lover. It turns out that love, respect, trust, honesty, kindness and vulnerability and EVERYTHING are all things you were supposed to find within yourself. I’m sorry I didn’t know that… Time for me to forgive myself.. time to heal… so, let’s just go from there. Goodbye, N. Drake. Finally. 🫀 *Alexa, play The Last Trap by Keshon.p*

:’)

:) for the people that messaged me after I posted the last episode, thank you. It feels really nice to feel cared about.. after everything…. you know? It feels nice to be seen and for other people to know I’m constantly working hard for my daughter and literally sacrificing myself every single day.. at least when I don’t eat, she does. At least when I’m not clean, she is. At least when I’m not happy, she sure is! 🩷 It’s hard being alone, but I would rather her be with me than for me to leave this earth (SOMEHOW) and leave her with people that don’t even have the best intentions for their own nervous system (and entire body in general….), I don’t see them having the patience for her curiosity… I don’t want her spirit crushed by crushed spirits… you get it, right? Thank you so so much. I appreciate it all… to all the moms, you are doing so much better than you think🫀love you all

Please listen to me for a few minutes. I am not jealous of my daughter of any of the love she receives…. She deserves it. I wanted to talk more, but my duties are (literally lol) calling. …. Im not really in my body yet, so I cant remember exactly what I said or if I cried during this.. sorry…. It’s just a lot going on right now… and it’s all inside my mind. The person I had a baby with was my boyfriend and my best friend before he became a father. Once I got pregnant, it seemed as though I lost him over time. I remember when he was there with me in the hospital… it just didnt seem that special. Nothing seems that special… especially now that I can look back everything after reading messages, dates, and seeing the pictures and videos. I never mattered, I was just supposed to make the baby. I never felt pretty. I never felt wanted.. he wasnt really there… he wasnt ready to grow up. Everything didnt happen THAT long ago… Now im just having to mother everyday… which, I was going to do regardless…. But I have to get up regardless of how I feel…. When im literally trying to put a spoon up to my daughter’s mouth and my hands begin to shake and my eyes begin to flood..…. I have to keep going regardless. Even when the trauma literally begins to hurt my body. I am jealous of the mothers that have husbands…. Someone that holds them and they can actually feel it (the love), I go to bed holding myself. i am jealous of the mothers that have someone to cook for them, someone to clean for them… someone to love them without it feeling like it’s a lie. Someone that makes them feel beautiful… without it feeling untrue.. because you already saw the other girls. Someone that actually records YOU, and it not being because you just so happened to be in the shot with the baby…. someone that thanks them for all the work they do……. Someone that makes the postpartum a little easier…. Someone that takes over so you can leave the room to cry…… someone that leaves the house and gives you a kiss too……. I want to hold everyone to a different standard, we’re all trying to grow and change.. including me. But it’s harder because I’m the only one left to pick up every single piece…. I want to move on. All this trauma makes me want to change my fucking name. I cant feel anything at all.…. Yet, im feeling everything at the same time. (SOME) Men only want to be good fathers… not good husbands… silly me, I guess. I never had a ring in the first place.

💀💀💀, labor story included. Well— the first part :’)

Saturn is in retrograde. Enjoy :)

Now that the drama is just about over…. Let’s talk about other stuff 😌

— but, I still want the best for us.

In the middle of my second trimester, here’s an update along with other thoughts. 🤠

And now that I think about it, cleaning and sterilizing a breast pump is a lot of work too. I would do anything for my daughter, but I have to do what’s best for myself as well so that I can always give her the best. Thanks a lot for listening, I actually can’t even believe I’m making an episode like this. The transition from not being a mom to motherhood is really something else.

But what I will say though is that if you need guidance, try The Pattern :) it’s helped me a lot. Of course you may not be able to resonate with everything.. but just like you would with anything else, you take what you need and leave the rest behind. I am so proud of myself. And I can’t wait to share this moment with my children :)) I also can’t wait to see what kind of new things I’ll have to share since I’m like, on the same journey… but a new path in it. There’s a bunch of new knowledge to be taken in and I’m just super excited for it all. And I definitely feel a lot better than I did last night. Everything happens (to me, at least) for a reason. 🫶🏽

🫣💗💗Oh my god bestiiieee, stoppppp 🌷🤭💓💗 I knowww 😭😭 ugh. It’s so weird liking people for real. He’s great though, he’s so sweet. I like his voice. And his smile. 🤭 I think my brother would like him, that’s important to me. Also, I’m not shitting myself about us making plans to hang out.. and I loveeee spending hours.. on the phone with mans…. 🙃 oh my god. 🤮 ANYWAY— yeah 💁🏽‍♀️ 🌈TOPICS: BRIEF, brief r*pe/ molestation mention, dating, sex, crushing. Clearly. 🙄💓