Are you held back by self-doubt in any area of your life that matters the most to you? Do you have desires that you have quit pursuing because you doubt it’s possible for you? Do you hold back when it comes to dating and personal relationships? Today is all about freeing yourself from the doubts that prevent you from getting what you want in life.
The biggest mistake people make when it comes to dealing with self-doubt is they start to argue with it and challenge it as though it holds validity.
Self: She is attractive. I’m going to talk to her.
Self-doubt: She is going to reject you.
Self: Why? You don’t know that.
Self-doubt: Yes I do.
Self: I’m an interesting person. She’ll like me.
Self-doubt: She’s WAY out of your league.
Self: No she’s not. I’m just as worthy of her attention here as any other guy.
Self-doubt: Oh is that what you think? You aren’t as good looking or make as much money as most of those other guys.
Self: Maybe I’ll just wait and see if she notices me…
And just like that, the champion title holder goes to… SELF-DOUBT. And so we stay held back by self-doubt.
This is because when we argue with self-doubt, we are consciously denying our subconscious decision that self-doubt is what we believe. This is hard for us to admit because self-doubt stems from fear such as from rejection, and that would mean admitting we are scared.
Rather than acknowledge our fear, we’d rather pretend the reason why we don’t take action is because “logically,” for example, we can conclude we will get rejected, so why bother? Or, there is no point in asking for a promotion because the boss will say no.
And all these are horrible predictions of the future self-doubt makes all to keep us safe from the possibility of rejection or failure. But really? How do we know we will get rejected or fail at something?
The truth is we don’t know, but self-doubt is so convincing in it’s argument because we have already subconsciously decided against an action to avoid fear of rejection or failure.
What we have to realize is that reasoning with the negative voices in our head does not work. Attempting to reason with your self-doubt will always fail because we subconsciously want it to win to avoid discomfort and fears.
Think about it. If self-doubt wins, we are allowed to remain in our comfort zone where we feel safe. We don’t push our limits or take risks. We don’t stretch ourselves and grow. We just settle and stagnate.
So if self-doubt is so powerful in arguments, how do we have a shot at eliminating it at all?
By not arguing with it at all!
How To Eliminate Self-Doubt To eliminate self-doubt, you must first see it for what it really is. It is a scared little child who wants to avoid scary feelings we can feel from rejection, disapproval, or failure.
Now, how do you comfort a scared little child? You embrace and stay present with the child.
So the way to calm self-doubt is to not get into a debate, but to love it. And the way to love self-doubt is to feel what it is afraid of. Lean into the fear and just stay present with it while being unconditionally loving.
Talk to self-doubt with soothing support, encouragement, and praise.
Self-doubt: Don’t go approach her. She’ll reject you.
Self: Oh hey, self-doubt. What’s going on? What are you afraid of? (The magic here lies in not trying to “prove” she won’t reject you and to start talking about the fear self-doubt is trying to avoid).
Self-doubt: I’m not scared, I just don’t want you to get rejected by her.
Self: Wow, thank-you for wanting to keep me safe. And, if I avoid her, then I’ll never know if we could have had a connection. Besides, we have to be willing to face rejection in order to create the romantic life we want or else, I stay on the sideline alone.
Self-doubt: Ya, I guess you’re right. I’m just really scared of rejection so I’m trying to get you to not approach her.
Self: Ya, it is scary isn’t it. And, if we practice approaching attractive women enough times, that fear will leave and we will feel peaceful and comfortable talking to an attractive woman instead.
Self-doubt: Okay, you’re right.
Self: No matter what happens, I’ve got your back and we will get through any outcome. You truly are awesome, and you are valuable and interesting no matter what she thinks.
Self-doubt: Thank you.
What did you notice in that dialogue above? How did the “Self” handle the situation when Self-doubt said not to approach the attractive woman because “you’ll get rejected?”
The Self handled the situation by not trying to prove a rejection won’t occur. Instead, it remained loving, curious, supportive, encouraging, and praising.
Another way to handle self-doubt when it arises is to find the fear you are trying to avoid and just jump into feeling it in your body so you can let it go.
When you feel your fears, you give them the love and attention they need to calm down and relax.
Awesome. Your challenge is to apply that in your life this week.
Until we speak again, you were born to be real, not to be perfect. So go out there and be who you are.
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